Psychological Jugglers
If you think you can’t be manipulated, you’re making two mistakes. First, anyone can be manipulated. Second, this belief means you probably know little about manipulative techniques, can’t recognize them, and are likely being manipulated often—unless, of course, you are a “psychological magician” yourself.
Understanding Manipulation
Let’s start with definitions. Manipulation is a type of social interaction aimed at changing another person’s perception and behavior through hidden, deceptive, or coercive tactics. While manipulation can sometimes be useful—such as in psychotherapy, where both parties agree to this type of interaction—true manipulation is harmful. It involves taking a resource from you while giving little or nothing in return. This is influence, not interaction.
Manipulation can be everyday or professional, coming from friends, family, or even the social and political arena. Unfortunately, manipulative relationships among loved ones are common and often seen as “normal” in some cultures, especially in romantic and parent-child relationships. Everyone manipulates to some degree; the difference is in how much harm is done and how often these techniques are used.
Every person is naturally equipped to recognize manipulation—our minds and bodies react to it. However, not everyone knows how to interpret these signals. Let’s learn how.
Love at First Sight
If you meet someone who seems like the perfect prince or princess, be cautious: you may be dealing with a manipulator. “People can’t be perfect—only masks can,” says business coach and manipulation expert Anna Boginskaya. Behind this mask usually hides something unpleasant; otherwise, the mask wouldn’t be needed. Eventually, the mask will come off.
While we all try to make a good impression on new acquaintances, especially those we like, this is not the same as wearing a mask. We’re just highlighting our real positive qualities. Manipulators, on the other hand, are skilled at reading people and subtly gathering information to create a psychological profile. They then mirror what you want to see, even if it’s the opposite of who they really are.
“When we meet such people, our bodies react with an adrenaline rush, just like in dangerous situations,” says Boginskaya. Sweaty palms, rapid heartbeat, dilated pupils, increased blood sugar, and even headaches can occur. Our bodies sense danger on a nonverbal level—through gestures, facial expressions, and micro-reactions. Unfortunately, in our culture, these feelings are often mistaken for love at first sight. There’s a reason for the saying, “There’s a thin line between love and hate.”
Forbidden Techniques
True love, which develops slowly and is based on real positive qualities, has nothing to do with adrenaline rushes. Unhealthy passion, which often turns into psychological dependence, is what we’re really talking about. The first “symptom” of a manipulator is their apparent perfection and superficial charm. Such people use one of the most popular manipulation methods—positive reinforcement—by convincing you of your attractiveness, talent, intelligence, and beauty. This works especially well on those with low self-esteem.
Positive reinforcement is often used at the start of a relationship, but after a while, compliments decrease or stop altogether, or turn into so-called “negative compliments.” For example: “You have beautiful eyes, but that tie/skirt/dress doesn’t suit you.” The goal is to first boost the victim’s self-esteem, then gradually lower it, making them dependent on the manipulator’s opinion. The same goes for general treatment: at first, the victim is adored, then the affection fades or even turns into the opposite. For example, the manipulator may disappear without explanation for a long time, ignoring calls, then return as if nothing happened.
Another version of this manipulation is physical abuse (with the victim usually being a woman). After such violence, there is often a dramatic reconciliation with apologies and crocodile tears from the manipulator, who may still blame the victim: “You provoked me.” Such accusations are common in social stereotypes as well (“She wore a short skirt, so she was raped”).
Supposedly uncontrollable anger and subsequent blame are also manipulation tactics, as are sudden changes in affection. These techniques hook the victim psychologically, making them constantly question what they did wrong and strive to regain the “lost” trust and the wonderful partner they met at the beginning. The victim invests a lot of emotional energy into the relationship, making it hard to leave—especially due to the real physiological adrenaline addiction that forms from these emotional “swings.” Once the manipulator gets what they want (which could be anything from sex and money to emotional validation), they often move on to a new, more “resourceful” partner.
Similar tactics can be used by parents toward children and vice versa, and less often by friends or distant relatives. “The main indicators that you’re being manipulated are feelings of fear and guilt, as well as doubts about your actions and adequacy,” says Boginskaya. Manipulative romantic partners usually pressure fear and guilt; parents use shame, fear, and guilt. If you want to know the difference between a true conscience and guilt, think about your inner values. True conscience comes from an internal conflict with yourself when you act against your own beliefs. Guilt is always the result of external influence.
Lies from the Screen
Government and public institutions manipulate differently, most often through the media. There are many techniques, such as presenting false or distorted information. This crude method is often used in combination with deliberately contradictory information, so the audience draws the “desired” conclusions (“These people say nothing happened, now listen to the witnesses”). Another common method is half-truths—hiding some facts while highlighting others. Rumors, speculation, and stereotypes are also presented as analyzed and proven facts.
Another technique is concept substitution, where logical statements are based on false premises, or connections are made between unrelated events (“Coincidence? I don’t think so…”, “If we destroy our spiritual values, our country will cease to exist”). Sometimes, events are replaced with simple declarations (“We have already helped the poor, now we need their support for our decision”).
Verbal suggestion is also used. To promote an idea, it’s enough to organize “debates” in the media with “analysts” and “experts.” The real goal is to convince the audience of a certain viewpoint while creating the illusion of discussion. Another method is to present a single case as part of a larger system, or vice versa—break a unified chain into seemingly unrelated facts.
Sometimes, harsher methods are used, like the so-called Goebbels method—absolute lies based on the idea that the bigger the lie, the easier it is to believe. Or the creation of fake events and staged news, replacing facts and ideas with catchy but meaningless slogans.
Other methods work long-term, such as the “molecular revolution” or dissonance method: promoting “alternative” facts, values, and perspectives to gradually erode historical memory, shared symbols, and values of a group.
Another effective tactic is creating a “learned helplessness syndrome” by constantly broadcasting negative news—wars, violence, disasters, epidemics—on major channels and front pages. This makes people feel they live in a terrible world ruled by evil and suffering, leading to passivity and obedience. Promoting certain ideas, like “patience is a virtue,” also encourages passivity.
Your Psychological Umbrella
Even if you know you’re being manipulated, you’ll still react—it’s human nature. But you can and should protect yourself. To counter everyday manipulation, learn to identify the true motives behind people’s behavior and spot hidden messages. For example, if someone says, “Didn’t anyone teach you to close the door?”—they’re trying to shame you. If they just wanted the door closed, they’d simply ask.
You can respond by mirroring and using the psychological aikido method developed by psychologist Mikhail Litvak. Calmly reply, “No, I wasn’t taught to close the door.” For extra effect, add, “Thanks for letting me know how to live.” If you want to avoid confrontation, especially in more serious situations, ask questions to reveal the hidden agenda: “Why are you asking? What are you getting at?”
If the manipulation is subtle or nonverbal and a direct question isn’t possible, don’t show the reaction the manipulator wants (anger, shame, guilt, fear). Instead, display the opposite reaction to throw them off and avoid further emotional games. It’s also helpful to set boundaries (“I don’t understand your explanation,” “As a law-abiding person, I can’t do that,” “I’m ill and can’t accept your offer”). Remember, the best defense against a manipulator is to cut off contact completely. If that’s not possible, minimize communication and always remember who you’re dealing with.
It’s harder to protect yourself from mass manipulation. Some people stop watching TV or reading the news, but if that’s not for you, develop critical thinking: analyze conflicting sources, spot manipulative techniques, and consider their motives. Whenever possible, get information firsthand, which is easier than ever thanks to social media and the internet.