Self-Concept: Living in Harmony with Yourself

The self-concept is one of the most powerful systems of beliefs, attitudes, and perceptions a person has about themselves and the world around them. It mediates external stimuli, determines how people act, and is a key reason why individuals perceive their lives as either happy or tragic. The self-concept plays an important role in a person’s life.

The Role of Self-Concept

The self-concept helps achieve internal consistency. If a person’s self-concept is contradictory or contains mutually exclusive beliefs, they experience discomfort. In such cases, their actions are aimed either at changing their self-concept or distorting reality to eliminate the discomfort. A consistent self-concept allows a person to feel confident and stay closely connected to reality.

Self-concept shapes how people interpret their life experiences. There is a strong tendency to interpret personal experiences based on one’s self-perceptions. The self-concept acts as a “prism” through which reality is refracted. For example, someone who sees themselves as “incompetent” may attribute their success to luck, while someone who sees themselves as “capable” will see it as a result of their talent. A person with a positive self-concept interprets a smile directed at them as a sign of goodwill, while someone with a negative self-concept may see it as mockery.

The self-concept is also a source of expectations. It influences a person’s predictions about what will happen to them. Based on their self-concept, a person expects either success or failure: “I’ll fail as usual” or “I’ll succeed.” It allows them to anticipate their reactions: “I’ll be scared,” “I’ll cry,” or “I’ll stay calm.” The self-concept also shapes expectations about how others will treat them: “No one will love me,” “People will laugh at me,” or “I’ll be highly valued.” These expectations often become self-fulfilling prophecies: someone who expects criticism may act insecurely (or provocatively), which actually invites criticism. Instead of passively reacting to the environment, the self-concept starts to change and reinforce it, not just predicting outcomes but provoking them.

If a person’s behavior contradicts their self-concept, it causes cognitive dissonance. Therefore, people with established self-concepts behave in ways that align with their self-perceptions. For example, a “smart” person tries to act as a smart person should; a “wealthy” person behaves according to their idea of how a wealthy person should act; an “underachiever” may skip classes or get distracted in school. In this way, the self-concept largely determines behavior.

Describing the Self

When describing themselves, people use judgments that reflect stable tendencies in their behavior. These judgments usually answer questions such as:

• Who am I? (roles, status characteristics)
• What am I like? (physical and psychological traits)
• What do I want? (motivation, values, interests)
• What can I do? (perceptions of abilities)
• What do I have? (description of ideal and material values that are important to them)

All these characteristics are part of the self-concept, each with different “weights”: some are more significant, others less so. The importance of certain judgments can change depending on context, life situations, or periods of life.

The elements of the self-concept are organized hierarchically: there are more general judgments that include more specific ones. For example, “I don’t like poetry,” “I have strong willpower,” and “I am a rational thinker” may all stem from the belief “I should never show my feelings.” According to Eric Berne, the founder of transactional analysis, some of these decisions can form the basis of a life script we adopt in early childhood.

Early Decisions and Parental Messages

Parental figures, other people, and life itself provide a child with information about who they are, who others are, and what the world is like. These messages are received as “signals” that the child periodically picks up. Children are especially sensitive to parental messages, intuitively sensing that their well-being depends on them.

Some messages are verbal, addressed directly to the child or overheard; others are actions or emotional reactions. Sometimes, due to egocentric thinking, a child may interpret an event as a message even if it wasn’t intended as one. What matters is not what the parent meant to convey, but how the child interprets the message.

Analyzing the psychological scripts of his patients, Eric Berne concluded that destructive life decisions are often made under the influence of negative parental messages. These messages, sometimes passed on due to the parents’ own issues, act like spells that “enchant” the child.

Among verbally transmitted negative messages, we can distinguish:

• Curses – negative labels: “You’re dirty! Stupid! Dumb!” “You’re a terrible child,” “You’re ugly.”
• Hexes – wishes for harm, direct commands: “I wish you’d disappear!” “We’d be better off without you,” “Why can’t you be a real person?”
• Negative prophecies – predictions about the child’s future: “You’ll never amount to anything!” “You’re headed for jail!” “You’ll never achieve anything.”
• Stoppers – messages about what not to do: “Don’t be smart! Don’t think about that! Don’t get angry! Don’t touch, you’ll mess it up; let me do it!”

