Three Perspectives on the World and How to Change Your Life by Shifting Your Viewpoint
Have you ever found yourself getting into a conflict, only to later wonder, “Why did I even bother? All it did was ruin my mood.” Or maybe someone crossed your personal boundaries and you didn’t notice right away? This article explores how to spot an approaching conflict, maintain your personal boundaries, and develop conscious responses by understanding different perspectives.
What Are Perceptual Positions?
Perceptual positions are the viewpoints from which a person observes what’s happening. You can observe from:
- “I” – when you’re focused on yourself,
- “You” – when you’re focused on the other person,
- “Observer” – a so-called third-party or outside perspective.
By shifting your perceptual position, you can change your reaction. Here’s how these positions look, using the example of someone accidentally stepping on your foot:
- “I” Position – Focused on yourself and your feelings, you’re the center of the universe: “I’m upset! What a clumsy person, almost crushed my foot. Watch where you’re going!” This might be said out loud or just thought.
- “You” Position – Focused on the other person and their feelings: “Are you okay? Did you trip? Are you hurt?”
- “Observer” Position – Stepping back and viewing the situation from the outside: Someone was walking by, tripped, and accidentally stepped on your foot.
The first two positions are “involved,” while the third is “detached.”
There Are No Good or Bad Positions—Only Appropriate or Inappropriate Ones
For example, if you’re planning a vacation and buying a tour package, you’re focused on yourself: choosing a hotel with a beautiful interior and good food, imagining yourself relaxing on a beach chair, feeling a mojito in your hand, asking about the flight duration, picturing yourself in the airplane seat. The “I” position is appropriate here; it’s important to filter all the details through your own feelings to make the right choice.
But what if the travel agent tries to sell you an expensive excursion you don’t need, using vivid descriptions and sensory language to make you imagine the sunset, the warm sand, the sound of the waves, the taste of salty spray, and the pleasant breeze? If “I” is your dominant position, you might get swept up in the moment and buy something unnecessary, only to later wonder, “Why did I do that?”
If your dominant position is “You,” you’re more focused on others, which can be a weak spot. If the agent says, “Please buy it, I have to meet my sales quota or I’ll lose my bonus,” you might buy the excursion out of sympathy, not wanting to disappoint a “good person.”
To avoid getting stuck in these involved positions, you need a well-trained “Observer.” In this position, you mentally pause the situation, step back, imagine a protective glass wall, turn off the emotional sound, and watch from the outside: observing the agent, yourself, and your interaction. The goal is to switch from an involved state to an outside perspective. If you can step out of “I” and “You” in time, take a pause, and mentally move behind the glass, you’ll protect yourself from impulsive decisions. At first, this might take a few minutes, but with practice, it will only take seconds.
How Living from Each Position Affects Your Life
If you don’t consciously manage your positions, they’ll form on their own, possibly leading you somewhere you never intended. Someone who lives mostly from the “I” position filters everything through themselves. The upside is a vivid, emotional life—spontaneity, childlike openness, and experiencing every nuance. The downside is that you also take on all the world’s problems as your own, getting drawn into conflicts to defend your “I.”
Living from the “You” position means others’ feelings and needs are more important than your own. This can lead to ignoring yourself, but skillful use of this position fosters closeness, empathy, and trust. It’s especially important in healing, teaching, or any expert role.
In the “Observer” position, there are no emotions—life is a series of actions, a process you watch from the outside. Mastering the “Observer” helps you switch to a cool, rational mindset, avoid panic in emergencies, and see the whole picture.
Again, there are no good or bad positions—only those that are appropriate or not for a given situation. In “I,” we want to be heard, accepted, hugged, given a treat, or patted on the head. In “You,” we can share our treat. In “Observer,” especially if your partner can do the same, you can rise above the situation, grab a telescope, and together find the nearest candy store and plan your route.
Exercises to Practice Shifting Positions
- In your next few conversations, notice which position you naturally use. Do you focus more on yourself and your feelings (“I”)? Do you tend to empathize with others and put yourself in their shoes (“You”), pushing your own needs aside? Or do you act as an “Observer,” watching the situation like a scientist? Maybe you’re good at all three. Do you control them, or do they control you?
- Try the same in a conflict. Consciously recall the positions and notice how you argue: do you push from “I” (“I told you, it’s going to be my way!”), give in from “You” (“Let’s do it your way”), or rise above the situation as an “Observer,” seeing the whole picture in 3D, zooming in and out, focusing on the details you need?
- Intentionally spend one day in each position: one as “I,” one as “You,” and one as “Observer.” Notice how these states differ and how you feel in each. Which is easier? Which is harder? Pay special attention to the one that’s most challenging for you.
When you learn to manage your perceptual positions, as an “Observer” you’ll spot conflicts from afar, as “I” you’ll quickly notice boundary violations, and as “You” you’ll truly see and hear the other person, not just your own reflection in them.
Why Self-Therapy Can Be Hard—and Why Working with a Psychologist Is More Effective
If someone is stuck in the “I” position, they may get lost in self-therapy: “My parents hurt me, I felt terrible, I still feel awful.” Without access to “You” and “Observer,” they’ll get stuck in their pain, exhaust themselves, and feel drained. They need someone nearby to support them at the deepest point of “I” and gently help them out if they get overwhelmed.
If someone is more developed in the “You” position, they’ll focus on their tormentors’ motives: why did they act that way, what drove them, maybe even justify them. In these moments, a psychologist helps shift attention from “You” to “I.” If there’s a lot of pain, the person may disconnect from “I” and mentally escape when approaching it. They lose access to themselves, and it’s too painful to feel. But without diving into “I,” deep work isn’t possible.
If the “Observer” position is more developed, the person won’t get into “unnecessary” feelings. They’ll rationalize: “My parents worked a lot, times were tough, yes, they lost their temper, but they couldn’t help it.”