Key Differences Between Overcontrol, Control, and Trust

One of the most frequently asked questions is: “What is overcontrol?” If you look it up in dictionaries, you won’t find such a term or its definition. However, you can find definitions for the word “control.” Here are a few:

• Control is observation for the purpose of verification or supervision.
• Control is one of the main functions of a management system. It is carried out by observing the behavior of the managed system to ensure its optimal functioning (measuring achieved results and comparing them with expected outcomes). Based on control data, the system is adapted by making optimizing management decisions.
• Control is having power over or influence on a situation.

This list of definitions could go on. The term “overcontrol” includes the word “control” and the prefix “over,” which in Russian forms nouns that mean the highest degree of something. Accordingly, “overcontrol” is the highest (extreme) degree of control. In my experience, overcontrol causes feelings of anxiety, sometimes fear, and constant worry about the possibility of losing control over a situation. Overcontrol drains a huge amount of energy and mental resources. When you free yourself from such an extreme form of control, you gain extra strength for action and self-development.

How to Identify Overcontrol in a Person

We’ve defined the concept, though it’s a bit vague and not fully formed, because it’s not always easy to identify. What should you pay attention to? The person’s state, their emotions and feelings.

As mentioned, overcontrol easily triggers anxiety, fear, and worries about losing control. It is a source of increased stress, keeping a person in a tense, non-resourceful state. That’s the first red flag.

The second is the person’s motives, which is where it gets tricky. If only we could read minds! Instead, we need to identify patterns—repeated ways of reacting in certain situations.

For example, if a person feels fear, what is it related to? Is it a real threat to life? Fear is just a marker that someone’s boundaries have been violated. Fear for one’s life is not a sign of overcontrol. But there is fear related to wanting to control others, like children, to make them meet a parent’s expectations. This leads to thoughts like, “If my child doesn’t meet expectations, it’s my failure as a parent,” or “If I didn’t succeed, my child must achieve the best, and I’ll show them what’s best.” Here, fear marks that these overly broad boundaries are also at risk of being violated.

Notice: in the second example, the parent has expanded their boundaries too much, taking over the child’s life space. It’s important to understand why a certain state has appeared in a person’s life and for what (sometimes unconscious) purpose.

So, to determine if overcontrol is present in a specific situation, you need to know two things:

• The person’s emotional state
• The person’s motives (why they acted that way, what the positive intention behind their state is)

Another question worth considering: who finds it easier to identify overcontrol—a person themselves, someone else, or a professional psychologist? My answer: none of them. All require different efforts to determine whether overcontrol is present and, if so, whether it manifested in that situation.

Social Norms/Rules and Overcontrol

Earlier, we touched on the topic of boundaries. Let’s discuss it a bit more, especially in terms of norms and rules that set these boundaries (which can make life easy and interesting, or difficult and complicated). In overcontrol, boundaries are violated: a person tries to control even what is beyond their control. Let’s think about this together!

Do you agree that rules in society exist for a reason? They have a functional purpose and are time-tested. But sometimes we encounter a rule that restricts us too much. Our mind may see it as a norm accepted by everyone, but it might actually be imposed by a small subgroup.

For example, we can decide whether to follow a dress code at work. If keeping the job is important, we accept the rule and choose a comfortable outfit that fits company policy. If not, we look for a job where jeans and a t-shirt are acceptable. Some jobs even allow shorts year-round (like diving instructors or swim coaches). So, we can choose to follow these rules or not.

There are laws that support large systems, like Russian laws prohibiting murder, theft, violence, etc. We choose whether we want to live in this society and be accepted by it. No one says you can’t break the law, but violators face both moral and legal consequences. It’s everyone’s choice, but one choice is supported by the majority (and I agree with it), while the other is condemned and punished as unacceptable. It’s important to accept these as essential rules.

There are also family rules. For example, some families believe, “To earn well, you must work hard.” Family members follow this rule, and those who don’t may be excluded. Imagine how limiting this rule can be…

It’s important to understand which social rules you accept and share—without which you wouldn’t be accepted—and which are restrictive obligations imposed on you. Which ones are you willing to live with, which do you tolerate, and which seriously hinder and complicate your life?

Accepted laws and moral norms in Russia are essential boundaries. But what about the rest? I think this philosophical discussion could go on forever. My goal is to draw your attention to how you set your boundaries based on the norms and rules you know, how aware you are of them, and how you build your behavior accordingly.

Trust as the Main Focus in Working with Overcontrol

If you’ve identified overcontrol in yourself, your acquaintances, or anyone else, where do you start?

The main work with overcontrol is, first and foremost, learning to trust yourself. Trust your feelings and sensations, desires and intuition, and so on.

What is trust? In social psychology, trust is an open and positive attitude toward another person, which includes confidence in:

• The other person’s integrity and your own honesty
• Mutual goodwill
• Loyalty—both yours to them and theirs to you
• Mutual help and support

Self-trust is all of the above, but directed toward your bodily experiences and perceptions, emotions and feelings, desires and sensations, intuition. It’s when you listen to your body and interact with it. When the situation and rational mind don’t take full control, leaving you no choice. Rationalization is just a defense mechanism against anxiety. The less we trust ourselves, the more often we encounter deceptive reactions from our own bodies.