Messages can also be nonverbal. Children invent, imagine, and misinterpret events, giving themselves their own “instructions.”

A young child cannot objectively evaluate themselves, so parental figures act as “mirrors” by which the child judges themselves and others. If significant others accept the child, they see themselves as worthy and their “I” becomes acceptable. If others treat them as bad or harmful, the child internalizes this and believes the “badness” is inside them. Children are too young and inexperienced to realize that these “mirrors” can be distorted. A child who is hit cannot conclude, “I’m not a bad child. Mom hit me because she’s upset and wants attention.” Instead, they think the problem is with themselves, not their mother.

In such situations, a child may not hear direct verbal instructions, but under the influence of strong impressions, they make decisions and follow them.

Messages can also be positive or neutral:

• Definitions and evaluations: “There’s something special about you… Good job! Golden hands!”
• Prophecies: “We hope you’ll get a college degree,” “One day you’ll be famous,” “You’re made to be a musician.”
• Permissions: Indicate what is allowed, but don’t force the child.

It’s important to note that messages are not “implanted” in a child like electrodes. The child can accept, ignore, or even reverse them. However, once a decision is made based on a message, it is very hard to break. This decision forms a set of core beliefs about who they are, who others are, what the world is like, and how to behave. Thus, a script decision is a deep and fundamental cognitive structure, which a person may justify with various irrational beliefs. Early decisions become a kind of filter that influences all perception.

Existential Position

People choose life script themes based on decisions made in early childhood, with the most fundamental being feelings of self-worth and well-being. Berne noted that a person’s life position is formed from their attitude toward themselves (“I’m OK” or “I’m not OK”) and toward others (“You’re OK” or “You’re not OK”). In Berne’s terminology, “OK” means “good,” “valuable,” “well,” or “at peace with oneself.” The combination of these attitudes creates four main existential positions:

• I’m OK (+); You’re OK (+)
• I’m OK (+); You’re not OK (-)
• I’m not OK (-); You’re OK (+)
• I’m not OK (-); You’re not OK (-)

When a child adopts one of these positions, they adjust their early decisions and entire life script to fit it.

All children start life from the “I’m OK, You’re OK” position. When an infant feels in harmony with the world and the world is in harmony with them, this position becomes the foundation for their decisions. A child only changes this position if something disrupts their bond with their mother, such as when the child feels the mother no longer protects or cares for them as before. In response, the child may decide that they are not OK or that others are not OK, shifting from “basic trust” to fundamental distrust. Based on this core belief about themselves and others, the child begins to write their own life script.

As adults, we don’t always stay in our chosen position; we can shift between these life positions in different situations. However, each of us has a preferred existential position, adopted in childhood, that we revert to when frustrated. Each of the four positions is characterized by a specific set of emotions:

• The “I’m OK; You’re OK” position is healthy and involves cooperating with others to solve life’s problems. In this position, we act to achieve desired results, and it is the only position based on reality.
• The “I’m OK; You’re not OK” position is defensive. Here, a person tries to elevate themselves above others, and is seen as domineering, insensitive, and aggressive. This position is marked by aggressive emotions and a desire to get rid of opponents.
• The “I’m not OK; You’re OK” position makes a person feel inferior to others. They are likely to experience unpleasant, depressive feelings and withdraw from the “good” people whose company they feel unworthy of.
• The “I’m not OK; You’re not OK” position is called barren. The person believes the whole world and everyone in it is bad, including themselves. They feel tired and depressed, and their main theme is waiting.

A person’s beliefs, which influence their emotional problems, usually have many layers. The earliest and deepest is the decision about one’s own well-being and trust—the existential position. This can act as a filter, organizing perception and evaluation of experience. To justify and confirm it, under the influence of parental messages, an early decision is made about oneself, others, and life, which can become a core belief. This belief, in turn, affects worldview, forms specific beliefs about life circumstances, and a set of attitudes.