What Is Passive-Aggressive Behavior?

When we hear the word “aggression,” we often think of fights, shouting, profanity, attacks, and clear violations of personal boundaries. However, many aggressive people around us seem quiet, don’t appear to bother anyone, and sometimes even look unhappy. Yet, after interacting with them, you might feel shaken, wanting to scream or cry. To show aggression toward someone, you don’t have to be physically violent or unstable—passive, or hidden, aggression is enough.

Defining Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Passive-aggressive behavior is when a person seems to do nothing, but that’s exactly the problem. The term “passive-aggressive” was first used in clinical practice during World War II to describe soldiers who refused to follow orders.

In the first and second editions of the DSM (the American manual for diagnosing mental disorders), passive-aggressive people were conditionally divided into subtypes. Later, this behavior stopped being classified as a mental disorder. Today, while passive-aggressive behavior itself isn’t considered a mental illness, it often accompanies other disorders such as borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, clinical depression, and substance abuse.

Sometimes, passive-aggressive behavior is grouped with negativism, though they are different. Negativism is diagnosed if at least four of the following six signs are present:

• Passive resistance to routine social or work tasks (like deliberately missing the trash can when throwing something away)
• Complaints about being misunderstood or unappreciated
• Gloominess
• A love of arguing
• Envy of more successful people
• Constant complaints about failures

Passive-aggressive behavior includes things like making complaints “into the air” or behind someone’s back, exaggerated yawning, refusing help but continuing to show “suffering,” offering unsolicited help and then blaming others for being ungrateful, withholding important information, and more.

Examples of Passive-Aggressive Behavior

• Hinting Instead of Speaking Directly: A person wants something but doesn’t say it outright. Instead, they drop hints and then get upset when others don’t understand or meet their needs.
• Backhanded Compliments: These seem to acknowledge someone’s achievements but also criticize or devalue them.
• Ignoring and Silent Treatment: The person avoids communication, hoping this is better than open conflict, but expects others to “get the message.” Ignoring is a form of passive aggression, as humans are social beings and the “cold shoulder” can be cruel, especially to sensitive people.
• Procrastination and Sabotage: Avoiding unpleasant or difficult tasks by taking long breaks, extended lunches, or even calling in sick.
• Stubbornness: While sometimes useful, stubbornness becomes passive-aggressive when someone refuses to change their views or plans just to make things difficult for others, not out of principle.
• Saying One Thing, Doing Another: Agreeing to something but then quietly doing the opposite or finding a reason to back out at the last minute. Or doing the task, but not as requested.
• One-Word Answers: Responding with short “yes” or “no” answers in a gloomy, suffering, or offended tone.
• Guilt-Tripping: Phrases like “Can’t you figure it out yourself?” are meant to make the other person feel ashamed, guilty, and eager to make amends.

How Does Passive-Aggressive Behavior Affect Others?

Victims of passive-aggressive behavior often feel hurt, guilty, indignant, and usually want to respond with active aggression. This is exactly what passive-aggressive individuals want. When you lose your temper, they act like the “real victim,” claiming innocence.

Why Do People Act This Way?

The root of passive-aggressive behavior is hostility and an inability or unwillingness to express it openly. In many cultures, directly refusing, disagreeing, or expressing true desires is seen as rude or having a “difficult personality.” Passive-aggressive behavior seems more acceptable to some people than other models.

Research shows that passive-aggressive people often experienced a lack of care, hostility, or harsh treatment from parents in childhood. Children who witness covert hostility and lack of cooperation between parents later struggle with aggression, conflict resolution, health, and academic performance. They react similarly to both active and passive aggression between parents—silence, meaningful looks, and pursed lips.

Studies on twins show that for women, both genetics and family environment play about equal roles, while for men, passive-aggressive behavior is determined almost entirely by environment.

As children, it may have been unsafe for them to express their desires and feelings openly, and their families modeled passive-aggressive rather than assertive behavior. Assertive behavior means openly stating your desires and setting acceptable boundaries while considering others’ interests, without passive or active aggression.

How to Deal with Passive-Aggressive People

• Recognize the Pattern: Understand that you are not “crazy” or overreacting. If passive-aggressive behavior is a regular pattern toward you, the problem lies in their hostility, not your reaction.
• Control Your Emotions: Passive-aggressive people want you to lose your temper and create drama, making them look like the innocent victim. If you stop playing this game, they will eventually have to change their strategy.
• Communicate Directly: Clearly state your expectations using “I” statements. Make agreements specific and, if necessary, put them in writing.
• Set Boundaries: Define what is acceptable to you and what is not. Understand your own responsibilities and don’t worry about things outside your control. In relationships, discuss which areas are shared responsibilities, whether it’s taking out the trash or initiating intimacy.

If you recognize passive-aggressive behavior in yourself, it’s time to change, regardless of whether you did it consciously or not. This behavior can damage relationships at home or work. Medical sources recommend seeking help from a psychotherapist if you or your group can’t overcome this pattern on your own.