Projective Identification in Relationships
Have you ever found yourself in the same type of conflict over and over again? Maybe you’ve experienced recurring arguments with your partner or partners for years. Why does this happen?
One possible explanation is projective identification. You’re probably familiar with Sigmund Freud’s concept of psychological “projection,” where a person attributes their own traits to someone else. For example, a narcissist might accuse others of being self-centered without recognizing this trait in themselves.
Projective identification can go a step further, actually triggering the predicted traits in another person. Imagine you have a complicated relationship with your father. Today, he asked you to change your vacation plans to spend more time with the family. When you tell your partner about your father’s request, your partner gets irritated and says your father is being controlling. You understand the source of this frustration and become upset, leading to a long conversation with your partner that ends in tears and resentment.
What happened? There are many possible explanations, not all of which involve projective identification. However, if we consider this factor, your unacknowledged frustration toward your father may have unconsciously influenced your partner to feel and express that same frustration.
In this way, your feelings toward your father are projected onto your partner, who then identifies with and expresses them.
According to theorists in this field, almost all relationships involve some degree of projective identification, and it’s not necessarily a bad thing. We can project positive qualities onto our partners, which may partly explain why we find them so attractive.
Where Do Our Projections Come From?
As with many concepts developed by Freud and his followers, projective identification is believed to have roots in our past. “You start to experience your partner the way you experienced your mother, your father, your older brother,” says Young-Eisendrath. “It’s the way you experienced things as a small, helpless child who couldn’t control the situation.”
People often believe that we continue to choose partners who resemble one of our parents, projecting our childhood experiences onto our romantic relationships.
As a result, each person finds evidence that their partner is playing the role they’ve been assigned, but this is a self-fulfilling process. It often works both ways, with each partner projecting their fears, beliefs, and history onto the other.
It’s important to understand that not every recurring conflict is due to projective identification.
How to Recognize Projective Identification
It can be difficult to identify projective identification because it happens unconsciously—you don’t know you’re projecting, and your partner doesn’t know they’re reflecting a role. So, we have to look for clues that might indicate it’s happening.
A Vicious Cycle
One sign is a recurring conflict where people keep saying and doing the same things, and nothing changes. In reality, the problem may be tied to an unconscious emotional process.
You’re Upset
Another sign is feeling upset with your partner and not knowing why. On the surface, it may not be clear why you feel angry, hurt, or other painful emotions, but you can’t shake the feeling that your partner has wronged you.
You might also be surprised by the intensity of your feelings in response to something minor your partner did. For example, they didn’t reply to your message for two hours, and you feel like your world is falling apart. Apparently “blown out of proportion” reactions can indicate that issues from earlier in your life are surfacing.
You’re Confused
Confusion is another common sign of projective identification. You might be puzzled by your partner’s reaction to you or your own reaction to them. You may wonder and worry about frequent recurring conflicts, even though you clearly care about each other. As mentioned above, you might be baffled by how quickly a trivial issue can escalate into a fight between you and your partner.
How to Deal with Projective Identification
- Acknowledge it. The first step, of course, is becoming aware that it’s happening.
- Be more mindful. What deeper dynamics might you be missing? What elements from your past could be playing a role in your current relationships?
- Take your time. When we’re calm, we’re more likely to break automatic behavior patterns in our relationships and create space to observe what’s really happening.
- Practice mindfulness. Through mindful awareness, you can observe yourself and your partner more sensitively.
- Check your perceptions. By rephrasing what your partner says, you engage more of your prefrontal cortex and less of your limbic system. This also gives you a chance to see if you really heard what your partner was saying. When you’re outside of projective identification, you’ll be shocked at how little you actually heard. It’s hard to listen to someone else when your own mind is rehearsing what you want to say or how much you’re hurting.
- Consider psychotherapy. A neutral “third party” perspective can be very helpful.
If you suspect that projective identification has played a big role in your romantic relationships, don’t despair—there’s every reason to be hopeful. If you can work through this issue, you’ll be able to tackle other challenges—parenting, finances, sex, household issues. You’ll be able to trust each other and reach a higher quality of relationship as a result.