The Victim Mentality: What Is It?

The victim mentality is a mindset where a person feels they are suffering because of the actions of others, the government, or external circumstances. People with this mentality are often incredibly patient, rarely show outward aggression, and can evoke a strong urge in others to rescue them, offer advice, or even take action on their behalf. They often appear to be suffering, but their suffering is usually accompanied by a sense of resignation. Typically, it seems as if a good, righteous person has become the victim of cunning people or unfortunate circumstances. Outwardly, these individuals often seem helpless and unable to defend themselves.

What’s Really Behind the Victim Story?

In reality, people who appear to be victims often display three important traits:

1. Lack of Responsibility: They don’t take responsibility for their own lives, always blaming external factors for their problems—an abusive spouse, a corrupt government, tough times, or a foolish boss.
2. Hidden Aggression: They actually harbor a lot of aggression, but it’s usually unconscious and expressed passively. Instead of directly stating what they want or don’t want, they manipulate others into feeling or doing what the victim wants. Their favorite form of aggression is blame. Whether expressed openly or not, if someone feels guilty, they’re more likely to give in to the victim’s needs.
3. The “White Cloak” Effect: These people often try to do everything “the right way,” which gives them a sense of being good and having fulfilled their part of an unspoken deal (usually formed in childhood with parental figures): “If I do everything right, I deserve to get what I want in return.”

Common Examples of Victim Mentality

Stories of victimhood are so common that you can find countless examples just by looking around—or even in the mirror. Here are two simplified examples:

• Mother and Son:

  Son: “I’ve decided to go to culinary school. I don’t want to go to law school.”

  Mother (clutching her heart): “What? After all your father and I have done for you, all the money we spent on tutors, all the sacrifices we made so you wouldn’t repeat our mistakes, and now you want to become a cook? I can’t take this, my heart can’t handle it.”

  Here, the mother is sending the message: “I’ve done so much to be a good mom, now I expect you to be a good son by doing what I want. If you don’t, I’ll make you feel guilty for my feelings and health.” The son is not seen as an individual with his own choices and feelings; the mother uses the victim position to pressure him into submission.

• Wife Complaining to a Friend:

  “My husband is a real trial! It’s my karmic debt! Everyone else has a good husband, but I got this one. He comes home late and drunk, with lipstick on his shirt! He hasn’t given me money for two months, spends it all on himself. And I work so hard for him—cleaning, cooking, and he even forgot my birthday!”

  Here, the wife paints herself as the perfect, self-sacrificing spouse and her husband as the villain. She’s made an unspoken deal: “If I’m a good wife (according to someone else’s standards), you must be a good husband.” The husband may not even know about this “deal.” The friend is expected to take the wife’s side, becoming the rescuer, while the husband is cast as the persecutor—completing the classic Karpman Drama Triangle.

The Power and Danger of Empathy

Many of us are used to seeing beggars and panhandlers. Some have developed immunity, knowing there may be organized crime behind them, while others still give money. If no one gave, there would be no beggars. Victims know how to tug at our heartstrings, evoking strong feelings of compassion and empathy. Sometimes, by supporting others in tough times, we’re really supporting ourselves, putting ourselves in the vulnerable person’s shoes.

Empathy and compassion are important human qualities. But imagine if, consciously or not, someone uses your empathy for their own benefit. It’s easy to forget about fake beggars, but will a son forget being treated as a tool for someone else’s needs? If not, he might shut down emotionally to survive in such an aggressive environment, losing all empathy and compassion.

Or consider the friend who helps a woman leave her cheating husband, only for the woman to later return to her husband and blame the friend for interfering. The friend feels used or guilty, and everything works out just as the victim wanted. Doesn’t sound so helpless, does it?

Recognizing the Victim Game in Ourselves

These examples are fictional, but even writing them, I notice my own victim tendencies—blaming victims, which is exactly what I’m describing. In writing this article, the victims became my “persecutors,” and I’m addressing you, the reader, as the rescuer. Maybe I haven’t reached the level of Zen where I can describe the Karpman Triangle without getting caught up in it myself.

Still, my main point is this: the victim position is actually very aggressive. In fact, it’s easy to become an abuser from this position—violating others’ boundaries, stealing their time, resources, and energy.

Why Do We Play the Victim?

I’m sure everyone is familiar with the victim role. I know I spent much of my life in it, manipulating others to get what I wanted. For example, I’d cry when my wishes weren’t met, and my partners would eventually give in. Or, I’d act helpless with directions when someone else was around, even though I could manage on my own if I had to. It’s easier to let someone else be the hero when you play the helpless victim.

These Karpman and Berne games are part of life. When they’re safe and mutually enjoyable, that’s normal. But when it’s the only way to relate, that’s when problems start.

The Price of the Victim Mentality

Victims can be very passive-aggressive. The victim role is actually a very controlling one, and as with all power, there’s a price to pay. Victims pay with constant anxiety, often expressed as a need for total control. Why? Because if you don’t take responsibility for yourself—your life, safety, money, and clear communication—then you end up feeling responsible for everyone and everything else.

In other words, if you expect others to be responsible for your feelings, health, and well-being, you’ll also feel responsible for theirs. For example, a mother whose son succeeds feels it’s because she was a good mom. If he chooses his own path, she feels like a failure. A wife whose husband behaves well thinks it’s because she’s a good wife. These “deals” can be made with anyone or anything—even with ideas about karma or astrology. The problem is, the world doesn’t care about our imagined deals; it operates by its own rules.

As a result, victims often don’t live their own lives, spending all their energy trying to get a return on their emotional investments. Sometimes, they invest even more, hoping to finally get what they want, but end up sinking deeper into the quicksand.

How to Break the Cycle

1. Notice the Pattern: Observe how you move from victim to persecutor to rescuer and back again.
2. Recognize Your Boundaries: Codependency is always linked to unclear boundaries, which often feel too wide, including other people’s feelings and actions. Boundaries are connected to anger. Notice when you suppress your anger and when you explode. The key is to recognize your anger early. Noticing your feelings doesn’t mean acting on them—it means asking yourself, “What is this feeling telling me?”
3. Focus on Yourself: The victim role always involves two extremes—feeling powerful and influential, then powerless and dependent, as if you’re handcuffed to someone or something. This happens because it’s easier to focus on others than to realistically assess and develop your own resources. In relationships, this shows up as searching for reasons why your partner acts a certain way, instead of focusing on your own life, interests, and resources. Try to invest more in yourself and your growth. Experiment, gain new experiences—even if it’s disappointing at times, it grounds you in reality, where you can build a solid foundation.

Over time, you can develop your own resources so that your happiness and inner harmony depend mostly on you. Then you’ll have a choice: rely on yourself or trust someone else. Lack of choice makes life harder, but to have real freedom, sometimes you have to do a lot of inner work. That’s just how it is.