What Is Passive Aggression?

Passive aggression is a form of behavior that often disguises itself as socially acceptable interaction, making it difficult to recognize at first glance. It hides behind laughter, apparent concern, or phrases like “I was just sharing my feelings,” “What’s the big deal?” “You’re exaggerating,” “You misunderstood,” or “I was just joking.” This is why passive aggression is sometimes called “covert abuse.”

So, what exactly is passive aggression, and how can you spot it? Here are my thoughts on the subject.

Defining Aggression

First, let’s clarify what we mean by “aggression.” Aggression is a threat to, or an actual violation of, my personal boundaries-both physical and psychological. Overt aggression is easy to spot: it includes insults, physical attacks, threats to safety and well-being, intimidation, destructive criticism, blackmail, or frightening displays of anger (like breaking dishes, slamming doors, punching walls, etc.).

The main challenge with identifying passive aggression is that it’s often so well disguised as care or everyday actions that it’s hard to see the aggression beneath the surface.

Recognizing Passive Aggression in Everyday Life

For example, I have a friend who is a lovely person and always wishes me well, but for some reason, I just don’t want to talk to her. I can’t explain why I avoid her, but I feel uncomfortable and anxious around her. Now I realize that every time we interacted, my boundaries and self-esteem were subtly attacked.

The foundation of passive aggression is a series of small actions by the aggressor that undermine the victim’s confidence, create feelings of helplessness, confusion, anxiety, humiliation, shame, guilt, hopelessness, insecurity, depression, and isolation. In this state, a person is easy to control, and their self-esteem and sense of self-worth can be eroded-especially over time.

Types of Passive Aggression (According to Sam Vaknin)

1. GaslightingGaslighting is a term used by mental health professionals to describe manipulative behavior aimed at making someone doubt their perception of reality and even their sanity. The aggressor convinces the victim that their thoughts and feelings are wrong, unnatural, or caused by fatigue, stress, incompetence, or even a hidden mental disorder. Any dissatisfaction the victim expresses is immediately explained away by the aggressor. Over time, the victim starts to believe something is wrong with them and accepts the aggressor’s version of reality.

   The term comes from the 1944 film “Gaslight,” where a woman witnesses strange events orchestrated by her husband, who then insists she’s imagining things, nearly driving her insane.

   Common gaslighting phrases include: “You’re overcomplicating things,” “You think that way because you’re depressed,” “You’re overreacting to a simple comment,” “I didn’t say anything wrong, why are you so upset?” “If you’re offended, you must have issues,” “I was just joking when I called you fat (or stupid, or a prude, or messy-insert insult here),” “You always make a mountain out of a molehill,” or “You can’t manage without me,” “Who else would want you but me?”

   The worst part about these phrases is that they attack your self-esteem and distort your self-perception. Even strong, intelligent people can start doubting themselves, while more vulnerable individuals may break down completely. In many cases, the real problem isn’t you-it’s that you’re dealing with a manipulator. Sadly, this technique is often used by men against women.

2. WithholdingThis includes actions by the aggressor that prevent the victim from expressing their thoughts and emotions. The victim is forced to suppress their feelings.
   • Boycotting (refusing to communicate)
   • Dismissing emotions (“Only idiots laugh at those jokes”)
   • Belittling hopes and plans (“You really think you can do that?” “How could you even dream of such a thing?”), achievements (“Anyone could do that”)
   • Harsh jokes
   • Blocking communication (changing the subject, distracting during conversations, turning serious talks into jokes, postponing discussions)
   • Blaming (“When you talk about your problems, it upsets me and raises my blood pressure”)
   • Criticism (“If you think that way, you’re not doing things right; you should do it differently”)
   • Denying past events that upset the victim
   • Labeling (“You say that because you’re an idiot”)

   As a result, the victim starts to limit themselves in expressing opinions, emotions, desires, and plans, seeing them as stupid, incomprehensible, inappropriate, or unimportant. They’re forced to hold everything in.

   Other examples include:

   • “Wounding with honesty” (“Don’t take it personally, but I’ll be honest with you”)
   • Ignoring; invading privacy (“I just tidied up your desk and read your diary a bit-what, do you have something to hide?” “I read your texts/chats-are you hiding something from me?”)
   • Unrealistic expectations (“You should do much more because you’re capable”)
   • Tactless remarks or questions (“Why don’t you have kids yet?”)
   • Unwanted advice (“If I were you.”), pity (“Honestly, I feel sorry for you”)
   • Unsolicited stories about their own experiences; humiliation; shaming
   • Sharing private information
   • Creating difficult situations to “test” the victim
   • Controlling through others (asking neighbors to watch where and with whom the victim goes)
   • Unwanted “care”
   • Unnecessary gifts that come with strings attached
   • Hinting actions (like putting away knives when someone is upset after a breakup)

   The victim ends up feeling uncomfortable about expressing themselves, as their feelings and actions provoke negative reactions from others. They feel the need to justify themselves, or, to avoid that, they simply hide their true selves.

   The result is isolation from oneself-the person can no longer trust their own feelings or protect themselves, leaving them defenseless against the manipulator’s attacks.

3. BlankingThis means denying the value of another person, neglecting them, refusing to help, share responsibilities, or offer support. For example, someone lets the victim down by not showing up to an important meeting, not providing necessary documents, or a husband refusing to give money for essential needs (like hand cream, allergy-free cleaning products, a simple haircut, or dental care) to a stay-at-home wife with a small child, because he doesn’t consider these needs important. Or a husband refuses to help with the kids, saying it’s “women’s work.” Parents may ignore the interests of their adult child, rearrange their room or renovate it without asking, throw away their belongings, or show up unannounced without considering their child’s schedule.

Emotional Dumping Disguised as “Sharing”

Another form of passive aggression is when the aggressor dumps their negative feelings on the victim to influence their behavior, attitude, or opinions-under the guise of “just sharing my feelings.” This kind of manipulation is hard to spot because it’s disguised as care and intimacy. However, if after such “feedback” you feel anger, helplessness, or guilt, you’ve likely been subtly manipulated.

What Can You Do?

It’s important to remember one crucial thing: you are not responsible for other people’s feelings. Others have the right to feel whatever they want about you, your personality, your duties, your appearance, etc.-but it’s their responsibility to deal with their own feelings. You don’t have to rush to change yourself or your behavior just to make things easier or more comfortable for them. If someone makes you responsible for their feelings, bad mood, or worries, they are manipulating you.

Passive aggression is much more common than overt aggression. Its goal is to break down the victim’s psychological boundaries. Sometimes, it’s even more destructive than open aggression, because the victim can’t always defend themselves or recognize the hostility. Passive aggression is especially damaging to those who, due to personal traits or childhood trauma, already feel inadequate or unworthy, and believe it’s wrong to resist or defend themselves-after all, “they mean well,” “they’re just giving feedback,” or “they’re telling the truth.”

So, the answer to “What should I do?” is this: allow yourself to have boundaries and the right to defend them, in whatever way you see fit. For me, this is a long and difficult process: separating what’s mine from what’s not, setting barriers, protecting my boundaries, being attentive to what’s happening in all my relationships, and forgiving myself if I don’t manage to take care of my well-being right away.