Three Perspectives on the World and How Changing Your Viewpoint Can Transform Your Life
Have you ever found yourself getting into a conflict, only to wonder afterward why you even bothered, realizing it just ruined your mood? Or maybe someone crossed your personal boundaries and you didn’t notice right away? How can you spot an approaching conflict in advance, maintain your boundaries, and learn to respond more consciously? That’s what this article is about.
What Are Perceptual Positions?
Perceptual positions are the viewpoints from which a person observes what’s happening. You can observe from:
- “I” – when you’re focused on yourself,
- “You” – when you’re focused on the other person,
- “Observer” – a so-called outside perspective.
By changing your perceptual position, you can change your reaction. Here’s how these positions look, using the example of someone accidentally stepping on your foot:
- “I” Position – Focused on yourself and your feelings, you’re the center of the universe: “I’m upset! What a clumsy person, almost crushed my foot. Watch where you’re going!” You might say this out loud or just think it.
- “You” Position – Focused on the other person and their feelings: “Are you okay? Did you trip? Are you hurt?”
- “Observer” Position – Taking a step back and looking at the situation from the outside: Someone was walking by, tripped, and accidentally stepped on your foot.
The first two positions are involved, the third is detached.
There Are No Good or Bad Positions-Only Appropriate or Inappropriate Ones
For example, when you’re planning a vacation and buying a tour, you’re focused on yourself: choosing a hotel with a nice interior and good food, imagining yourself relaxing on a beach chair, feeling a mojito in your hand, asking about the flight duration, picturing yourself in the airplane seat. The “I” position is appropriate here; it’s important to filter all the details through your own feelings to make the right choice.
But then the travel agent offers you an expensive excursion you don’t need, painting a vivid picture using the “see, hear, feel” technique: describing the crimson sunset, the warm sand under your feet, the sound of the waves, the taste of salty spray, and the pleasant breeze. If “I” is your dominant position, you might get swept up in the moment and buy the unnecessary excursion, only to later wonder, “Why did I do that?”
If your dominant position is “You,” you’re more focused on others, which can be a weak spot. If the agent adds, “Please buy it, I have to meet my sales quota or I’ll lose my bonus,” you might buy the excursion out of sympathy, not wanting to disappoint a “good person.”
To avoid getting caught up in these involved positions, you need a well-trained “Observer.” In this position, you mentally pause the situation, step back, imagine a protective glass wall, mute the sound, and watch from the outside-observing both the agent and yourself, without emotion. The goal is to switch from an involved state to an outside perspective. If you can step out of “I” and “You” in time, take a pause, and mentally move behind the glass, you’ll protect yourself from impulsive decisions. At first, this might take a few minutes, but with practice, it will only take seconds.
How Perceptual Positions Shape Your Life
If you don’t learn to consciously manage your positions, they’ll form on their own, often leading you where you don’t want to go. Someone who lives mostly from the “I” position experiences everything through themselves. The upside is a vivid, emotional life-spontaneity, childlike openness, and the full spectrum of feelings. The downside is that you also take on all the world’s problems as your own, getting drawn into conflicts to defend your “I.”
Living from the “You” position means others’ feelings and needs are more important than your own. This can lead to ignoring yourself, but skillful use of this position fosters closeness, empathy, and trust. It’s especially important in caregiving, teaching, or any expert role.
In the “Observer” position, there are no emotions-life is a series of actions, a process you watch from the outside. Mastering the “Observer” helps you switch to a cool, rational mindset in emergencies, avoid panic, and see the whole picture.
Again, there are no good or bad positions-only those that are appropriate or inappropriate for a given situation. In “I,” we want to be heard, accepted, hugged, given a treat, or patted on the head. In “You,” we can share our treat. In “Observer,” especially if your partner can do the same, you can rise above the situation, take out a telescope, find the nearest candy store, and plan the route together.
Exercises to Practice Perceptual Positions
- In your next few conversations, notice which position you naturally take. Do you focus more on yourself and your feelings (“I”)? Or do you tend to empathize with others and put yourself in their shoes (“You”), pushing your own position aside? Or are you more of an “Observer,” watching the situation like a scientist? Maybe you’re good at all three. Do you control them, or do they control you?
- Try this during a conflict. Consciously recall the positions and notice how you argue: do you push from “I” (“I told you, it’s going to be my way!”), give in from “You” (“Let’s do it your way”), or rise above the situation as an “Observer,” seeing the situation in 3D, zooming in and out, focusing on the important parts?
- Try living one day from each position: one from “I,” one from “You,” and one from “Observer.” Notice how these states differ and how you feel in each. Which is easier, which is harder? Pay special attention to the one that’s most challenging for you.
When you learn to manage your perceptual positions, you’ll spot conflicts early from the “Observer,” instantly sense boundary violations from “I,” and truly see and hear others from “You,” instead of just seeing your own reflection in them.
Why Self-Therapy Is Harder Than Working with a Psychologist
If someone is only developed in the “I” position, they’ll approach self-therapy from there too: “My parents hurt me, I felt terrible, I feel awful now.” Without access to “You” and “Observer,” they’ll get stuck in “I,” reliving all the pain and exhausting themselves. They need someone nearby to support them at the deepest point of “I,” and gently help them step out if they get lost.
If someone is more developed in the “You” position, they’ll focus on their tormentors’ motives-why did they act that way, what drove them, maybe even justify them. In these moments, a psychologist helps shift attention from “You” to “I.” If there’s a lot of pain, the person may disconnect from “I,” mentally escaping when they get too close. Without access to “I,” deep work isn’t possible.
If the “Observer” position is more developed, the person won’t dive into “unnecessary” feelings. They’ll rationalize: “My parents worked a lot, times were tough, yes, they lost their temper, but they couldn’t help it.”
By learning to consciously switch between these positions, you can better understand yourself and others, respond more thoughtfully, and make choices that truly serve your well-being.