What Is the “Spotlight Effect” and Why Do We Think Everyone Remembers Our Mistakes?

Sometimes things don’t go as planned, and events spiral out of our control: you might trip awkwardly in front of everyone, spill coffee on the table during an important meeting, or answer a seemingly simple question incorrectly. And let’s not even mention those days when we don’t look our best and end up running into every acquaintance, colleague, and client. If you feel like everyone noticed your blunders and failures and rushed to tell their friends about it, you’ve likely fallen under the influence of the “spotlight effect.”

What Is the Spotlight Effect?

The “spotlight effect” is a cognitive bias first described in 2000 by Cornell University professor Thomas Gilovich, who has been studying cognitive distortions related to social evaluation since the 1980s.

The spotlight effect is when a person believes that others are paying much more attention to them than they actually are, as if they’re standing on stage under bright lights and must always look their best because the “audience” misses nothing. Someone affected by this bias thinks that even the smallest changes—like a new haircut, colorful socks, or spinach stuck in their teeth—will be noticed by everyone. They may even believe these things will be remembered and discussed for days, or even a lifetime.

The spotlight effect isn’t limited to appearance; it also applies to behavior and communication. For example, after a bad date, someone might think not only their date but everyone within a hundred yards will remember them as a failed romantic prospect forever. Of course, this is an exaggeration.

In his research, Thomas Gilovich used data to show that people subject to the spotlight effect overestimate how much others notice them. In the late 1990s, he conducted an experiment with students: they were asked to attend a lecture wearing T-shirts featuring pop singer Barry Manilow, who wasn’t particularly popular among young people, making the shirts intentionally “uncool.” The students were asked to estimate how many classmates would notice the print on their shirts, and their guesses were compared to the actual numbers.

As an alternative, some students wore shirts with Martin Luther King Jr. or Bob Marley and filled out the same survey. The results showed that the first group, who felt uncomfortable in “uncool” shirts, overestimated how much attention they received by 23%. The group in “cool” shirts also overestimated their classmates’ curiosity, but by an average of 40%. In both cases, the real interest was much lower.

Today, nearly 30 years after the T-shirt experiment, our perception of our own failures can also be influenced by social media and messaging apps, where anyone can become the subject of discussion. All it takes is riding the subway in an extravagant outfit or posting something careless online. But in most cases, the perception of a “fail” as something epic and fatal exists only in your head—others will likely forget about it quickly.

There’s no magic pill for easy social interactions yet, but our “Social Intelligence” course can help you get rid of awkward pauses.

Other Cognitive Biases That Affect How We See Our Mistakes

Our perception of our own failures is also influenced by other cognitive distortions. Consulting psychologist Maria Galushkina shares a few more examples:

“Mind Reading”

This bias makes you think you know what others are thinking. Chances are, you don’t have telepathic abilities, and people haven’t shown you their “Arcady’s Fails of 2021” list. So, you don’t have enough evidence to confidently guess what’s in someone else’s head. Even if someone looks at you strangely—maybe they just thought you heard their stomach growl?

Catastrophizing

“I just know they remember that one moment in my speech when I misspoke! Now I’ll never be invited to speak again, and I’ll die forgotten.”

Out of all possible interpretations of the past or future, your brain picks the worst-case scenario—so bad you think you won’t survive it. For example, after a presentation about your company’s development, you believe all the executives only remember that you mispronounced a word. Clearly, your career is now over.

Negative Filtering and Discounting the Positive

These two biases are closely linked and often reinforced by culture. The pattern here is to ignore positive events and highlight the negative. For example: “How could you get a D? I don’t care about the others—you should have done better! Now I’ll be embarrassed at the parent-teacher meeting.” To spot these biases, try a simple mental experiment: take any object, action, or event and come up with critical remarks about it. Now, think of something positive to say about the same thing. Which was easier? And back to point one: if you can think of so many bad things about others, surely they can do the same about you.

Personalization

“It’s all my fault, let me take all the blame for this negative event.” This bias combines a bit of egocentrism, a bit of a need for control, and a bit of grandiosity. As a result, we become the main or only reason something “bad” happened. And of course, everyone will notice, remember, and you’ll have to face the consequences.

Focus on Judgments

The word “fail” is a judgment. When you say “people remember,” what you really mean is “and they judge me for it.” This, in turn, is also a judgment, which can send you into a vicious cycle of negative thoughts.

How Not to Become a Prisoner of Your Own Failures

If remembering how everyone stared at the spinach in your teeth during an important conversation makes you hate salads, here are some tips from psychologist Maria Galushkina that might help. Maria believes the best thing you can do to avoid being trapped by anxious memories is to sit down and reflect—ask yourself the right questions to understand how scary your “mistakes” really are and which cognitive biases are influencing you.

“First and foremost, you can take this issue to a qualified specialist. A more budget-friendly option you can try at home is self-reflection. Identify which cognitive biases come up when you feel like everyone noticed your mistake and remembered how you joked about your boss when he was standing behind you. See in what situations these biases are most active and what thoughts or circumstances they’re linked to. You can also weigh the pros and cons of this way of thinking for yourself. What are the consequences of these thoughts? And for the bravest, try looking for evidence that people really do remember your failures forever. Gather your courage and ask your conversation partner if they remember when you snorted bubbles out of your nose from laughing. Or maybe find the person you accidentally spilled tea on in a café three years ago? If you don’t find confirmation for your thoughts, you might realize how insignificant those worrying events become over time,” Maria advises.