The Many Faces of Cowardice

Cowardice wears many masks, making it hard for us to recognize it—even in ourselves. Each of us, at least once in our lives, has acted as a psychological coward. Admitting this and understanding what we’re truly afraid of can be difficult. Let’s take a closer look at these masks and face our fears head-on.

Principled Stance

Being principled is often seen as a positive trait. A principled person appears strong-willed and unwavering in their beliefs. But sometimes, this is just an inability to adapt, change, or improve life for oneself and loved ones. Such a person may strictly follow rules, even when no one is watching or when those rules are outdated, simply because they’re afraid to break them or try something new. Underneath this mask, you’ll often find fear, insecurity, and indecisiveness. If you recognize this in yourself, try pushing your boundaries—do something you’ve always judged, like taking a longer lunch break or leaving work early.

Generosity

Do you consider yourself generous? Have you ever left your change as a tip at a café or in a taxi, or brought a box of chocolates to your doctor? Of these, only the last one really makes sense—after all, your doctor cares for your health, and if you have a long-term relationship, it’s nice to show appreciation. But you don’t know the taxi driver or waiter and likely won’t see them again. Some justify these actions by saying they respect others’ work, but you don’t leave change at the grocery store, even though those workers also work hard. This kind of “generosity” often hides cowardice—you’re uncomfortable asking for your change back, worried the driver or waiter will think poorly of you. Don’t be afraid to ask for your change, wait for it, or haggle at the market—it’s completely normal.

Hospitality can also have a downside. Welcoming and loving guests is wonderful, but sometimes, out of fear of judgment, hosts go overboard, serving every possible dish and overloading the table. But why so much food? What are you afraid of—disapproval from your guests? Remember, they came to see you, not just to eat. If someone is dissatisfied, it’s likely just those who came for the food, and if they don’t return, it’s not a big loss.

Gallantry

Sometimes, good manners and gallantry prevent people from taking care of their own health. For example, a gallant man won’t refuse to carry heavy bags for a woman, even if his back hurts. He’ll pretend everything is fine, afraid of seeming rude or weak. This fear can lead to serious health problems.

Let’s also consider kindness. We should all strive to be genuinely kind and responsive, but sometimes, kindness is just a mask for fear. For example, a woman may think she’s kind because she always fulfills her husband’s requests, cooking elaborate meals and baking his favorite pies, but she ends up exhausted. Meanwhile, her husband gains weight from all the food. Is this really kindness? Not at all—it’s fear of conflict and change. Eating right would require changing routines and habits, and convincing her husband it’s necessary.

Caring

Many women take on too many responsibilities, leading to migraines, fatigue, and illness. Why? They handle all the household chores—cleaning, laundry, cooking, shopping—because they’re afraid someone will think they’re a bad homemaker. They’re uncomfortable asking their husband or children for help, thinking everyone is too busy or won’t do it right. This all-encompassing care is really a fear of judgment.

Modesty and Shyness

Modesty and shyness can hide many emotions. When someone avoids discussions, attention, or expressing their opinion—even when they know the right answer—they’re often called modest. They may even describe themselves this way. In reality, this shyness hides a fear of being misunderstood, judged, or ridiculed. Subconsciously, such a person may think they’re better than others and that people will ruin things because they’re not as smart. To overcome this fear, realize that no one is special—everyone is equal. Letting go of this sense of uniqueness will help shyness fade away.

Solidarity

Many actions are taken out of solidarity, but they don’t always benefit us. Some enroll in college because their friends do, others get married, join protests, or follow fashion trends out of solidarity. This leads to conformity—no one thinks for themselves or expresses their own opinions. Solidarity is driven by the fear of being left out or falling behind the crowd. But you can’t find happiness in a herd; you can only satisfy basic needs. Have the courage to voice your opinion, figure out what you truly like or dislike, and decide how you want to live.

Courage

Even courage can mask the fear of judgment. Sometimes, people are ready to fight and defend their honor, not out of bravery, but because they’re afraid others will discover their cowardice.

Suffering

Suffering is a universal emotion that arises from various factors—hunger, anxiety, shattered hopes, betrayal. We’ve all experienced suffering, but our response to it is individual, shaped by personal experience and perception. Some make a tragedy out of a minor issue, while others handle great sorrow with dignity. Suffering often shows on a person’s face—furrowed brows, a heavy gaze. Frequent suffering can even leave permanent lines and wrinkles. Crying helps release heavy emotions, but many people were scolded for crying as children and now struggle to do so. A psychotherapist can help restore this ability.

Suffering isn’t just negative—it’s a signal that something is wrong and needs to change. To support someone who is suffering, first understand the cause. If it’s the loss of a loved one or a serious illness, don’t offer advice or say “it will pass”—just be there and admire their strength. People need time to cope, and often, they’re already doing their best. Instead of giving advice, offer support and acknowledge their courage.

Our attitude toward suffering is shaped in childhood. If parents scold or shame a child for crying, the child will grow up ashamed of their tears. To help a child learn to cope with suffering, parents should support the expression of negative emotions and help find and resolve the source of distress. If parents only comfort the child without addressing the cause, the child will always seek comfort instead of solving problems. If parents first encourage crying but later scold the child as they grow, the child may develop slowly and struggle with social interactions.

Remember, to overcome suffering, it must have meaning and a goal. As Viktor Frankl said, finding a positive side in loss can greatly ease suffering.

Anger

Anger often follows suffering or long-term depression. It can also arise when needs aren’t met, whether due to physical, legal, or psychological barriers. If obstacles are easy to overcome, anger doesn’t arise. But if the obstacle is insurmountable and the desire remains strong, anger grows. Constantly suppressing even mild anger is harmful to the body. While anger was important in evolution, today it often leads to feelings of betrayal, injustice, and resentment. Suppressed anger can turn into disgust toward its object. Remember, those who yell and express anger are better off than those who bottle it up. Try to identify and analyze the cause of your anger—don’t let it fester, as it destroys you from within.