Social Masochism: The Need to Suffer

Many people have a need to suffer. The question of why or for what reason is highly debatable and is partially discussed in the book “The Luxury of Systematic Self-Knowledge” and also in “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck.” For now, let’s accept as a fact that while some people don’t have this need, many do—though it may be expressed to varying degrees.

This type of person is very familiar to us: someone who is always dissatisfied with something. They may be unhappy all the time or most of the time, and their dissatisfaction isn’t necessarily tied to their income or social status. They can always find something wrong—soup is too thin, pearls are too small, the government is full of idiots, or the boss is a jerk. The specifics don’t matter; what matters is that there’s always a reason to be unhappy. Simply put, such a person has a need to feel dissatisfied or, in other words, to suffer.

Of course, a certain level of dissatisfaction is natural for everyone—it’s one of the drivers of our personal growth. But for some, this trait is much stronger, and that’s who we’re talking about here.

Inventing Reasons to Suffer

Since there aren’t that many real reasons to suffer in modern life, people often have to invent or create them. If you’ve ever met someone who is always late to work even though they know their boss hates tardiness, that’s exactly the type we’re talking about. These people somehow always end up in trouble: they get tricked, shortchanged, insulted by strangers, and generally, something bad is always happening to them. And, of course, they make sure to share these stories with friends, family, and coworkers. In every situation, they appear as victims who couldn’t possibly have done anything to change what happened.

In our society, being a social “loser” is considered perfectly acceptable, and if presented the right way, even honorable. If someone works three jobs, earns very little, and drinks occasionally, that’s seen as normal, and few people would think to tell them they need to change something in their life. After all, everything is already taken, all the good spots are filled, and the country was sold out long ago, so there’s no point in trying to change anything.

Family Life as Compensation

Family life, and especially sexual life, often serves a compensatory function. If someone experiences too much stress in their social life, they try to keep things as calm as possible at home. If they can’t advance in their career, they might become a tyrant at home. Conversely, if they’re dominant at work, they might take a submissive role at home. If everything is calm and stable in their social life, there might be constant arguments at home—as a way to compensate for what’s missing in their life.

In this context, a nagging or sexually dominant wife (or, less commonly, husband) can become the very source of suffering that such a person needs. If they start to experience the right amount and type of dissatisfaction—essentially, masochistic pleasure—they no longer need to seek it in their social life. Outwardly (and even to themselves), it may seem as if life is suddenly improving, things start going their way, and everything just falls into place. It’s hard for others and even for the person themselves to accept or believe that the real reason for these changes lies within them, and few people can explain what’s happening from the outside.

Why Few People Choose This Path

There are two main reasons why few people go down this path. First, there aren’t many partners willing or able to “nag” their spouse for a long time—it takes a lot of energy and isn’t considered fashionable behavior. Second, a masochistic role in sex is socially frowned upon, at least in our country, unlike the same role in social life, which is more accepted.

As a result, social masochism—and the social failure that comes with it—becomes the norm for many people and a familiar pattern of behavior.