Personality Circles
People have many layers. At first, we notice someone’s appearance. Very quickly, we learn about their behavior. Over time, we encounter their thinking style. If we live or work with them, we eventually come up against their values. It’s as if we’re moving toward the core of their personality. These layers can be described as “personality circles.” Each inner circle replaces the outer one. Our impressions and assumptions about a person, based on appearance, are replaced by the more complex layer of behavior… which, in turn, is replaced by thinking style…
These circles are not just another way of saying, “Don’t judge a book by its cover.”
Personality Profiles and Communication
The corporate world spends a lot of time using personality profiles to improve communication. The idea is that the better each person understands others’ styles, the more effectively they can listen and speak. It’s true that learning to be sensitive to thinking styles leads to better communication. At the same time, differences in values between people are more critical than differences in thinking style. In the long run, I’d rather have a colleague with similar values and a different thinking style than a colleague with the same thinking style as me but different values.
Ultimately, training in sensitivity to core values will yield the best results in communication. What might such training look like? Since most of what the recipient responds to is nonverbal communication, we’ll focus on nonverbal cues.
A Medical Example
We’ve all experienced a doctor delivering test results. One important aspect is whether the doctor makes eye contact when sharing the results. In nonverbal language, eye contact is called “two-way communication” because it involves both parties. Even if the doctor has good intentions, eye contact delivers the results on a deeper level, reaching the patient’s core. “I hate to tell you this, but you have ‘X’”—no matter how sincerely it’s said, it’s often interpreted as “I am X!” Of course, some “X’s” carry more weight than others. “You have cancer” is a powerful message.
“You have ‘X’!” is unconsciously translated by the patient as “I am X.” Not only does the patient suffer, but the doctor as the messenger is also affected—the very relationship needed for healing is at risk.
A Major Shift
Delivering bad news without eye contact changes the level at which the recipient perceives the message. For example, the doctor might first thank the patient for coming, then turn to the screen and say, “Let’s look at this X-ray: here’s where ‘X’ is. Only SOME people have ‘X’”—this means that a person’s identity can help in the healing process.
Additionally, using a “third position” allows the doctor not to be too closely associated with the negative “X”—in other words, the patient welcomes the doctor as part of the healing process. Of course, when the message is positive, we want to use eye contact so the person receives the message at the level of their identity. That’s why we say “I love you” with eye contact—we want the message to reach the person’s inner sanctuary.
How to Say It Differently
We want our identity to remain positive, and for the negative to stay at the behavioral level. The core level is “I am…”, while the behavioral level is “I have…”. I had to retrain myself.
| Old Way | New Way |
|---|---|
| I am dyslexic | I have dyslexia |
| I am asthmatic | I have asthma |
| I have ADHD | I have ADHD symptoms |
Shifting from “I am…” to “I have…” helped me become more optimistic and feel more in control.
Caution: The Cause of Negativity
My partner Gail appreciates my empathetic support when she shares the troubles of her day: “The traffic was bad, the computer broke.” As long as I’m not the cause, empathy is valued. However, trying to actively listen when I am the cause leads to disaster: “Honey, it seems like you’re upset because I forgot to pick up the kids and go to the cleaners…”
Caution: The Skill of Listening
When the messenger skillfully delivers bad news in a third-person manner, sometimes the content still outweighs the process. One wise doctor prefaces bad test results by saying, “I’m going to share your results with you… you’ll probably miss a lot of important information. Bring a friend to our next meeting when we discuss treatment options. Your friend will help you remember what we talked about.”
Warning: Some People Want Two-Way Communication
However, up to 30% of people won’t respect us unless we deliver bad news while looking them in the eye. Don’t forget to breathe as calmly as possible.