Psychological Games: Ruthless and Relentless

The approach in psychology that suggests viewing interactions between people as psychological games began to develop in the 1960s. It became especially popular after the publication of Eric Berne’s book, Games People Play. There are many types of psychological games. Some are harmless, such as the Greeting Game (“Hi, how are you?” “Great, and you?”—a typical question and answer, regardless of how either person is actually doing). But there are also less harmless games, which, unlike the Greeting Game, are not meant to make interactions simpler or more pleasant. These games prevent relationships from developing and reaching a deeper, more meaningful level. There are even truly destructive games, played for the sake of power, manipulation, and other motives. They may look like innocent, spontaneous communication, but in reality, at least one participant has a specific goal in mind.

Manipulation in psychological games can be both conscious and unconscious. Some people deliberately manipulate others, while others don’t even realize they are being manipulative—this is especially common with children, but adults can also act based on their own desires without considering how their words and actions affect others.

Common Psychological Games Among Adults

• Cornered. In this game, the manipulator puts another person in a situation where anything they do will be wrong. In other words, the person is “cornered,” and every attempt to escape is blocked. For example: a husband convinces his wife to host a party for his colleagues, saying that all wives do this. She agrees, the party happens, and she almost escapes the “corner” (where she was labeled as a worse wife than others), but then the husband corners her again by saying, “You served the wrong food—didn’t you know my boss is a vegetarian?” or “Why didn’t you use paper plates? No one uses porcelain for a barbecue,” and so on. Another example: a mother accuses her teenager of always having a messy room, and when the teen finally cleans up, she asks, “Why did it take you so long to clean?” There are countless ways to keep someone “in the corner,” fueling their guilt and lowering their self-esteem, which can lead to serious psychological consequences.
• Tell Me About Your Problems. With this invitation, the initiator of the game gets the other person to confess their weaknesses. The apparent motive is to help, but the initiator will use these confessions for their own purposes. For example: a husband tells his wife about a situation at work that ended well for him but not for a colleague, even though it wasn’t his fault. The wife, through hints and questions, gets him to admit he doesn’t like this colleague. Later, she might tell others a twisted version of the story, saying her husband deliberately caused problems for his coworker, adding that he’s generally envious and mean, and implying that without her influence, he’d be even worse. In this example, the wife uses the game to influence how others see her (as a heroic woman who can control a potential aggressor), but of course, confessions can also be used for material gain. (It’s important to remember that not everyone who asks you to share your problems is playing a manipulative psychological game.)
• Do It for Me. Someone wants something done but gets another person to do it for them. For example, if a wife is tired of having dinner at her husband’s parents’ house every week, she could say so directly. But if she chooses to play “do it for me,” she might say, “Honey, maybe we shouldn’t go to your parents’ tonight? You still have to write that report, and if you go to dinner, you won’t get enough sleep.” The husband agrees, thinking it’s his own decision, but in reality, he’s fulfilling his wife’s wish. Another common version: parents trying to get their children to fulfill their own unrealized dreams. They enthusiastically tell their kids how wonderful it is to play soccer, music, or paint, convincing the children that these are their own desires.
• It’s Your Decision. This game is used to shift responsibility for decisions onto someone else. One partner says to the other, “Whatever you decide is fine with me,” or “You know more about this than I do, so you decide.” In reality, the person playing this game is very concerned about the outcome but doesn’t want to be responsible for it. Parents often play this game, shifting decisions about the children onto their partner. If things go well, no one says anything, but if something goes wrong, they can always blame the spouse who made the decision.
• The Court Is in Session. This game is usually played by spouses in the presence of a third party. Typically, one spouse accuses the other, who then defends themselves, but they may also exchange mutual accusations. Communication during this game is directed at the “judge” (the third party), not at each other, and the spouses are more interested in being justified by the judge than in solving the actual problem.
• Victim. The initiator of this game portrays themselves as a victim, making it clear that they are being mistreated or that they have invested much more in the relationship than their partner. “I gave you the best years of my life” is a classic phrase from a woman playing the victim. But it’s not just women—men can also constantly complain to their wives and other family members about how much they have to work and how tired they are, emphasizing that they provide for the whole family (even if they’re not the only one working), and that at home they should only rest and be taken care of. The goal of the “victim” is to make loved ones feel guilty, making them easier to manipulate.