Is Reality Real? Part 1

Part One

Many people would like to change their lives. And if not change them completely, then at least make some adjustments. For most, this seems like a difficult task. After all, what people most want to change are the things they believe are out of their control—living conditions, circumstances. For example, the size of their apartment, their salary, their weight… That’s usually where all complaints about life begin, isn’t it?

Now is a good time to check yourself: what are you dissatisfied with in your life? Take a moment to answer.

It would seem that external circumstances are something to be accepted without complaint, even if you don’t want to. And if a person can’t manage this on their own, wise people (or today’s psychotherapists) always have ways to help. In an Eastern parable, a poor man complains to a priest: “I have a big family, but our house is so small and cramped that it’s impossible to live.” The priest advises, “Bring a goat into your house.” The confused man does as told, and life becomes even harder. After some time, he returns to the priest.

“I followed your advice, but life hasn’t gotten better. It’s only worse.”

“Good job for following instructions exactly,” the priest replies. “Now, take the goat back outside.”

The man is overjoyed to free the house from the goat and does so with pleasure. He and his family feel great relief. Later, he thanks the priest: “Thank you, Father. Life is so much better in our house now that the goat is gone.”

Everything is known by comparison. This isn’t just a story, but an illustration of how to make someone accept reality. Still, you probably wouldn’t rush to apply this method to your own life. Why? Maybe because accepting reality here also means accepting its unchangeability.

This story shows that it’s not the circumstances themselves that prevent a person from accepting them, but their attitude toward them. If they can look at these circumstances differently, they can accept them. This story is a good reminder that people don’t live in an objective world, but in a subjective picture of the world—about 90% of the time. All dissatisfaction relates to subjective perception, just as all joy does.

How Do We Perceive?

How does the subjective world arise? It comes from the interaction of our senses with the environment. We don’t know the external world directly. We receive signals from our senses, which give us a mass of sensations: visual, auditory, tactile, olfactory, and taste. These sensations alone aren’t yet a “world.” An infant has many sensations but can’t distinguish any objects. Their gaze drifts, not stopping or focusing. For them, external reality is an amorphous, continuous environment.

As the child grows, parents teach them to recognize objects in the mass of sensations—dad, mom, toy, spoon, etc. By pointing to objects and naming them, reality becomes structured, no longer amorphous, but made up of objects. Thus, dividing reality into objects is a result of learning.

In Daoist philosophy, there’s a koan for seekers of wisdom: “Who created this beautiful green meadow? Who created this beautiful blue sky?” The answer the student arrives at: “I created it myself.”

The process of discovering new objects continues into adulthood—at school, college, and in professional life. Eventually, people can’t look at the world without seeing it as made up of objects. The objective picture of reality depends on language, culture, and education. It’s shared by people from the same cultural background.

On the level of the objective world, people can usually agree with each other. Objectively perceiving what’s happening is a useful skill, for example, in journalism or scientific research. However, it’s hard to maintain an objective view because perception is distorted by a person’s intentions.

Intentions make us focus only on significant objects, highlighting them in perception and pushing everything else to the background. Intentions color perception emotionally. As a result, each person has an individual (subjective) picture of reality, which doesn’t match anyone else’s. Ask two people to describe the same event, and you’ll be surprised how differently they see it.

To illustrate, think of something you dislike. Remember when it first appeared in your life. You can probably recall not only that moment but also the decisions that made this reality yours. Even if those decisions weren’t yours, but your parents’.

Situations and Contexts

Let’s define some terms. A situation is the objective picture of what’s happening—the set of objects and processes at a certain time and place. Context is the subjective perception of the situation, determined by the perceiver’s intention (their decision to take some action).

Two students went to a summer work camp.

• “What was it like?” a friend asks.
• “Hard labor!” says one.
• “We had fun!” adds the other.

You can give a context a name, and it usually reflects the uniqueness of that perception. Even in a short name, you can often read the intention behind it.

Representations – Perception Templates

In the 1950s, psychologists conducted an experiment. A group of subjects was shown a playing card for a split second. In that time, they could correctly identify the suit and value. Then, they were shown a non-existent card—an eleven of diamonds. All subjects identified it as a ten of diamonds. When shown a black eleven of hearts, opinions split: half saw it as a ten of hearts, the other half as a ten of spades. Each insisted they clearly saw the suit and value.

