Understanding Narcissistic Abuse: Who Narcissists Target and Why

The topic of narcissism is vast and complex. Who are narcissists? How and why does narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) develop? Does a narcissistic wound always lead to a full-blown disorder, or can it exist as a separate part of the psyche, activated in certain interpersonal situations?

Equally important is understanding not just the causes and features of NPD, but also how narcissists behave in relationships, whom they choose as their “victims,” and what those who experience narcissistic abuse can do. The book “Narcissistic Abuse” by psychologist Shahida Arabi is for those who find themselves in relationships with a true narcissist, can’t leave, or, having left, struggle to recover from the wounds inflicted by such relationships. This comprehensive guide offers up-to-date research on narcissistic personality disorder, narcissistic traits, and typical manipulation tactics used by narcissists. It also covers a wide range of topics related to narcissistic abuse in relationships, including the standard abuse cycle, the biochemistry of traumatic bonding, its effects on the brain and psyche, and the connection to the development of complex PTSD in those involved with narcissists.

The book is filled with honest and harrowing stories from victims of narcissistic abuse, illustrating just how destructive it can be and why it’s so important to talk about it.

“Dopamine attachment is fueled by monstrous cognitive dissonance, when we hold conflicting beliefs about the abuser, influenced by our physiological connection to them, their false mask, and occasional displays of kindness. Dr. Joseph Carver discusses the power of cognitive dissonance in his article ‘Love and Stockholm Syndrome’ (2004), describing it as a survival mechanism in an abusive, controlling environment. We justify, minimize, and even deny abuse because of cognitive dissonance, not wanting to let go of our initial belief that the narcissist is a kind, loving, caring person, constantly recalling and romanticizing the early stages of the relationship. Add to this the aggression that makes our brain ‘pay attention,’ as well as the pleasant memories we keep returning to, and you get a hellish biochemical bond.”

“Learned helplessness goes hand in hand with the freeze response we experience in abusive relationships, as well as with trauma-induced changes in the brain. If we can’t fight or flee to escape the abusive situation, stress accumulates in the body. Emotional pain keeps us stuck and powerless, trapping us in a prison of stress hormones that keep firing long after the threat is gone (Walker, 2013; Van der Kolk, 2015). Trauma can affect areas of the brain such as the hippocampus, amygdala, corpus callosum, and frontal lobes (Hart & Rubia, 2012; Dannlowski et al., 2012). Moreover, trauma alters the key neural system involved in the stress response—the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis—and its chronic activation wears down certain brain areas, leading to abnormalities in the hippocampus and limbic system (Perry, 2000). The hippocampus and amygdala are key for memory, emotions, and arousal; the frontal lobes handle planning and cognition; and the corpus callosum coordinates the two hemispheres. No wonder that after any abuse, it’s hard to plan, remember, or control emotions. Our brain is literally short-circuited by trauma-induced stress, disrupting the link between rational and emotional thinking.”

The book also lists types of therapy and various self-help techniques for those trapped in this cycle. But before therapy and techniques for mind, body, and spirit, Shahida suggests several first steps toward healing from narcissistic abuse: recognize the narcissist’s manipulation tactics, stop projecting your own morals and empathy onto the abuser, trust your perception of reality (not the distorted version the abuser imposes through gaslighting and projection), seek support from loved ones, and, of course, cut off or minimize contact as much as possible.

“What emotional and psychological reasons keep victims in abusive relationships? Society assumes that after an episode of violence, victims face a simple choice: leave or stay. But as we’ve discussed, victims suffer from cognitive dissonance, destructive habits from intermittent reinforcement, PTSD symptoms, traumatic bonding, abuse-related trauma (recent or from childhood), Stockholm syndrome, feelings of worthlessness, and learned helplessness—and that’s not all. While it may seem irrational, leaving a long-term abusive relationship is even harder than leaving a caring, loving, positive partner.”

This is a must-read for anyone caught in this trap or who has ever encountered it. Below, we explore the chapter where the author discusses the narcissist’s false self, the abuse cycle, the traits of people narcissists choose as partners, and why normal relationship patterns don’t work in abusive relationships.

