What Are Limiting Beliefs and Why Should You Work on Them?
What Is a Belief?
The term “belief” refers to a firm view or conviction about something. It’s a “life rule” that we accept as true and act according to. Usually, we follow our beliefs without questioning or analyzing them, because we inherit them from significant people in our lives or from important personal experiences.
We convince ourselves to believe in these ideas, noticing only what confirms them and ignoring anything that might contradict them. Most of our important beliefs exist in the unconscious part of our worldview, so we’re often unaware of them on a conscious level. If we don’t know about something, we can’t change it!
The most important first step is to identify your beliefs. You can find your beliefs by analyzing the patterns (recurring scenarios and situations) in your life.
How Can You Easily Find Your Limitations?
Limiting beliefs often start with phrases like:
- I must…
- I need to…
- I have to…
- I should…
IMPORTANT: The same belief can be helpful in some situations and destructive in others.
Examples of Limiting Beliefs
- “Money is evil.”
- “Don’t bother Dad, he’s tired after work.”
- “I don’t deserve a good life.”
- “You should only sit at the table with clean hands.”
- “Trash should be thrown in the bin.”
How Do Limiting Beliefs Hold Us Back?
Limiting beliefs can ruin our lives: they prevent us from building the relationships we dream of, earning the income we’re afraid to even imagine, being around interesting and kind people who won’t betray us, feeling needed and important to ourselves, doing what we love, allowing ourselves to be ourselves, accepting ourselves, being where we want to be, eating what we enjoy, buying what we want instead of what’s cheaper… the list goes on and on.
Of course, our limiting beliefs stifle our “inner child.” When that happens, we lose touch with our true desires and everything that our inner child represents. What are those qualities? The same ones real children have:
- They freely express their true desires
- They allow themselves to feel emotions
- They show genuine wonder
- They live in the moment
- They do what they want, not what they “should”
- They have intuition
- They find joy in simple things
- They are spontaneous!
We were all children once, and inside EACH OF US lives an “inner child” who remembers and knows how to do all this! There’s so much drive, energy, resources, pleasure, pure joy, and love for life and creativity in that. But we don’t hear its voice or desires under layers of false beliefs, fake rules, and limitations.
Working with Beliefs: A Personal Example
Below is my personal example, where I analyzed one of my limiting beliefs using a specific technique.
- The Belief:
“You have to pay for everything in life.” - What’s the benefit of this belief? (physically, psychologically, socially, spiritually)
- I don’t look for freebies
- I’m honest, not trying to cheat the system
- I don’t expect handouts
- It feels fair: I understand the material, consumer world and its rules
- There’s a clear cause-and-effect between getting what I want and paying for it
- I’m independent
- I easily agree to compromises, deals, barters, exchanges
- I don’t have trouble spending money
- What does this belief take away from me? (physically, psychologically, socially, spiritually)
- I live in constant tension and calculations
- I’m always expecting to “pay the price” for EVERYTHING
- For example, what price did I pay to be happy?
- I didn’t pay money for happiness, so what did I pay? Three options:
- Happiness will just end soon. I live in fear and anticipation of this.
- I’ll pay for happiness with my health or my loved ones’ health.
- I must not talk about happiness (or openly enjoy it) – as soon as I do, it’ll be taken away. That’s the price.
- As a result, I’m happy but can’t enjoy or appreciate what I have. I can’t just be present with my daughter or husband. There’s no carefree feeling, only constant worry: “Is everything okay? What can I improve?”
- I try not to think about happiness or immerse myself in it, but distract myself with something else, so I don’t “tempt fate” by feeling happy and enjoying it!
- I start nitpicking, looking for flaws in my happiness.
- I devalue what I have. If my happiness isn’t that great, then the price won’t be high (cheap things are cheap because they’re low quality or defective). I end up destroying my own happiness.
- Plus, my mind is always doing exhausting mental math: how many favors I’ve done, how many I’ve received “in return,” whether the number of gifts exchanged with a friend is equal, and so on. I get irritated with people who “haven’t paid me back, haven’t balanced the scales, owe me a favor/gift/service/whatever.”
- On a scale from 0 to 10, how much does this belief prevent me from reaching my goals?
7 out of 10. - When does this belief not apply? Examples:
- I don’t have to pay for myself at a restaurant, café, or bar.
- I don’t pay for genuine compliments.
- My daughter’s smile is free.
- Sunshine through the window is free.
- Blueberries in the forest don’t need to be paid for.
- Rain is also free.
- When did this belief form? How old was I, who said what, what’s the story?
I was about 4 or 5 years old. I was in the hospital: my mom worked night shifts as a nurse’s aide and took me with her when there was no one else to watch me. The nurses knew me, and I knew them. One evening, one of them gave me (what a miracle!) a little mattress, pillow, and blanket she had sewn just the right size for my doll! I always carried my doll, so the nurse knew the size. - I was over the moon! I jumped around the nurses’ room, exclaiming, “Mom, look! They gave me this! It’s for me! A gift! Just because! For me!”
- My mom, who had come in to rest from hard physical work and have some tea, nodded at first. Then, with sad eyes and a heavy sigh, she muttered, maybe to herself, “Nothing in life comes for free… you have to pay for everything…”
- Then she went off with a mop and bucket to clean the hospital corridor.
- What did I do? There was no room left for joy: when I was happy, Mom got sad. I felt guilty. I upset Mom. Maybe she’d get angry. That was scary – I didn’t want to be yelled at. I remember how that felt. I also felt guilty: Mom got sad because of me and went to work, “paying off” my gift – she said it wasn’t “just because” and “you have to pay for everything.” So she paid – by mopping floors and cleaning toilets in the hospital for my doll’s mattress…
- This belief was reinforced many times – by my mom, grandmothers, and godmother. It’s deeply rooted in my mind.
- On top of that, my mom was and still is ashamed of that chapter in her life when she worked as a nurse’s aide. “It’s shameful to be poor,” “That job is for uneducated people,” “It’s shameful to admit or show that you’re poor, that you can’t afford something” – these are also my own beliefs that I have to keep working on…
- What am I really afraid of? What does this belief protect me from?
It turns out that when I’m happy, when I feel good, someone else feels bad or sad. So I shouldn’t enjoy gifts (anything free), because it will upset Mom. I shouldn’t show that I’m happy (or I can only enjoy it “quietly”). Otherwise, Mom will get angry and I might get in trouble. - If I didn’t have this belief, then I would…
I could be joyful, happy, grateful for what I have, and openly express and share these feelings with others. I could enjoy the moment. I wouldn’t live in constant expectation that “something will happen,” “this will end soon,” “payback time is near,” “you can’t be happy, or else…,” “something’s wrong,” “I can’t possibly be HAPPY, that’s not for me.” I could let go of anxiety and stop keeping mental spreadsheets of everything I owe or am owed. - If I became free from this belief right now, what would be my first step?
I’d spend a day with friends without taking any money and see what happens! I want to try being free, to let go of the burden of calculations and expecting something bad to happen.
It’s amazing how little children can take on responsibility for adults’ problems and carry that burden throughout their lives…
The good news is that you can (and should!) learn to find and defuse old, distorted patterns. And you can learn, like in childhood, to listen to yourself, your true desires, and reconnect with your real self.