This experiment illustrated the constancy of perception. In other words: people recognize objects by matching them to what they already know; at first, they see the template stored in memory, not the actual object.

Children memorize a huge number of such templates as they learn to recognize and name things. It’s commonly thought that children only learn names, but in fact, they create many standard images that become the basis for perceiving the world.

Representations are fixed templates of perceiving objects and situations (and the related habits of response) formed in the past.

We defined “context” as a person’s subjective perception of a situation. Context is the result of the interaction between the external situation and a person’s representation of it. The concept of “context” is broader than “representation” because it includes both representations and external reality.

But is “representation” just an empty abstraction? How can you detect representations? Think of an object and close your eyes. How do you know you’re thinking about it? You might notice a vague or clear image, a certain feeling, or a whole range of feelings associated with it. Everything you notice is the tip of the iceberg of your representation, accessible to your consciousness at that moment. As soon as you interact with the object, other parts of the representation will emerge, just as familiar.

Have you ever gone mushroom picking? Remember, after coming home and going to bed, closing your eyes—what did you see? Vague or clear images of mushrooms. Not always the exact ones you found, but often generalized images with features of a certain type.

Or after a party with friends, as you fall asleep or close your eyes, you see faces, eyes, smiles. Both the mushroom images and the friends’ faces are representations that helped you find more mushrooms in the woods or enjoy socializing at the party.

What we see with open eyes is also the result of our representations. Though more detailed and clear than inner images, all these details are organized into a picture by learned perception templates.

Once, I asked well-known NLP trainer Annie Entus: “What does ‘map’ mean in the presupposition ‘the map is not the territory’?” She replied: “How you perceive the situation you’re in right now is your map. The mistake is to think I see the situation the same way you do.” I completely agree. The same can be said in terms of representations. Different representations about objects, each other, and communication make us see the same situation differently.

Success in any activity depends on the representations a person has about that activity and the objects involved. The clearer, more detailed the representation, the more effectively you can act with the object.

Want to See for Yourself?

1. Pick an activity you do well. Think about it, become aware of your representation of it.
2. Now pick an activity you do poorly. Imagine it. Notice how much clearer and more detailed the first image is compared to the second.

With the advent of NLP in sports, so-called ideomotor training became popular. Athletes—like archers—would vividly imagine raising the bow, aiming, drawing the string, releasing it smoothly, and hitting the bullseye. This work with inner representations produces more tangible results than actual shooting. And this applies not just to sports.

Entering and Exiting a Representation

When a person perceives an object, their representation of it becomes active (while others are inactive). The intermediate phase is when a person thinks about a representation but is detached from it, so it doesn’t affect their feelings. A representation is completely inactive when it’s not recalled at all.

Different representations are organized in the inner world like floating “bubbles” in a clear liquid. Each “bubble” is a representation formed and fixed during life. Some are close to the person’s attention, others on the periphery. You can pull any “bubble” closer by focusing on it. The “bubble” comes closer, and you see the world through its “walls,” shaping your perception. Your feelings, thoughts, and behavior (your whole experience) will match this perception.

To enter a representation (activate it), bring its image as close as possible to yourself (placing it between you and reality). You’ll notice changes in how you perceive your surroundings—some objects will stand out more. You’ll want to react differently to these objects and the whole situation.

An extra way to enter a representation is to find as many similarities as possible between the representation and your current reality.

To exit a representation (deactivate it), mentally distance it from yourself (“remove” the feelings and thoughts associated with it; change your posture, breathing).

An extra way to exit a representation is to find as many differences as possible between the representation and what you perceive here and now.

Exercise: “Enter a Representation”

1. Choose a state or behavior you’d like to enter right now.
2. In what situations do you usually experience this state? Recall an image of such a situation and yourself in that state.
3. Find several similarities between your current situation and the one where you usually have this state.
4. Bring the representation of this state closer to yourself. As you enter it, change your posture, notice how your breathing and sensations change. Notice what changes in your perception of your surroundings.

