The Myth of Emotional (In)dependence: Achieving Autonomy in a Socially Oriented World

Humans are social beings: we are connected to others, dependent on them, and have needs. Yet, in our time, there is a prevailing opposite trend—the cult of personal and emotional independence. What does this independence consist of, and what does it give us? What limitations does it impose? Is it possible to be independent in a socially oriented world? And, most importantly, are we always ready for it?

When it comes to emotional (in)dependence, I usually encounter two radically opposing views: that it’s impossible to be independent from others and that we will always have to do things we don’t want to, or that we must be completely independent so we never have to do what we don’t want. Do you notice the common thread? Both sides approach the topic of emotional (in)dependence through the lens of “doing what we (don’t) want” on the level of actions.

However, as usual, the truth lies somewhere in the middle: it’s impossible to completely reject society and still realize yourself as a person. For the most part, we are cooperative, herd-like, social creatures who have chosen a path of development based on this very sociality. Therefore, a person completely separated from society cannot give anything to it, nor take anything from it. If someone never forms a single emotional connection in their life (which is technically impossible), they lose out, as they will never realize their full psychological potential.

So yes, by definition, we are emotionally dependent on society, as we are its direct product, and there’s no escaping that (nor is there a need to). The real question is about growth within society. Yes, you are as necessary to society as it is to you, but the balance between mutual obligation (dependence) and alienation (complete independence) lies in the awareness that first society shapes the individual, and then the individual shapes society. More precisely, each side constantly shapes the other, and this process is ongoing.

Steps Toward Healthy Emotional Independence

The first step toward healthy emotional independence from those close to you (not just “relatives”) is to ask yourself: “What can I already give up and still remain mentally, financially, sexually (insert your own), stable?” What can you provide for yourself? To answer this, you need to understand what and how much you take from society. What do you take by legal right, what out of necessity (including emotional), and what are you taking that you shouldn’t?

“Shouldn’t” is another component of emotional maturity. “You shouldn’t burden someone else with your problems if they don’t have the resources for it and you haven’t discussed it,” “you shouldn’t extract love/friendship/other types of relationships from people who aren’t ready or willing to be in them,” “you shouldn’t ignore someone or punish them with silence,” and so on. Why? Because in each of these cases, one person is committing emotional violence against another—taking by force what they cannot (or no longer want to) provide for themselves.

There is no concept of a “psychological crime” in society, but it certainly exists invisibly and has a significant impact. Others may call it “morality,” but we can narrow it down to a more precise and universally understood message: in destructive relationships, psychological suffering inevitably undermines other areas of life—physiological, economic, domestic, and sexual.

If you overload someone else with your problems without their readiness, that person risks falling into depression or having a nervous breakdown. The same goes for forcing relationships or ignoring someone. Frustration—when reality doesn’t match expectations—can only be constructive when a person is consciously prepared for it. For example, someone decides to become financially independent from a loved one and fully realizes that this will mean experiencing the frustration of separation: possible temporary lowering of living standards, changes in daily life, and shifts in emotional circumstances. All these changes have consequences.

In every aspect of interacting with others, we receive something. Even two strangers sitting silently next to each other get something from that silence. Are you aware of what you would actually lose if you tried to separate? Are you aware of your readiness for separation? Do you recognize the necessity of it for you personally, and not just because you read about it here?

Giving Back to Society

The second step toward emotional independence from those close to you is to ask: “What can I give to society?” What can you share with others, not out of social obligation (and this article is a clear example of a cultural expectation), but from an inner abundance? True emotional abundance will eventually push a person to share it with someone. If there’s no one around, they may choose animals, but with a high degree of probability, a psychologically healthy person will seek out people—equals who can fully accept and appreciate their gift.

Again, this idea shouldn’t be taken to extremes. When you focus on giving everything to another person, you fall into the same dependence, as an insatiable need to give develops. Eventually, it turns into a forceful process: “Here, take more of my care, take it, what do you mean you don’t want it, I’m caring for you, you’re ungrateful.” Excessive social altruism can drain all your resources or multiply one at the expense of another.

Conclusion: The Essence of Emotional Freedom

To sum up: emotional independence is a comprehensive awareness of your true needs and the ability to meet them in a non-violent way for yourself and those around you. In essence, this concept is closely related to psychological health. Emotional independence—or, as is more accurate based on what’s been said, “emotional freedom”—is a vital component of psychological health and mental resilience.

If you master this balance, you’ll always be able to provide yourself with resources in “lean times” when support isn’t available, and you’ll also be able to let go of the unnecessary, knowing that you are “full.” You’ll be able to share without feeling it’s a social necessity or a compulsion, without ignoring the reality that your resource may not be needed or that you might be depriving yourself. You’ll simply share to help, by mutual agreement. This is the pinnacle of emotional freedom.