What Is Passive Aggression?

Passive aggression is a form of behavior that disguises hostility in socially acceptable ways, making it difficult to recognize at first. It often hides behind laughter, apparent concern, or phrases like “I was just sharing my feelings,” “What’s the big deal?” “You’re exaggerating,” “You misunderstood,” or “I was just joking.” This is why passive aggression is sometimes called “covert abuse.”

In this article, I’ll share my thoughts on what passive aggression is and how to spot it.

Defining Aggression

Aggression is any threat to or violation of my personal boundaries—physical or psychological. Overt aggression is easy to spot: insults, physical attacks, threats to safety and well-being, intimidation, destructive criticism, blackmail, or frightening displays of anger (like breaking dishes, slamming doors, punching walls, etc.).

My main difficulty in identifying passive aggression is that it’s often so well disguised as care or everyday actions that it’s hard to see the aggression beneath the surface. For example, I have a friend who is a lovely person and always wishes me well, but I find myself avoiding her and feeling uncomfortable and anxious around her for reasons I can’t explain. Now I realize that every time we interacted, my boundaries and self-esteem were subtly attacked.

The foundation of passive aggression is a series of small actions by the aggressor aimed at undermining the victim’s confidence, creating feelings of helplessness, confusion, anxiety, humiliation, shame, guilt, hopelessness, insecurity, depression, and isolation. In this state, a person is easy to control, and their self-esteem and sense of self-worth can be eroded—especially over long-term interactions.

Types of Passive Aggression (According to Sam Vaknin)

1. GaslightingGaslighting is a term used by mental health professionals to describe manipulative behavior intended to make someone doubt their perception of reality and even their sanity. The aggressor convinces the victim that their thoughts and feelings are wrong, unnatural, or caused by fatigue, magnetic storms, incompetence, or hidden mental illness. Any dissatisfaction the victim expresses is immediately explained away by the aggressor. Over time, the victim starts to believe something is wrong with them and accepts the aggressor’s authority as the only one who “truly understands” what’s happening.

   The term comes from the 1944 film “Gaslight,” where a woman witnesses strange events orchestrated by her husband, who insists she’s imagining things, nearly driving her insane.

   Many of us have heard phrases like: “You’re overcomplicating things,” “You think that way because you’re depressed,” “You’re too sensitive,” “I didn’t say anything that bad, why are you so upset?” “If you’re offended, you must have issues,” “Come on, I was just joking that you’re fat (or stupid, or a spinster, or messy—fill in the blank),” “You always make a mountain out of a molehill,” or “You can’t manage without me,” “Who else would want you but me?”

   The worst part about these phrases is that they attack self-esteem and distort self-perception. Even smart and strong people can start doubting their adequacy, while more vulnerable individuals may break down completely. In many cases, the real problem isn’t you—it’s that you’re dealing with a manipulator. Sadly, this technique is often used by men against women.

2. WithholdingThis includes actions by the aggressor that prevent the victim from expressing their thoughts and emotions, essentially forcing them to hold back.
   • Boycotting (refusing to communicate)
   • Invalidating emotions (“Only idiots laugh at those jokes”)
   • Belittling hopes and plans (“You seriously think you can do that?” “How could you even dream of such a thing?”), or achievements (“Any fool can do that”)
   • Cruel jokes
   • Blocking communication (changing the subject, getting distracted during conversations, turning serious talks into jokes, postponing discussions)
   • Blaming (“When you talk about your problems, it upsets me and raises my blood pressure”)
   • Criticism (“If you think that way, you’re not doing things right; you should do it differently”)
   • Denying past events that caused the victim’s negative emotions
   • Labeling (“You say that because you’re an idiot”)

   As a result, the victim starts to limit themselves in expressing opinions, emotions, desires, and plans, considering them stupid, incomprehensible, inappropriate, or unimportant. In other words, they’re forced to withhold them.

   Other examples include:

   • “Wounding with honesty” (“Don’t get offended, but I’ll tell you the truth”)
   • Ignoring
   • Invading privacy (“I just tidied up your desk and read your diary a bit—what, do you have something to hide?” “I read your texts/chats—are you hiding something from me?”)
   • Unrealistic expectations (“You should do much more because you have the ability”)
   • Tactlessness (inappropriate remarks or questions: “Why don’t you have kids yet?”)
   • Unwanted advice (“If I were you…”), pity (“Honestly, I feel sorry for you”)
   • Unsolicited stories about their own experiences, humiliation, shaming
   • Spreading intimate information
   • Creating difficult situations to “test” the victim
   • Controlling through others (asking neighbors to watch where and with whom the victim goes)
   • Unwanted care
   • Unnecessary gifts that are later demanded to be used
   • Hinting actions (for example, demonstratively putting away knives when someone is going through a breakup or argument)

   The victim ends up feeling uncomfortable about expressing themselves, as these expressions provoke negative reactions from others. They feel the need to justify their feelings and actions—or, to avoid justifying themselves, they simply hide them.

   Ultimately, this leads to a person becoming isolated from themselves, unable to trust their own feelings or protect themselves, leaving them defenseless against the manipulator’s attacks.

3. BlankingBlanking means denying the value of another person, neglecting them, refusing to help, share responsibilities, or offer support. For example, someone lets the victim down by not showing up to an important meeting, not providing necessary documents, or a husband refusing to give money for essential needs (like hand cream, allergy-free cleaning products, a simple haircut, or dental care) to a stay-at-home wife with a small child, because he doesn’t consider these needs important—after all, it’s “his” money. A husband may refuse to help with the kids, claiming it’s “women’s work.” Parents may ignore the interests of their adult child, rearrange their room or renovate it without asking, throw away their belongings, or show up unannounced without considering the adult child’s schedule.

“Sharing Feelings” as Manipulation

I’d also like to highlight a type of passive aggression where the aggressor dumps their negative feelings on the victim to influence their behavior, attitude, or opinions—under the guise of “just sharing my feelings.” This kind of aggression is hard to spot because it’s disguised as care and intimacy. However, if after such “feedback” you feel anger, helplessness, or guilt, you’ve likely been subtly manipulated.

What Can You Do?

It’s important to remember one crucial thing: you are not responsible for other people’s feelings. Others have the right to feel whatever they want about you, your personality, your duties, your appearance, etc.—but it’s their responsibility to deal with their feelings. You don’t have to rush to change yourself or your behavior just to make things easier or more comfortable for them. If someone makes you responsible for their feelings, bad mood, or worries, they are manipulating you.

Passive aggression is much more common than overt aggression. Its goal is to “break down the victim’s psychological boundaries.” Sometimes it’s even more destructive than open aggression, because the victim can’t always defend themselves or recognize the hostility. Passive aggression is especially damaging to those who, due to personal traits or childhood trauma, already feel inadequate or unworthy, and believe it’s wrong to resist, defend themselves, or get upset—after all, “they mean well,” “they’re just giving feedback,” or “they’re telling the truth.”

So, the answer to “what should I do?” is this: allow yourself to have boundaries and the right to defend them, in whatever way you see fit. For me, this is a long and difficult process: separating what’s mine from what’s not, setting barriers, protecting my boundaries, being attentive to what’s happening in all my relationships, and forgiving myself if I don’t manage to take care of my well-being right away.