Men vs. Women: Differences in Communication Styles

I’m about to discuss a sensitive topic: what are the differences between the verbal and nonverbal communication styles of women and men? Some people even get offended when talking about male and female communication styles. So please bear with me if I get into trouble discussing controversial issues. By the way, I have six biological sisters, and they want to know what these differences are—I promise I’ll share this with them.

1. Men and Women Have Different Conversation Styles

The way women and men talk is different. But how exactly?

Women can talk about the content and, at the same time, pay attention to the process of delivering it. Men may focus on the content, but not the process.

This helps explain why, when women listen, they nod like this. They make encouraging sounds. Hmm. Uh-huh. What they’re doing is signaling: I support the process as well as the content of what you’re saying.

Men are afraid that if they nod, it might be interpreted as agreement with any content. Both sides have to address this “elephant in the room.”

Women often have to say, “I’m going to nod. And I’ve been told I make encouraging sounds all the time. I want you to know that doesn’t mean I agree with what you’re saying. It means I support our conversation.”

Men should do the same: “You know, I’ve been told I don’t nod much when I listen. That’s because I’m concentrating, I’m not trying to stop you from talking, please continue.”

As long as you address these differences, it’s okay if there are some. Sometimes, statistics about men and women are completely opposite. And sometimes, the way we are at work is very different from how we are at home.

2. The Decision-Making Process Differs by Gender

There’s a huge difference in how decisions are made. In fact, women want to be involved in the decision-making process, not just in the final decision. Meanwhile, men generally only want the final decision.

That’s why, when my wife asks me, “Honey, what do you think about such-and-such?” it’s a pretty complex decision. I want to go away and think: “I could, maybe we should, here’s another good factor,” and so on. Then I come back and just share my decision with her. Oh, I realized that doesn’t work. She wants me to share how I feel about it, so she feels closer to me.

So sometimes the difference between men and women is whether you share your mixed feelings in several ways at once, or just your decision.

3. Women Give Approachable Nonverbal Signals; Men Project Authority

Another thing that’s really helpful to understand is the difference between being “approachable” and “authoritative.” Women’s vocal patterns usually involve moving their heads up and down, and their voices sound very expressive. That’s why they’re seen as very, very approachable. Men tend to keep their heads still, as we mentioned, so they’re perceived as authoritative.

Here’s what’s surprising and frankly unfair. If a man learns to be more approachable, he has a chance to be seen as a sensitive, modern guy. But a woman who shifts from approachable to authoritative often gets labeled with a negative word, which isn’t fair.

But that’s the difference between men and women.

4. Women Bring Up Difficult Topics More Often Than Men

Another thing you might want to look at from the perspective of men and women—point number four—is about family, when you have to bring up a touchy subject you’d rather avoid. Women bring it up 80% more often than men. This applies to both happy and unhappy relationships.

What’s surprising about men is that they don’t like to talk about these tough topics: they tend to “stonewall”—you know the term—stonewalling, 85% of the time.