The False and True Self of the Narcissist

A narcissist interacts with people for one reason: to get narcissistic supply—attention and admiration from people they collect like trophies. This supply can be anything that gives the narcissist praise or any emotional reaction to their tricks. They need these sources because they suffer from chronic boredom, lack of deep emotions, and an inability to form genuine relationships with empathetic people.

Narcissists tend to see you as an extension of themselves—like a bag or a piece of furniture—rather than as a complex, multifaceted individual with your own needs, desires, and aspirations. Sincere people without narcissistic traits seek deep emotional connections, but narcissists fear and despise emotional intimacy, as it would reveal their true self, not the fake persona they show the world.

Because narcissists lack empathy, they can’t truly understand the needs and feelings of others. They’re good at faking emotions, acting as charming chameleons who adapt to the perceived desires and needs of others. They do this to get what they want—a harem, an audience, narcissistic supply in the form of attention, praise, and shallow relationships that satisfy their need for admiration—while avoiding real emotional closeness. Their false self is a patchwork of personalities, qualities, and traits picked up from years of mimicking others and gathering information from any available source.

Narcissists possess what’s called cold, or cognitive, empathy. Researchers believe narcissists intellectually understand why someone feels a certain way, allowing them to strategically analyze how to get what they want from their victims, but they lack affective empathy to avoid harming others. Some even get sadistic pleasure from the pain they cause: studies show narcissists and psychopaths feel positive emotions when seeing sad faces (Wai & Tiliopoulos, 2012). They may fake remorse and shed crocodile tears, but only if it’s the only way to avoid responsibility for their actions.

Thanks to this false mask, narcissists can lure their victims early in the relationship with a fake sense of emotional closeness and safety. Most narcissists are charming, charismatic, and magnetic; they often exude a mix of false innocence and seductive charm. Many clients and readers note that it was the narcissist’s carefree, reckless attitude that first attracted them. Narcissists often seem cool and bold in social situations, though they can also be detached and emotionally distant.

It’s no surprise that research shows women seeking romance and marriage often prefer narcissistic personalities for their charm, social status, and ability to provide (Haslam & Montrose, 2015). Such women may have encountered narcissists before, yet still choose them as life partners! Despite the destructiveness of these relationships, narcissists often seem like desirable romantic partners and have a talent for appearing confident and unique, attracting potential lovers.

To outsiders, narcissists may seem incredibly generous, soulful, and humane. Usually, only those closest to them (their victims) see their cruel side. Like sociopaths and psychopaths, narcissists hide behind their charming, seductive behavior to lure victims and avoid accountability if exposed—after all, who would believe the victim if the perpetrator is so likable in public?

This is how narcissists maintain their fairy-tale image. The cycle of abuse, with its alternating passion and coldness, wouldn’t be so traumatic if not for the endless doubts about the narcissist’s true nature—doubts fueled every time we see their “good” side and wonder if the bad was just our imagination. In reality, during the passionate phase, we see only the narcissist’s mask; during the cold phase, we see their true self.

With their deception, narcissists can fool anyone—even highly educated, successful, confident, and attractive people. Many brilliant minds are duped by narcissists simply because they can’t imagine someone would intentionally manipulate and hurt others. Let’s be honest: no one wants to believe a loved one is out to harm them—it’s easier to believe the lie, because the truth is too terrifying to face.

It takes a lot of time and effort to resolve the cognitive dissonance created by this type of relationship, to sort out the conflicting beliefs, feelings, and thoughts about an abusive partner who can change masks so quickly (Carver, 2004). Survivors must clearly recognize the reality instead of denying, minimizing, or rationalizing the abuse, which inevitably happens as traumatic bonding forms with the abuser.

The first fact survivors must accept is that narcissists do not feel genuine empathy for their victims. They get angry or use gaslighting (a manipulation tactic where one person convinces another that their thoughts, perceptions, or beliefs are wrong—Riggs & Bartholomaeus, 2018) when held accountable, and they don’t take responsibility for their actions unless it benefits them. The strongest emotions narcissists feel are triggered by a so-called narcissistic injury: they experience rage and despair when criticized or when their superiority and entitlement are threatened (Krizan & Johar, 2015). That’s why narcissists go to great lengths to protect their false self, and any attempt to make them feel guilty is doomed to fail. You will never win a battle with a narcissist—they will always defend their fake persona.

