Why Being Friendly During Negotiations Isn’t Always Beneficial
It’s commonly believed that being friendly is key to success in negotiations—whether you’re closing a major deal or discussing terms at a new job. However, three researchers from Harvard Business School challenge this idea. In their article for the Harvard Business Review, they explain why taking a firm stance in negotiations can be more advantageous in the long run.
Many people assume that politeness will open any door and help them secure the best possible deal. For example, Ronald Shapiro, the founder of Harvard University’s negotiation program, writes extensively about this. But research conducted by his colleagues at Harvard Business School shows that this isn’t (entirely) true.
More than 1,500 people participated in four experiments designed to test how friendly (or unfriendly) behavior during negotiations affects both economic and psychological outcomes. The researchers note that all negotiations in these experiments focused on a single item (whereas discussing multiple potential deals at once could yield very different results).
The Experiments
In the first experiment, the researchers sent messages on behalf of an unknown person (using the gender-neutral pseudonym Riley Johnson) to people selling used phones on a classifieds website. They prepared three versions of “warm” and three versions of “cold” messages—each immediately asking for an 80% discount.
Most rejections came in response to the “cold” messages, while the “warm” messages were more often ignored. Since a clear “no” is at least some form of feedback (unlike silence), the authors believe that in this experiment, a cold approach turned out to be a more effective strategy than friendliness.
Counteroffers were split roughly evenly between “warm” and “cold” messages. However, sellers offered larger discounts in response to the “cold” messages than to the “warm” ones.
After receiving a reply from the seller, the researchers (posing as Riley) would respond, “Sorry, I already bought a phone elsewhere,” and end the conversation. In the next experiment, however, they observed the entire negotiation process from the first offer to the final deal.
Participants were divided into sellers and buyers—this time, the item up for negotiation was a set of bowls. Buyers were given templates for both “warm” and “cold” messages and asked to stick to the assigned style. As a result, “warm” negotiators paid, on average, 15% more than the “cold” ones.
Key Findings
Text analysis showed that sellers believed the friendlier the buyer, the more they could get from them. However, sellers didn’t like that friendly negotiations tended to drag on, and they seemed to feel guilty toward the “warm” buyers.
The authors aren’t suggesting that everyone should suddenly become rude or pushy. They also note that further research is needed, including factors like the negotiators’ gender, different deal conditions, and changes in tone during negotiations. Still, they believe their findings can help both sides in a negotiation make more informed decisions.