Exercise: “Exit a Representation”

To stay out of a representation, it’s not enough to just exit it. To avoid “falling back in,” it’s best to enter another representation. If you want to improve your current state or behavior, do the following:

1. Notice how you feel in the unwanted state now, what thoughts and images are associated with it.
2. Have you ever felt differently in similar circumstances? (Or what other state could you have in this situation?) “Remove” the sensations of the unwanted state, push away the images and thoughts associated with it. Feel freer and notice changes in your posture and breathing. Look at your current surroundings objectively and neutrally.
3. In what context would this state be appropriate? Find as many differences as possible between that context and your current situation until you feel the unwanted state’s influence weaken.
4. Choose the state you want to have instead. In what context do you usually have it? Find as many similarities as possible between that context and your current situation until you feel its influence grow.
5. Bring the representation of the desired state closer and associate with it. Notice how this affects your self-perception and how your perception of your surroundings changes.

How Do Emotions Arise?

Emotions are what we feel when our current representation doesn’t match the objective facts we perceive.

If the emotion is negative, you’ve encountered a fact worse than you expected based on your current representation. If it’s positive, you’ve noticed something better than you expected.

Emotion is energy meant to help you, after realizing the information, adjust your representation.

No matter the emotion—positive or negative—it’s a message about a mismatch between reality and your current representation.

It’s common to think negative emotions are bad and should be eliminated. In the past, tyrants often executed messengers who brought bad news. But killing the messenger doesn’t make the news less important.

A more reasonable reaction to negative emotion is not to try to get rid of it, like taking a painkiller, but to understand which representation is at odds with reality and adjust it. Thus, negative emotion can be useful for growth.

Exercise: “Incorporate the Fact into the Representation”

1. Choose a (non-work-related) situation that “makes” you feel a negative emotion. What fact in this situation triggers the emotion?
2. Identify the representation that clashes with this fact. Why does this fact matter? What important value does it contradict?
3. Choose a more appropriate attitude toward this fact. What attitude would be more suitable?
4. Mentally recall the inadequate representation. Include the image of the fact causing the emotion, so they merge harmoniously in one picture or “movie.”
5. Bring the new representation closer. How does it affect your state?
6. Imagine yourself in a future situation where you’ll encounter this fact again. What do you feel?

Interacting with Reality

How can you change reality? This question remains relevant, even if we understand that reality is our subjective reality. Since what we call reality is created by our beliefs, changing reality no longer seems impossible.

People act according to their beliefs, and these actions confirm the “correctness” of those beliefs. A person’s beliefs and actions form a self-sustaining system. This is usually obvious to an outside observer, but becomes clear to the person themselves when they look at themselves from the outside. As the saying goes, you don’t see the log in your own eye, but you notice the speck in someone else’s.

Thus, reality is created not only by a person’s beliefs about it, but also by the actions they take toward it. Reality reflects back—a response to your own actions. So, reality is created in the interaction between a person and what they consider reality.

If you don’t like something in reality (X), ask yourself what actions you usually take toward (X), in the past or now. You may realize that your actions make reality (X) the way it is. Then ask yourself why you act that way. You’ll see that your beliefs about (X) make you act that way.

Beliefs and actions are like two halves of a closed loop. While inside this loop, people usually only notice part of it, so they don’t realize they’re creating reality themselves.

Now that you know how you create your reality, what’s stopping you from changing it? Nothing, except for two problems. First, you need to know what you want your reality to be. Second, you need to overcome the fixation of your old, familiar reality. It’s been held in place for a long time, and no matter how much you want to change, this fixation may have its own reasons and mechanisms.

What Is a Psychological Problem?

People tend to repeat their experiences, and not always just the positive ones. You can probably see this in your own life. Think about how your mornings go from waking up to leaving for work or school. You almost always repeat the same set of actions. If you wake up late one day, it’s easier to be late than to skip any part of your usual routine. It’s as if some force makes you do everything you usually do. Isn’t that right?

We’ll define a psychological problem as inadequate perception and reaction to a situation—that is, a response that doesn’t match what the person or those around them consider appropriate. The core of a psychological problem is a fixed past experience that’s become inadequate. The solution is to become aware of the experience and change it to something more appropriate.

Three Types of States

If our goal is to learn to change our experience, we need to understand how and why experience becomes fixed. As you’ll see, experience becomes hard to change only because of a person’s attitude toward its content.

There are three types of fixed experience, described by an ancient metaphor of three elements: stone (or earth), fire, and water. Stone is inert, dark, hard, unmoving. Fire is passionate, hot, active, moving. Water is calm, relaxed, flowing, taking the shape of its container.

