The Dark Side of Good Deeds
We were all taught as children that being kind is good and being mean is bad. We grew up eager to do good deeds. But is our help always needed or wanted by those we try to help?
The Land of Advice
The easiest form of unnecessary kindness is giving advice. It’s tolerable when found in women’s magazines between the fashion and horoscope sections—after all, no one checks if you actually follow the advice. In my experience, advice-givers are mostly women. Start a conversation with any of us, and within five minutes, you’ll get a step-by-step explanation of what you should do. Even if she knows nothing about the topic, she’ll say, “My husband had a similar situation… and here’s what he did…”
Why Does This Happen?
Advice is a “cheap” way to do good. It doesn’t require time, money, or even emotional investment. Plus, advice-givers feel more experienced and intelligent.
Recommendation
Advice, even with the best intentions, can be irritating. Try to hold back and say only half of what you want to. Avoid a lecturing or patronizing tone. Focus on sharing information rather than giving direct advice.
Unwanted Help
Advice can be ignored, but things get complicated when someone tries to do you a favor you didn’t ask for. For example, a well-meaning daughter-in-law decides to make her mother-in-law’s apartment “more comfortable and modern” on her own, resulting in the mother-in-law having a hypertensive episode because she couldn’t adjust to the changes.
Have you ever done something for someone without being asked? We’ve all been in situations where we expected gratitude but got, “Did you even ask us?” or “Thanks, but no thanks,” or an annoyed, “There you go again with your help!” The well-intentioned helper is left wondering why their gesture wasn’t appreciated.
Why Does This Happen?
You may have wanted to help from the heart, or maybe you wanted to point out someone’s shortcomings. Either way, you invaded their personal space, where they want to make their own decisions and take responsibility for them.
Recommendation
When doing something for someone—especially without asking first—be prepared for your help to be unwelcome. It’s better to simply inform: “I can do this or that and am ready to help if you want. Think about it and let me know.”
Overprotection: When Care Becomes a Trap
Another unpleasant form of kindness is overprotection. Examples abound: a mom packs her third-grader’s backpack, spares her adult daughter from chores (“she’s tired!”), or closely monitors a loved one’s contacts (“just in case”). Overprotection can even happen at work, when a boss is so afraid employees can’t handle things that they do almost everything themselves. This is especially harmful to children—they don’t learn to make decisions or take responsibility. A “mama’s boy” can get into any mess—mom will always rescue and comfort him. But the crucial skill of avoiding trouble in the first place never develops.
Why Does This Happen?
The overprotective person always takes on the Parent role, while the other is cast as the Child. This helps the Parent deal with their own fears, mainly fear of loneliness or being unneeded. The Parent takes over areas of responsibility, tying the Child to them and creating a strong dependency. The Parent might even say, “He can’t do anything without me!” but doesn’t actually want to solve the problem. In fact, their behavior shows the overprotection will continue. This is harmful for the Child, regardless of age or status. It’s easiest for employees to break free—they can just quit. In families, it often leads to divorce or a permanent break with parents.
Recommendation
Watch for signs of overprotection in yourself and avoid them, respecting others’ independence—even if it’s a three-year-old. If you’re being cast as the Child, set boundaries early. Overprotection may feel nice at first, but it’s like quicksand—it leads to laziness, incompetence, and irresponsibility.
“You Can’t Even Imagine”
Remember the famous movie where Roman’s mother “saved” him from the “bad” Katya and her family? Her intentions were “pure”: to save her family and protect her son from what she saw as unworthy company. But her methods—lies, pressure on her son and husband—were terrible. In the movie, things end well, but in the original book, Roman dies. It’s a powerful example of someone who “knows best” and acts accordingly, shutting down any attempt by loved ones to say that her “best” is actually the worst for them.
Not telling your husband his friend called because you don’t like the friend; buying theater tickets for the night your wife has a class reunion; planning a family trip knowing your teenage son wants to spend New Year’s with friends and his girlfriend (whom you dislike)… Older women are a special case. How many families could have been saved if mothers kept their opinions to themselves (“he/she isn’t right for you… well, divorce is easy these days…”)? Such conversations, if repeated, can wear down even the strongest. But mothers persist: “It’s okay, you’ll get over it. You’ll find someone better.” Good intentions.
Another common refrain: “I did everything for you, gave you my best years, and you…” Men do this too: “I bought you this, took you to restaurants, on vacations…” Or, “We raised you, lost sleep over you…” The person hearing this wants to ask: “Did I ask for this, or did you do it on your own?” Why do they present the bill later? Again, people act based on their own idea of what’s good for someone else, violating their boundaries and interests. No wonder every adult can say, “I’m grateful to my parents for this and that, but I wish they hadn’t done this or that.”
Why Does This Happen?
This controlling attitude is an attempt to establish control over another’s life, ultimately binding them with guilt (“How could you, after all I’ve done for you!”). It helps the do-gooder cope with their fears, as if they have a guarantee—they’ll stay close if you do enough for them. Outwardly, it looks like lots of good deeds and care. Inwardly, the motives are deeply selfish. It all comes out at a critical moment, when the other person says, “Thanks, but from now on I want to make my own decisions.” That’s when the do-gooder’s method fails. Then, to maintain the relationship, they may resort to lies, manipulation, and intrigue.
Recommendation
Don’t use manipulative tactics. When the truth comes out, relationships are always damaged, and saying “it was for the best” doesn’t help. Be open, even with small children.
In Conclusion
Before rushing to help, try to understand your own motives. They’re usually not as altruistic as we think. Often, we expect praise, a favor in return, or want to see ourselves as wise and generous, earning the right to say, “I’m a good friend,” or “I’m a wonderful mother.” Accept calmly if your help is refused or criticized. It’s worse if someone accepts your help out of politeness and later regrets it. That can truly harm the relationship, creating unnecessary tension. Who would believe it all started with a well-meaning gesture?
Expert Opinion
Daniil Khlomov, psychologist, PhD in Psychology, President of the Society of Practicing Gestalt Psychologists, Director of the Moscow Gestalt Institute:
Don’t Rush to Do Good
This is an important topic about so-called good behavior that ends up ruining relationships, causing trouble, and, if taken too far, even breaking lives. As a practicing psychologist and psychotherapist, I often see the consequences of “doing good.” I recall a story about a motorcyclist who, on a cold day, put on his jacket backwards to stay warmer. When he crashed, well-meaning bystanders “straightened” his head and killed him. In Gestalt therapy, there’s no such thing as abstract good: everyone has their own idea of good, and you have to figure it out for yourself—not rely on advice from others, even if they’re respected or loved. It’s not easy, but we all have to keep working to distinguish good from harm—even in religion, it’s hard to tell revelation from temptation. So don’t rush to do good; first, think carefully: am I crossing someone’s personal boundaries, even if it’s a very small person?