The Feeling of Envy

Envy is an emotion directed at other people and often implies a sense of resentment toward someone who has something the envious person desires.

Is Envy a Bad Feeling?

This is a common perception. Envy is often condemned, avoided, and criticized. This happens because people misunderstand its nature and don’t know how to experience it in a way that benefits themselves and others.

From a psychological perspective, there are no bad feelings. Each emotion is an indicator of how well a particular need is being met. That’s why it’s important to learn to listen to envy, understand it, and process it in a healthy way. It’s also crucial to separate your emotional experience from the behavior you choose to act on.

What Does Envy Tell Us?

Envy signals that someone else has something the envious person wants. It’s important to recognize not only the object of envy but also the state or feeling you believe you’ll gain with it.

• Envy of someone’s wealth may actually mean you desire the sense of ease that comes with being able to travel comfortably, help loved ones, or feel secure about your children’s future.
• Envy of someone’s fame may reflect a desire for significance, public recognition, influence, or power.
• Envy of people who are self-employed may indicate a longing for freedom, flexibility, and control over your own schedule.

Pay attention to the feelings you think you’ll experience if you get what you envy. How would you feel? What inner state are you seeking?

What Is Envy Made Of?

Envy consists of several components:

1. Recognition. “I envy you; you have such a successful project.” Admitting your envy toward someone is also about admiring them and their achievements.
2. A need for what the other person has. It’s important to listen to your envy and understand what it’s telling you, as described above.
3. Anger as energy to achieve your own needs. It’s important to channel this energy toward achieving your goals, not toward devaluing others, yourself, or your abilities.

Some people mistakenly believe that feeling envy is shameful or wrong. It’s important to let go of the idea that feelings are “good” or “bad.” When you do, you can see the great potential envy has for self-development, improving your life, and recognizing the achievements of others.

How to Process Envy in a Healthy Way

To do this, you need to:

• Recognize your feeling of envy without judgment: “I feel envy.”
• Acknowledge the achievements of the other person: “I feel envy toward my neighbor’s success.”
• Identify the object of envy as your own need: “I feel envy toward my neighbor’s success and realize this is about my need to become a successful person who allows themselves to achieve their goals and enjoy the fruits of their success.”
• Channel your energy toward fulfilling your own needs: “I recognize my needs and direct my energy toward meeting them step by step, considering my priorities and abilities.”

Is It Okay to Envy Family and Friends?

In healthy relationships, people can experience and express all feelings, as long as they do so in a healthy way.

Children envy their parents because parents can manage their own money, stay up late, watch any movie, and drink whatever they want. Parents can do many things children can’t, which naturally causes envy.

Sometimes parents envy their children because kids can cry whenever they want, genuinely enjoy life, and have no financial responsibilities.

We all feel envy, and it’s a natural emotion for any living person. That’s why it’s important to “legalize” your envy in real, adult relationships.

Legalizing envy can provide:

• Recognition of a loved one’s achievements
• An opportunity to find ways to meet your own desires and needs
• Deeper intimacy

In relationships where all feelings can be discussed openly, there’s no need to suppress envy or pretend to be perfect. Such relationships are built on trust and closeness between two real people.

Why Do People Deny Feeling Envy?

Some people claim they never feel envy. Often, this means:

• The person lives in a constant state of envy that’s been present since childhood, so they don’t notice it anymore.
• Admitting envy means admitting imperfection or lack in their life, so it’s easier to deny the feeling. This often shows up as devaluing or criticizing others, with comments like, “It’s all nonsense,” or, “What a show-off, raising their prices above average.”
• The person has mental health challenges. A mentally healthy person experiences the full range of feelings and emotions. Emotional vitality is shown in the variety of feelings a person can experience. Some people with mental disorders are unable to feel the full spectrum of emotions.

Conclusion

If you let go of black-and-white thinking and stop dividing feelings into “good” and “bad,” you can begin an exciting journey into your own needs and desires. Understanding yourself through the feeling of envy can help you along the way.