The Magic of Manipulation

The very first things a baby learns are to see, move, and manipulate their parents. The ability to influence others is something we absorb with our mother’s milk. If you cry loudly, you get fed; if you coo sweetly, you get kissed. As we grow, our strategies evolve.

Manipulation is natural. It’s a survival method among our own kind.

But some people become masters of manipulation. For them, it’s as natural as breathing. Manipulation stops being just a tool and becomes their only way of communicating. This unhealthy behavior hurts everyone involved.

This article is for anyone who wants to break the vicious cycle of “manipulator–victim” and build healthier, more harmonious, and effective relationships with others.

Office Magic

Manipulation is an illusion. You’re the clumsy volunteer called up on stage under the bright lights. If the magician says you have a dove up your sleeve, then so it is. The illusionist is your opponent—always right, always the hero. Whatever you do, it was all part of their plan.

Take Alina, a manager who’s been asking her coworker Masha to cover her weekend shifts for two months. Every time Masha wants to say no, Alina tells her about her tough life, recent breakup, and sick cat.

• If Masha refuses bluntly, the next day everyone will judge her for being “heartless.”
• If she covers the shift again, she’ll be seen as a pushover.

Manipulation, like any magic trick, only works if the audience is distracted. That’s why it’s so hard to realize you’re being manipulated.

There’s nothing wrong with helping a coworker. But you need to know when to stop before you’re taken advantage of.

In his famous book “Games People Play,” American psychiatrist Eric Berne described three types of manipulators: the Victim, the Rescuer, and the Aggressor. His student, Stephen Karpman, combined these roles into the Drama Triangle. Research shows that anyone who falls for manipulation becomes one of the players in this closed cycle.

• The Victim suffers, the Rescuer tries to help. The Victim needs more and more help and becomes the Aggressor. The Rescuer then turns into the Victim. If left unchecked, everyone in the triangle becomes a manipulator.

This leads to Stockholm syndrome—a state where hostages start sympathizing with their captors. The person suffering from manipulation can no longer live without it.

Sleight of Hand

Catching a manipulator “red-handed” is pointless. Manipulation is based on a fleeting illusion and leaves no evidence or witnesses. You can’t prove the magician was bluffing, even if you catch them in the act. The only way to break the spell is to figure out how the trick works.

All manipulation feeds on three principles:

• pseudo-logical connections,
• low self-esteem,
• lack of evidence.

Faulty logic has been popular since Ancient Greece. Sophists—paid teachers of rhetoric—became famous for their convoluted arguments, where the premises didn’t always match the conclusions.

For example: A thief only takes good things. Striving for good is good. Therefore, stealing is good.

We’re used to conclusions following evidence, and specific examples forming general rules. That’s why it’s easy to miss logical gaps in complex arguments.

Manipulators take advantage of this. Our attention drifts, and we don’t notice which sleeve the card came from.

Consider Pasha, who works in advertising, and Misha, who works in client relations. Pasha is tasked with making a sales presentation for a new product. He calls Misha and says Misha must send him sales data and customer charts by age, gender, and location—without this, he can’t create the presentation.

Since the presentation is due tomorrow, Misha has to drop everything and do the research. Misha helps Pasha, not realizing the cause and effect don’t actually connect. Just because the presentation needs data doesn’t mean Misha has to make the charts—Pasha could do it himself with the data provided.

We often fill in missing logical links ourselves and feel guilty if we can’t do someone else’s work. There’s always something to blame ourselves for, and manipulators use this.

Projection is when someone shifts their own flaws onto others. Manipulators blame us for everything, and we’re ready to agree because we’re hard on ourselves.

The more you look inward, the less you notice outside control.

• Pathological liars often accuse their victims of lying.
• The loudest complainers about lateness are usually the least punctual.
• Poor workers blame “ineffective management.”
• Workplace problems are blamed on “awful” colleagues, not personal incompetence.

It’s hard to shake the confidence of someone with high self-esteem. So manipulators try to make you doubt yourself.

Before attacking, manipulators often use “love bombing”—they praise and idealize you until you take it for granted, then start pointing out only your mistakes. Not understanding what changed, you start digging into yourself and fall into their trap.

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse that makes the victim doubt their own reality. The term comes from the 1944 American film “Gaslight,” where the heroine is driven insane by the subtle flickering of gas lamps.

“You imagined it,” the manipulator says. People do make mistakes and perceive reality subjectively. Maybe you really did just imagine your colleague was playing against you. There’s no way to check if you’re right or wrong.

Manipulation usually happens through words. Only your opponent knows the truth, and they claim to be blameless.

Such people constantly test boundaries: they see how far they can go. The more they get away with, the bolder they become.

If the victim manages to break free, the manipulator uses the “vacuum cleaner” technique—suddenly acting friendly, giving small gifts, and doing anything to pull the victim back into their web of influence.

The Other Side of the Trick

The manipulator’s goal is to get you to make a decision that benefits them. Like Woland teaching Margarita never to ask for anything, the manipulator wants to get what they want without giving a direct order.

German psychologist Frederick Perls believed manipulators act unconsciously: not trusting people, they try to control them. Sociologist Erich Fromm called this the need for “proven love”—when loyalty must be constantly demonstrated.

This doesn’t mean the manipulator is always in charge. Raising the white flag can force an opponent ready for war to accept peace.

If you notice someone is pushing you toward a decision, politely ask them directly about it. If they insist you’re imagining things, you now have a reason not to follow their lead.

You can counter manipulation with your own subtle tactics. If the manipulator wants something, pretend not to understand—they’ll have to take more direct action, revealing their intentions. Agree without specifics, repeat polite refusals, or “mirror” their actions. Just be careful not to become a “monster” yourself.

Being a manipulator is bad—not because society disapproves, but because manipulators lose touch with reality and don’t know any other way to get what they want. Manipulation requires deception, lies, and a one-person show. Escaping this trap is very difficult.

According to American psychologist Abraham Maslow, the opposite of a manipulator is a self-actualizer—a free, open, and healthy person who achieves their goals honestly and doesn’t make others dependent on them.

Manipulators have good reason not to trust people. People intuitively don’t want to help a manipulator voluntarily. The flaws manipulators exploit—low self-esteem, insecurity—apply to themselves as well. A manipulator lives in a constant state of war with the world. Being a manipulator is bad because it’s not worth it—the effort to control others far outweighs the benefits.

Top Hat, Rabbit, and Magic Wand

The art of manipulation, like the art of illusion, takes years to master. Manipulation comes in all sizes—from swaying public opinion to controlling suitors in the sandbox. There are many tricks, but only one real defense: whatever tricks are played, be confident in your own position.

• Social proof method: They try to convince you the right answer is what the majority thinks. Step back, weigh the pros and cons, and take responsibility for your decision.
• Personal attacks: The opponent questions your expertise because of your appearance, status, or personality. Don’t react to jabs—politely steer the conversation back to professional matters.
• Reciprocity rule: They do you a small favor you didn’t ask for, making you feel indebted. Accept the gift, but remember you’re also helping them feel like a rescuer. That means you’re even.
• Benjamin Franklin effect: They ask for a small favor and thank you excessively, so you feel generous and treat them kindly. Help without expecting anything in return. Patronizing others is a form of destructive pride.
• Emotional explosion: They throw you off balance emotionally, then force you to make decisions. Take your time and only respond when you can properly assess the risks and consequences.