Why do narcissists get away with this deception? Because they have many false selves, which they display in different contexts with different people to get their supply (praise, attention, money, sex, etc.). They are also masters of gaslighting and projection (in psychology, projection is a defense mechanism where someone attributes their own thoughts, motives, or feelings to someone else), using these methods to convince society that their victims are crazy, and to make victims doubt their own perception of reality.

The narcissist uses gaslighting to make you believe that everything you feel, hear, see, and sense is a lie. A narcissistic partner may manipulate you into thinking their hurtful comment was just a joke, or that their cheating means nothing. Many narcissists are pathological liars, rewriting reality daily to suit their needs and hide their manipulations.

It’s no wonder that victims of narcissistic abuse often feel extremely isolated and invalidated. Narcissists easily convince others that they are reasonable, rational people: anyone who dares question their self-image is labeled crazy. This is how they describe any justified emotional reaction from the victim to their suspicious and inconsistent behavior. This is gaslighting in its simplest form, but over time it becomes a complex psychological torture, where the victim starts doubting their own perception of obvious emotional abuse and can no longer trust what once seemed real.

Who Do Narcissists Choose as Victims?

In their search for supply, narcissists can target anyone, as long as the person has empathy. Even if you are beautiful, smart, successful, likable, strong, and have a great sense of humor, you can still be fooled by a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath, because these people think differently and use manipulation tactics beyond our wildest imagination. Mental health professionals unfamiliar with narcissistic abuse—especially couples therapists—fall for this every day: highly empathetic individuals often become victims of narcissists, who exploit their compassion and kindness to continue the toxic cycle.

Writer and abuse survivor Hayley Rose Horzepa, in her article “Why Do Smart Women Date Abusive Men,” notes that anyone who understands the dynamics of abusive relationships knows intelligence has nothing to do with it. She emphasizes that even the smartest people stay in abusive relationships because of their vulnerability, heightened by old traumas and losses.

Contrary to the typical stereotype about abuse victims, some studies show that working women are twice as likely to experience intimate partner violence as non-working women. In fact, women who choose mentally unstable partners can be quite independent and lead active lives (Franklin & Menaker, 2012). This is proven by the many public figures—smart, talented, successful women—who have been victims of domestic violence. While it’s commonly believed such people have low self-esteem, in reality, an abuser can break down even someone with high self-esteem and ironclad confidence (and we’ll discuss how this happens soon).

This isn’t to ignore or diminish those who, after a relationship with a narcissist, feel dependent or codependent, but our stereotypes about abuse victims are outdated and need to be replaced with a broader understanding that includes people from all backgrounds and personalities.

Narcissists don’t choose us because we’re like them, but because we bring light to their darkness. Regardless of our vulnerabilities, we possess amazing qualities—empathy, compassion, emotional intelligence, and genuine confidence—that they, with their fragile egos and fake masks, can never have.

While abuse survivors who experienced childhood trauma are certainly more prone to retraumatization, it’s important to understand that some people had no early trauma but still met a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath, got hooked, and then suffered emotional abuse. I receive messages from abuse victims worldwide with all kinds of trauma histories. No one is immune to this hidden, insidious aggression.

Let me repeat: survivors can come from all walks of life, and many are strong, smart, talented, and successful. Empathy and vulnerability are what put them at risk. Any accumulated trauma that forces them to violate their own boundaries and creates self-esteem issues certainly adds to their vulnerability, but it’s not about intelligence or strength of character—it’s about the nature of the psychological trauma experienced in or outside abusive relationships.

The Abusive Cycle: Idealize, Devalue, Discard, Destroy, Hoover

The abusive cycle with a narcissistic partner starts with idealization in the early stages (the honeymoon phase), followed by an abusive incident or series of incidents, before the cycle resumes with intermittent reinforcement—combining devaluation with bursts of attention and admiration.

