Nonverbal Communication: The Hidden Language

Hello everyone, this is Stalilingus! How are you doing, manipulators? Previously, I wrote about nonverbal communication and meta-messages, and now I want to share more material on nonverbal cues.

…Suddenly, another voice sounded, quiet and melodic. It had an indescribable charm. Those who heard this voice rarely remembered the actual words, and if they did, they were surprised, because the words themselves had no power. But the voice brought pleasure. Everything it said seemed wise, and everyone wanted to agree with it. Any other voice seemed hoarse in comparison, any other speech seemed foolish; and if someone dared to object, anger would flare up in the hearts of the enchanted listeners. The mere sound of this voice was enough to become its slave, and this spell lived on in the listeners even when they were far away. The voice kept whispering, commanding, and they obeyed. No one could listen to it without excitement, no one could resist its charms. Only the strongest will and focused mind could withstand it.

J.R.R. Tolkien, “The Lord of the Rings”

The Role of Nonverbal Communication

American psychologists have calculated that verbal, spoken information in communication makes up about 1/6, while body language, intonation, breathing, and rhythm—nonverbal information—make up 5/6.

This is the part of communication we are usually unaware of, but it is the most important in any interaction. Since childhood, we’ve been taught a lot about what to say, but very little about how to say it. Words give us content, but nonverbal cues define the relationship.

Content + Relationship = Meaning.

In communication, defining the relationship is usually much more important than delivering the message itself. Simply changing your intonation can completely alter the overall meaning of what you say, sometimes even to the opposite.

• “Ms. Mary, Vovochka called me stupid.”
• “Vovochka, stand up, say three times that Masha is not stupid, and apologize.”
• “Masha is not stupid. Masha is not stupid! Masha is not stupid?!! Sorr-ry…”

The illusion of the importance of words comes from the fact that words are easier to analyze and record, while perceiving nonverbal information is much more subjective. Our minds prefer to work with precise categories. Our culture also teaches us to pay more attention to content, even though people react more to nonverbal cues. They just don’t realize it. But awareness brings control.

Awareness brings control.

We can hardly control what we are not aware of. Of course, awareness alone is not enough for control, but it is at least the first step. So, simply realizing that nonverbal communication exists and is hugely important is the very first and most crucial step toward improving your communication.

The Origins and Importance of Nonverbal Communication

While the history of spoken language is, at best, several tens of thousands of years old, nonverbal communication appeared with the first herd animals (if not earlier). They needed a way to communicate, to determine who was dominant, and how to relate to each other. If you think birds sing in the morning and cats at night just to harmonize the environment, you’re deeply mistaken. They are communicating. One is telling the other how it feels about them.

In Russia, for example, swearing is often used to clarify relationships. In this context, the actual content doesn’t matter, but the attitude is clearly conveyed.

• “You, ************!!!!!”
• “And you, ********************!!!!!!!!!!!!”

If you think any meaningful information is being conveyed here, it’s not. What’s being defined is the relationship, the state is being changed, an emotion is being triggered—the content is irrelevant. The same goes for another instinctive act—a conversation between two lovers. The words may be more refined, but they play almost no role. You could replace them with any other words, and the result would be the same.

Humans are, for the most part, animals. The human genome is 98% identical to that of a chimpanzee. Nonverbal interaction has existed for millions of years, and language is a baby in comparison. Yes, with language we can convey precise things (like “tomorrow it will snow and the temperature will be around freezing”). But people are more often concerned with relationships: like/dislike, good/bad, trust/distrust, love/hate. And this is primarily the realm of nonverbal communication. Specific words can be interpreted in any way. The simple word “Yes” can mean:

• Yes, of course.
• I’ll think about it.
• Yes! Yes! Yes!
• How could you think that about me!
• No way.
• Probably not, but you might convince me.

Types of Nonverbal Communication

Generally, all nonverbal communication can be divided into two main parts: what we convey with our body (Body Language) and with our Voice.

• Body Language includes: hand movements, leg shaking, posture, smiling, frowning, rapid breathing, blushing, etc.
• Voice includes everything you can convey with it: shouting, whispering, different interjections (oh, uh), hissing, raised tone, and so on.

Keep in mind that the Voice (the ability to make sounds) evolved as a means of communication and is designed for this purpose. That’s why it’s so effective for conveying emotions, attitudes, and states. It also helps structure speech: we can tell if a sentence is declarative, interrogative, or exclamatory only by intonation.

In writing, we use different punctuation marks at the end: exclamation point, question mark, period. Without stress, it’s often impossible to understand the meaning of a word. For example, “zámok” (castle) or “zamók” (lock)?

For a general idea of how information is distributed in communication, it’s useful to use the following ratio:

• Body Language – 1/2
• Voice – 1/3
• Content – 1/6

But if we say Body Language is half and Voice is a third, these are only rough guidelines. For example, during a phone conversation, Body Language is almost absent, and most information is conveyed through Voice.

The Impact of Nonverbal Communication

When it comes to influence—that is, affecting other people—the ratio is a bit different. The following diagram shows the analysis of influence during a presentation to a group:

• 55% – Body Language (posture, movement, facial expressions)
• About 38% – Voice (tone, intonation, rhythm, timbre)
• About 7% – Actual words, content

So, if you’re trying to motivate people (that is, get them to do something they don’t really want to do), words alone are not very convincing. What matters much more is how you say those words and how you express your attitude. Remember, we regularly have to motivate others:

• Olya, did you finish all your homework?
• Peter Petrovich, the report needs to be done by Wednesday.
• Honey, go to the store.
• Dear, you’re so indecisive.
• Anna, we’re running late!
• Madam, that’s a truly stunning lipstick.
• Buy irons only from our company!
• Vote for…!!!
• “You’re leaving now.”
  “No.”
  “That’s not a question, that’s a warning.”

Nonverbal Communication While Listening

One important difference between nonverbal and verbal communication is that information is transmitted even when the other person is just listening. People say, “he’s a good listener.” Most likely, this is someone who nonverbally supports the speaker while they talk: nodding, smiling, sighing, shaking their head, making encouraging noises. And they don’t even have to be listening to what’s being said—they might just be pretending. But then people say, “he’s a good conversationalist.”

If you want to be seen as a “good conversationalist,” learn to listen—that is, to nonverbally support the speaker. You don’t even have to say anything yourself.

You can try a simple experiment: when people are arguing nearby, during one person’s speech, nod as if you agree, smile, and look pleased. When the other person speaks, frown, shake your head, and look outraged. Most likely, the person you support will start “winning” the argument and may even turn to you for confirmation.

There’s an old student trick: if you want the lecturer to remember you, sit closer, look at them attentively, and nod in time with their words. After a while, they’ll start speaking mostly to you. The same goes for your boss—try nodding in agreement (even subtly) during their speech, and soon the conversation will be directed your way. Don’t be surprised if, with regular support, you suddenly find out you’re considered a great employee, worthy of a promotion.

Of course, that’s only if someone else isn’t nodding better than you—then they’ll get the promotion instead 🙂

Conclusion

These are just a few examples of how you can use nonverbal communication and the opportunities it offers with minimal “effort.” But this is only a tiny part of its potential. Someone who is skilled at nonverbal communication (both “listening” and “speaking”) is a good conversationalist, the best guest, and the top candidate for promotion. In our society, your social (and other) status is primarily determined by your relationships with others—and by now, I think you know how those relationships are established.