Closedness

The first type of attitude is denial, avoidance—a reluctance to be aware of something. We’ll call this “closedness.” Closedness puts a person in a stone state.

Think of something you want to avoid. Notice the sensations in your body. Most likely, they’re static: tension, stiffness, pressure, hardness. Your attention stays inside, like in a cocoon.

Fear is also an example of avoidance.

Closedness is the absence of awareness of something in your experience. But lack of awareness doesn’t make the experience disappear; on the contrary, it only fixes and stabilizes it.

The reason for avoidance (or fear) is the meaning a person gives to a situation. People avoid (or fear) not the facts, but the meaning they assign to them. You can artificially create tension or fear about any fact by linking it to a meaning that seems unacceptable or terrible. Conversely, if you separate the fact from its assigned meaning, you can remove the fear.

The “Stone” State

In the “stone” state, a person talks about what they don’t accept, avoid, or prefer not to notice. In speech, they use negatives: “not,” “can’t,” “impossible,” “unacceptable,” “horrible,” “disgusting,” “bad,” “just not,” “get rid of,” “prevent,” etc.

In facial expressions and gestures, closedness shows as more stillness than usual, stiffness, tense and unmoving posture. If you ask about inner sensations, they’ll notice hardness, heaviness, or static tension in the body—often along the midline: stomach, chest, neck, face. This is how you can recognize a closed state in yourself.

Exercise: Ask a partner to talk about something they fear, avoid, or find disgusting. Notice signs of closedness in their words, expressions, gestures, and inner sensations.

Directedness

The second type of attitude is “directedness.” Directedness arises when a person strives for something, considers something important, and thus narrows their awareness to that important thing. Directedness puts a person in a fire state.

Many obsessions arise from this type of fixation. For example, an obsession with cleanliness. Think only women suffer from this? Not at all. Picture a captain on deck. In front of him is a line of sailors who just finished scrubbing everything on the ship. But the captain is never satisfied: he lies down on the deck, and if even one speck of dust gets on his white uniform, the crew will scrub the deck again.

Directedness arises when something important, desired, and valued is, in the person’s view, missing from reality. For example, when someone strives for an unattainable ideal.

Think about something you want. Notice the sensations in your body. Most likely, you’ll feel movement, agitation, or irritation. Your attention is narrowed, focused, and absorbed by the object of desire. You can create this state artificially by thinking about an ideal you want but don’t have.

The “Fire” State

It’s easy to get into a fire state if you insist that the ideal should be real.

In the “fire” state, a person talks about desires, goals, values, actions, motives, and significant objects. In speech, they use words like “want,” “preferable,” “good,” “better,” “great,” “wonderful,” “ideally,” “main,” “most,” “most important,” “important,” etc.

In facial expressions and movements, there’s more dynamism and emotional expression than usual. Inner sensations match the outer expression (excitement, movement, changing sensations). It’s not still, but rather trembling, striving, and moving.

Exercise: Tell a partner about something important to you, a goal or ideal; or ask your partner to tell you about something like that.

Openness

Openness is the willingness to accept something, agreement with something, involvement and belonging. Openness is agreeing to know reality and recognizing yourself as part of it. Openness puts a person in a water state.

When a person acknowledges something as reality, they fix both their state and experience around it. Every belief is an acknowledgment of something as reality. And we know how strong our beliefs can be.

Think about something you accept, consider necessary, or as really existing. Notice the sensations in your body when you think about it. Most likely, you’ll feel calm, relaxed… Or maybe even apathy or hopelessness, if the reality is pessimistic. Your attention is likely unfocused and spread around you.

The “Water” State

You can reach a relaxed, calm “water” state by accepting what you don’t want to accept.

When a person acknowledges something as reality, their viewpoint remains subjective, so the consequences of acceptance depend on the viewpoint they adopt.

In the “water” state, a person talks about what is, about accepting something, about belonging, about real involvement, about responsibility. In speech, they use words like “should,” “must,” “obliged,” “necessary,” “right,” “appropriate,” “we,” “together,” “simply,” “is,” etc.

Exercise: Ask a partner to talk about something they know for sure—not objective facts, but their evaluation and interpretation of facts they’re confident in. Notice all signs of acceptance of reality.

Author: Boris Salikhov, psychologist, NLP trainer