Is It Always Necessary to Be Honest with Everyone?
Have you ever wondered if you should always be honest with everyone? Maybe you’ve tried never to lie. But telling the truth all the time is probably impossible for anyone. As psychologists say, the phrase “I didn’t lie, I just didn’t tell the whole truth” is also a form of lying. We decided to help you calm your conscience and asked psychologists in which situations lying is unavoidable and how to regain trust if you’ve been caught.
Should You Always Be Honest?
First, let’s answer the main question: do you really need to be honest with everyone all the time? The psychologists we interviewed agreed—never lying is impossible. In fact, you don’t need to strive for that. Many people may not like this conclusion, since our society condemns lying and nobody wants to deal with a “liar.” So, let’s figure out what’s good and what’s bad.
“Should you always be honest? No! Not always and not with everyone! Honesty is a trait of a very strong and fearless person. As we know, people have been persecuted, suffered, and even died for telling the truth. Sometimes, telling the truth means certain doom. You have to be a spiritual warrior to be ready to die for the truth. There aren’t many such strong and honest people. The average person isn’t ready to suffer too much for their beliefs, and you can’t blame them for that. People resort to lying when their safety, comfort, or goals are threatened,” says psychologist and psychotherapist Andrey Smirnov.
According to psychologist Mila Kudryakova, you should tell the truth when you’re asked for it. Before telling the truth—especially if you know it might be unpleasant—ask for permission and make sure the person is ready to hear it and has agreed. This approach respects both your boundaries and the other person’s. Don’t suddenly dump a harsh truth on someone. Even if someone has agreed to hear your opinion, you should still deliver the truth as gently as possible, paying attention to how you say it.
“Try telling everyone the truth for just one day and you’ll lose friends, your job, your family, your status, your reputation, maybe even your freedom. We all have skeletons in the closet, and deliberately withholding important information is also a form of lying. In this sense, we lie hundreds of times every second, for example, by not sharing our true feelings about someone. Tell your whole truth on a first date, and there won’t be a second one. If a child learns to lie, parents should be happy—they’ll go far. The ability to lie is a key to success and survival in society,” comments Ilya Anishchenko, founder of the “Profiling School” and an expert on lying and body language.
People lie for different reasons, says practicing psychologist, gestalt therapist, and YouDo service provider Elena Efimenko. Some lie “for good,” trying to protect a loved one from something bad or unpleasant. Others lie for personal gain. Everyone has their own reasons for using lies in their life.
What Can Lying Lead To?
Lying can have not only negative outcomes, like being exposed and punished, but can also lead to success, power, or even salvation and wealth.
According to Ilya Anishchenko, lying is a tool for achieving goals that sets us apart from animals. It’s imagination and lying—not just hard work—that made humans out of apes. Lying is a complex mental process that develops the brain, making us think, predict, remember, analyze information, and choose the best way out of a situation. But there’s a downside: you can get so caught up in your lies that you lose the line between fiction and reality.
“The worst thing about lying is when a person starts to get confused in their own stories and lies to themselves. There are two levels to any lie: personal and interpersonal. On the interpersonal level, lying is dangerous because it undermines the most important thing in relationships—safety. Knowing that we’ll be told the truth, no matter what, gives us a safe space where we can trust others,” says Mila Kudryakova.
Andrey Smirnov gives a practical example of when lying can be useful: lying to an employer about your age—either making yourself younger or older—can play a positive role in getting an in-person interview. In this case, a little trick can help you get around the rigid formalities of HR departments.
How to Regain Trust After Being Caught in a Lie
When we lie, our biggest fear is being found out. When it happens, we feel guilt and shame. So what should you do when the worst has happened and your lie has been exposed?
Ilya Anishchenko advises admitting your mistake and not continuing to lie. This gives you a chance to be forgiven by the person you deceived. Our psyche is built on the idea that all people are equal. Lying is a deliberate attempt to gain an advantage over someone else. And who likes being manipulated or having promises broken?
“You need to calm your emotions: take a pause and come up with a plan for making amends. The best way to restore trust is to have an open conversation and discuss both your mistakes and theirs. Of course, people may be very upset with you if you’ve really broken their trust, but it’s worth trying. It’s important to promise that it won’t happen again and that you’ll watch your emotions. When explaining, don’t overact, start crying, or make dramatic vows,” comments Elena Efimenko.
According to Mila Kudryakova, regaining trust after being caught in a lie is very difficult. It’s a job for both sides, and the person who lied must be ready to lose trust for a while. The liar will have to accept the feelings of the person they deceived and help them cope. They should also accept being distrusted and double-checked, be open to discussion, and ready for dialogue. The main thing is to learn to take responsibility for your words and be very careful with any promises. If you’re not sure about something, don’t promise it. Another important condition for regaining trust is to pay close attention to the situations where the lie happened. For example, if a wife catches her husband flirting on social media, the couple can sit down and make a list of actions that will help the betrayed partner feel better and agree on how long these actions will last. For instance, the husband can agree that for a month, once a week, the wife can ask to see his messenger conversations without warning. If she finds nothing suspicious, she’ll start to feel safe and regain trust in her husband.
Sometimes, it’s impossible to fully restore trust. In that case, Andrey Smirnov advises accepting it, learning from the experience, and seeking a new environment.
Should You Lie to Your Employer?
This is actually a very popular topic. It’s related to new forms of job interviews, the development and spread of job search and recruitment services, and it’s relevant even for those not looking for a job. Many people also have to lie about being late, missing work, or quitting.
“First, remember that lies always come out and almost always work against the person who lied. If you lie to an employer at the start, be ready for the possibility that you might not be able to handle the workload, which can lead to stress and affect you negatively. Or you might get caught, and at best you’ll be fired, at worst you’ll lose your reputation. If you’re a specialist in a narrow field or a small market, this can be especially damaging,” says Mila Kudryakova.
Who Should You Lie To, and Who Shouldn’t You?
To everyone except yourself, says Ilya Anishchenko. Self-deception is our psyche’s favorite state. We don’t want to admit our own mistakes, flaws, and miscalculations. We’re afraid to accept them and start working on ourselves.
“Ideally, it’s better not to lie to anyone, but given real life, you should always think about the consequences of lying and make decisions based on that. For example, you don’t need to tell your mom that you’ve been sent to a war zone. It will only stress her out and won’t help anything. You don’t need to tell your wife you had coffee with an old female friend. It’ll just cause drama at home, even if nothing happened with the friend,” says Andrey Smirnov.
When Is Lying Unavoidable?
Lying becomes inevitable when the punishment or reward is very significant. Ilya Anishchenko and Andrey Smirnov agree that lying to save someone is sometimes unavoidable, especially to calm our parents and loved ones. When a doctor or psychologist sees that a patient has a poor prognosis, they often avoid saying it directly. Such a truth could crush a person. Instead, it’s more helpful to instill confidence that things will work out, and sometimes this really helps people get through extremely difficult situations.
But no matter the reason, a lie is still a lie. Before lying, Elena Efimenko suggests asking yourself: “Is there really no other way?” Lying can hurt your conversation partner or yourself. Often, once you lie once, it’s tempting to lie again and again—it can become a habit. The worst kind of lie is betrayal. People who are lied to constantly become hardened, lose faith in others, and lose hope for help from those around them.
You choose for yourself whether to tell big lies or just “embellish” the facts—the main thing is to do it consciously and understand why you’re doing it. But remember: everything secret eventually becomes known.