About Shame
Shame is one of the earliest social emotions. It arises in contact with others and always assumes the presence of an observer. Someone is looking at me, seeing me—I am noticed.
Shame implies that someone sees me as ugly, disgusting, insignificant, weak, ridiculous, unattractive, or dirty—not good enough by some standard. There is always judgment in shame. The other person observes me and disapproves.
When a person feels a surge of shame, they may blush, sweat, their heart beats faster, and they try to leave the situation as quickly as possible. Nothing destroys contact like shame. People hunch their shoulders, avert their eyes, and want to shrink away and disappear from view (but not from life itself). The feeling of being seen is unbearable.
Creative Shame
Creative shame is a reaction to a situation. It serves as a social regulator of arousal and helps us behave appropriately in society. For example, it keeps us from having sex in public or relieving ourselves in front of others. Shame is negative feedback that corrects our behavior in life.
Creative shame also regulates the balance between self-image and action. It arises when there is a mismatch between who you think you are and what you do—when you betray your own values. For example, if you see yourself as someone with strict morals but cheat on your spouse, shame will naturally arise. Or if you exaggerate your income or experience. If a person has no self-image, shame does not arise because there is nothing to regulate.
This is healthy shame, and it’s good that we have it.
When the “shame light” comes on, ask yourself: in what way am I betraying myself right now?
Toxic Shame
Toxic shame arises regardless of context. A person feels it in any situation: I am always not good enough, not right, crooked, dirty, ridiculous, etc. This means the person has an ideal self-image they can never reach (since an ideal is by definition unattainable), so no matter what they do, they always feel seen in their worthlessness.
Interestingly, a person can clearly and thoroughly describe their ideal, but even if they achieve it in reality, they still feel shame, because this image lives a separate life and serves to avoid being present in contact. People with toxic shame usually lack experiences of being accepted as they are; instead, they have a constant fear of rejection.
Shame forms when the connection with a supportive environment is suddenly and lastingly broken. For example, if a child is playing with a condom out of curiosity and excitement, and suddenly their mother (the person providing support and safety) sees them, her face twists, she leaves, and the supportive environment disappears. Now, every time excitement arises, shame appears to stop it.
Shame holds a huge amount of vitality.
Toxic shame in children forms in families where there is no real, present contact. The other person is not truly there, and is replaced by an ideal image. Achievements replace love and temporarily relieve shame, but only for a short time, so the main thing is to never stop.
Shame and Guilt
Guilt also assumes an observer, but unlike shame, it is not me who is being observed, but my action, which affects the observer. I did or didn’t do something that caused harm to another person.
Guilt arises toward someone specific; shame is about oneself. In shame, a person is more likely to feel alone.
Humanity has invented many ways to deal with guilt: confess, ask for forgiveness, pay compensation. The best relief comes when you are avenged.
Shame cannot be atoned for, only experienced.
The Dance of Idealization and Devaluation
Idealization and devaluation are major ways to avoid experiencing shame, since they allow us to avoid real, present contact.
In contact, a person projects the ideal image onto themselves or their conversation partner, feeling either arrogance or worthlessness, and the partner is either idealized or devalued.
At first, a person admires the other, leaving themselves with a worthless image—they are strong and stable only thanks to their relationship with the wonderful other. There is no love in this, only despair at the inability to love and revenge for feeling worthless.
Admiration ends with devaluation. Enchantment ends with disappointment. The difference is that enchantment is based on real presentation, and even when the partner turns out not to be as wonderful as imagined, there remains the warmth of real contact and gratitude between them.
A person with toxic shame is not present in relationships; there is nothing to warm themselves by, so after devaluation, there is no warmth or gratitude left. If they do express gratitude, it is formal and cold.
Other Ways to Avoid Experiencing Shame
- Replacing shame with fear. Shame is often masked by fear, as fear is easier to face and manage. “I’m afraid, so I don’t act.” Shame burns, and it feels impossible to cope with.
- Aggression.
- Preemptive rejection.
- Excessive ambition.
- Chasing achievements. A person may endlessly run from one success to another, as achievements replace love. They constantly set goals and achieve them to prove their ideality, or fail and confirm their worthlessness.
- Not experiencing the crisis of uniqueness. Feeling unique is normal for a child, but not for an adult. The crisis of uniqueness is relatively easy to go through in childhood, but much harder at thirty. A person with toxic shame gets stuck in this crisis: they feel both the most worthless and the most ambitious person in the world. If their ambitions are huge but they achieve nothing, imagine how much it hurts. The older they get, the harder it is to get through this crisis.
- Psychological exhibitionism. Showing off what you fear being exposed for. Shock value often hides a huge amount of shame that is unreachable.
The path to experiencing shame is not to run away from real, present contact. Then you may find a warm person nearby, who also makes mistakes and won’t abandon you for yours. Suddenly, you realize that a mistake is not a catastrophe, and you won’t be rejected for it.
Two Fears in Real Contact
- Fear of being abandoned. It feels safer to leave first than to be left—preemptive rejection.
- Fear of being exposed. The closer the Other gets, the more they can see your imperfections, so it seems safer to destroy the relationship in advance.
Shame Therapy
The hardest part of working with shame is that we don’t have direct access to it.
Treating toxic shame involves restoring the ability to experience it in contact with another person.
You can’t experience shame once and never feel it again—it will always be there, but it will stop being so unbearably painful.
The client organizes contact in a way that avoids shame, so you have to work with secondary manifestations:
- Idealization and devaluation
- Aggression
- Fear
- Shock value
- Excessive ambition
- Escaping real, present contact, etc.
Until shame is expressed in contact, it doesn’t exist. The same manifestations may hide other feelings.
Methodology:
- Identify shame
- Normalize it
- Place it in contact
At first, this may mean only seconds of experiencing shame. But gradually, the client will realize it’s safe with you and will be able to experience shame for longer periods.
The cost of a mistake is high. If you react with shaming, secondary retraumatization will block the experience of shame for a long time.
It’s important for parents (or therapists) to allow themselves to be idealized and then to be disappointed in, while staying present and in contact. If a child can’t be disappointed in their parents, they can’t grow up. That’s why it’s crucial for a therapist to be able to withstand a client’s disappointment in them.
There are two approaches:
- Never provoke shame, always praise, since shame blocks contact.
- Provoke as much as there are phenomena in the field. The more you provoke shame, the more present support you need to provide.