The narcissistic abuser first idealizes their partner, showers them with excessive flattery, attention, messages, and gifts, shares secrets and personal stories to create a sense of intimacy, and encourages the partner to share their own deepest fears and desires. Later, the narcissist will use these confessions as weapons to psychologically control the victim.

It’s during the honeymoon phase that the toxic partner traps you, making you fall so deeply in love that you can’t imagine life without them. During idealization, you feel beautiful, loved, adored, and sure you’ve met your soulmate—this is the classic “love bombing” technique. At this time, the narcissist mirrors the victim’s values and interests to make them believe they’ve found the one they’ve been waiting for all their life.

The subsequent devaluation, mixed with intermittent love bombing, trains the victim to walk on eggshells, hoping the honeymoon will return, but in reality, another abusive incident is just around the corner, deepening the trauma cycle. The narcissist exploits the victim’s need for validation and approval, as well as the sense of worthlessness instilled during the abuse cycle, to increase dependence.

Such abusers give you just enough attention to keep you around and make you long for the idealization phase. As emotional aggression intensifies, the victim becomes more accustomed to it and more invested in the abusive relationship—due to biochemical and traumatic bonds, which are discussed in detail in the book.

Although the cycle’s duration varies, sooner or later the victim will be discarded, especially if they catch on to the narcissist’s plans or leave on their own. Sometimes, however, the narcissist manages to manipulate the victim back or quickly replaces them with another source of supply.

My own relationship with a narcissistic abuser followed the same pattern as many other victims: a period of excessive idealization—the honeymoon, where I was showered with compliments and put on a pedestal—followed by devaluation incidents alternating with idealization. Many covert narcissists have a whole strategy for devaluing their victim—they may drop hints and red flags even during idealization, knowing you won’t suspect a thing: you’ll interpret their rudeness as awkward honesty or constructive criticism and try to prove you’re not as bad as they say.

Narcissists act covertly, behind the scenes, and are surprisingly cunning in devaluing their victims. They attack your deepest fears and greatest achievements. If you tell them what you fear most, sooner or later they’ll make a cutting remark about it. If you share what you’re most proud of, they’ll find a way to belittle your accomplishments and convince you they’re nothing special—because, as you know, only the narcissist is allowed to be special and unique.

This devaluation can be disguised as hurtful jokes or brutal honesty, but in reality, it’s verbal abuse, name-calling, arrogant sarcasm, sudden coldness, open or covert humiliation, and unhealthy comparisons to others, all designed to make you feel worthless. Devaluation can also be blatant and disgusting. In my experience, during more open episodes of devaluation, a verbally and emotionally abusive argument could last for hours, followed by fake remorse when the narcissist briefly puts the charming mask back on to lure the victim back.

This cycle repeated over and over until a temporary discard, when the abuser would dump me in a fit of narcissistic rage or ignore me if I tried to discuss our problems. Then he’d come back, using “hoovering” tactics, pretending to have changed, but really just to regain control (more on this in the “Hoovering” section). The final discard finally allowed me to break contact and end the cycle.

Victims struggle to escape the narcissistic abuse cycle because of the massive amount of gaslighting, projection, and psychological manipulation. The abuser can convince their partner that the insults they endure are an illusion, making them deny or minimize the abuse. The narcissist may even convince the victim that it’s all their fault, projecting their own flaws onto the victim or framing the victim’s strengths as weaknesses.

The victim then mistakenly concludes that abusive incidents are just misunderstandings, and their partner’s mood swings are their own fault. Unfortunately, with narcissists and antisocial personalities, their intentions and the pathology behind their abusive actions are far more insidious, destructive, and deep-rooted than we realize.

Abuse victims live in constant anticipation—waiting for their abusive partner to change, for kindness to turn to cruelty, for the next blow or shock, trying to avoid it, waiting for the right moment to end the relationship. Only by stopping the waiting and leaving the toxic partner can they begin to understand what they escaped from and start to find themselves again. Leaving is hard, healing is even harder, but it is absolutely possible with the right resources and support.