What Is Aggression?

Aggression isn’t just about “hitting” or “insulting.” It can also take the form of sarcasm, silence, or ignoring someone.

Let’s start with the positive side. Aggression is a form of energy that is essential for survival. To create, achieve, defend ourselves, and grow, we need aggression. Aggression is multifaceted—it ranges from discomfort and irritation to anger and rage.

The key skill everyone needs is to recognize aggression within themselves, accept it, and process it in a way that allows them to express their feelings to others in a civilized manner.

Unfortunately, most of us don’t know how to do this. We tend to bottle up our grievances and stay silent for a long time. This is especially common among women, who often tolerate things they shouldn’t have to endure.

Our society’s culture expects women to be accepting and understanding. From childhood, girls hear, “You’re a girl,” and learn that they’re not supposed to get angry. It’s okay for a brother, father, or even mother to show anger, but not for her—she’s a girl. But negative emotions don’t just disappear; they settle inside and find other ways out—indirect forms of aggression.

What Does Passive Aggression Look Like?

• Sarcasm
• Belittling
• Dissatisfaction
• Irritation
• Ignoring
• Gossip
• Insults
• Mockery
• Intrigue
• Manipulation
• Sabotage

These forms of psychological abuse are the result of unexpressed aggression and accumulated grievances. They’re hard to spot, difficult to point out, and almost impossible to prove. For example, your mom says, “Well, finally you look good.” On one hand, it’s a compliment. On the other, something feels off. “Finally? How do I usually look?” you try to defend yourself. “Why do you react like that? I didn’t say anything bad,” your mom replies, dismissing your hurt feelings.

If you try to tell the aggressor that their behavior is unpleasant, they’ll likely accuse you of being too sensitive and insist they had only the best intentions. Living with someone who practices passive aggression can feel like being a patient in a psychiatric hospital. You know something is wrong, but those around you tell you you’re imagining things.

Examples of Passive Aggression in Everyday Life

“Is something wrong?” a husband asks his wife at breakfast. She sits with pursed lips, clearly showing her displeasure.

“No. What am I doing wrong again?” the wife mutters through clenched teeth, and the father and child exchange glances. Each tries to remember what mistake they might have made in the last 30 minutes to upset mom or wife.

“No, everything’s fine. You just seem tense,” the husband tries to understand.

“You’re always dissatisfied with something about me.”

The husband starts to lose his temper, and the argument escalates…

This is a classic example of a woman showing her displeasure but refusing to admit it. Or a mother who didn’t like something her child did or said and responds with a silent boycott.

The child might not have even been present at the time, but the mother assumes the child understands or should figure it out. She greets the child after school with a stone-cold face, ignores their questions, or responds very coldly. The child tries to guess what’s wrong, replays every detail in their mind, and wonders what they did wrong. They might even suspect the reason but are afraid to ask directly.

Ignoring is a severe form of passive aggression, and it affects children the most. The child loses contact with their closest person and feels as if they don’t exist. Sometimes, the father, grandmother, or siblings join in, and the boycott escalates. The child desperately searches for answers, tries to please the mother, and eventually starts provoking her, hoping to trigger an open conflict just to end the tension.

If a mother behaves passive-aggressively toward the child’s father, she puts him in an absurd position. The father is physically present, but the mother acts as if he isn’t. The child feels uncomfortable, doesn’t know how to respond to these mixed signals, and wonders if they can interact with their father or if they should also act “strangely.” In any case, the situation is ambiguous, and the child suffers greatly.

A passive-aggressive person is a product of their environment. At some point, their parents chose this style of behavior, and now they don’t know how to resolve conflict any other way. And often, that person is us.