Negotiation Technique: The “Broken Record” Method and Assertive Requests
The “Broken Record” method is used to assert your legitimate demands, but it should only be applied to situations where you have an undeniable right. This technique is helpful for making purchases, filing complaints, or insisting on the replacement of defective goods. It allows you to act confidently when dealing with various organizations, ensuring your request is fulfilled not only according to the law but also within the required timeframe.
Managers can use this approach to require subordinates to fulfill duties mandated by law or job responsibilities. The “Broken Record” method can also be effective in some family situations, especially when you are in a dominant position, such as parents with children. Its use is more limited between spouses, except in cases where one partner clearly violates the other’s rights, such as through substance abuse or violence.
The core principle of this technique is to express your demands clearly, unambiguously, and as concisely as possible, using “I-statements.” No matter what the other party says to justify their refusal, you calmly repeat your demand—like a needle stuck on a damaged record. You do not allow yourself to be sidetracked, nor do you defend or justify yourself. You agree with anything that is true or at least seems plausible in your opponent’s arguments.
For example, if the other person makes factual objections, you can respond, “You’re right, that does happen.” However, you continue to insist on your demand. This puts your opponent in a paradoxical position: you keep agreeing with them (but only on secondary points) while firmly sticking to your main request.
It’s important to maintain an assertive stance from the very beginning. This means behaving as someone who is confident in their rightness and who sees their opponents as decent and competent people. Stay calm and relaxed, as you have nothing to fear—the outcome is determined by the facts. Throughout the process, avoid showing fear, as this would make your position timid rather than assertive.
Be careful when ending the conversation. Once you achieve your goal, thank the other person politely. Avoid comments like, “See, all that arguing for nothing!” Such remarks are aggressive, not assertive. Note that this method does not strengthen relationships, so it should not be used too often with close people.
How to Apply the “Broken Record” Technique
- Describe the event.
- Explain the consequences for you and how you feel about it.
- Appeal to fairness (the criterion). Explain why you believe the situation is unfair.
- Say “therefore…” and state your proposal or preferred outcome.
- After your opponent raises objections, acknowledge their validity. Repeat their points, then restate your demand without further arguments.
- Continue to agree with each plausible argument from your opponent, then add your demand using “and.”
Assertive Requests
An assertive request is an honest expression of your position and desires, made in a way that allows the other person the freedom to agree or refuse. You are asking for their opinion and willingness, not demanding compliance.
A request stops being a request and becomes a demand when you indicate (often through tone of voice):
- That you expect a specific answer,
- That you believe you have a right to a certain response,
- That you will feel hurt, upset, angry, or abandoned if your request is not granted.
Sometimes, we feel awkward about asking for a favor, especially when we believe the other person is obligated to help us. If they don’t, we may see it as rude or even immoral. However, unlike situations where we are defending our legal rights, here we are relying on the other person’s goodwill.
For example, if you’re in a hurry and someone won’t let you skip the line, instead of politely asking for a favor, you might get angry or irritated. Another issue is that some people struggle to ask for favors, or when they do, they ask in a way that suggests they don’t expect a positive response, as if they don’t deserve it. They fear feeling humiliated by a refusal and are convinced they will be turned down.
In early childhood, parents meet a child’s basic needs without being asked—they feed, clothe, and protect them, making decisions about what is good or bad. Erich Fromm called these “primary bonds.” As we grow, we break these bonds and become free, but with less external control comes less care. Many people are unprepared for this and expect others to take care of them.
A free person understands that no one has the right to control them, and at the same time, no one is obligated to care for them. They realize, “If I need something from others, I can ask for a favor. If they agree, great; if not, that’s unfortunate.” Everyone has the right to ask for what they need without feeling humiliated, and others have the right to grant or refuse a favor without feeling guilty.
When asking for a favor, be confident but not arrogant. Imagine the person you are asking wants to help but doesn’t know how. State your request directly and politely.
Some people refuse help even when they need it, often because they fear feeling indebted. They worry that if the helper later asks for something in return, they won’t be able to refuse. This often happens because they don’t know how to reciprocate.
One solution is to accept the help you need with dignity and express your gratitude. A simple “Thank you, you really helped me!” acknowledges the other person, meets their need for self-respect, and serves as a reward in itself.
Compliments are also a form of kindness, even if unsolicited. Accepting praise graciously is a way of accepting the other person. They have every right to feel gratitude, admiration, or other positive feelings toward you. These feelings do not obligate you in any way; a simple thank you for the kind words is enough.