Name Your Belief, and I’ll Tell You Where You Suffer
Our lives are defined by our system of values and beliefs. In other words, our values and beliefs shape the way we live. It seems logical to conclude that if our beliefs and values are highly moral or virtuous, our lives should be happy and free from suffering. But for some reason, this conclusion doesn’t quite ring true. There are immediate caveats: this only works if everyone shares your values and beliefs, or if you live as a hermit.
Every belief we hold has two sides: if those around us share our beliefs, we feel pleasure and happiness; if they don’t, we experience suffering.
Let’s Look at an Example
Consider the belief: “A family should be created once and for all.”
How did this belief form? Through generational continuity. Grandparents lived together for fifty years, supporting each other. The parents have been together for thirty years, even if not always harmoniously, but still together. This value of family is passed down to the daughter.
- First scenario: The daughter has a great family, her husband shares her value of family, and does everything to ensure everyone is happy. He provides financially, gives attention, and everything is as she, her parents, and grandparents dreamed. Everyone is happy.
- Second scenario: The daughter has been married for ten years, has two kids, but things aren’t as she hoped. Maybe her husband drinks, doesn’t support the family financially, is always at work and never has time for the family, cheats, belittles her, or something similar. Even though she’s unhappy in her marriage, tradition is more important than her own happiness or her children’s. She suffers but endures. Meanwhile, her neighbor is on her third husband and can’t seem to settle down. “How could I leave my husband? What about the kids? What will my parents say? What will the neighbors think?” It’s endless suffering-being together is bad, being alone is scary.
Even if she finally leaves her husband, the suffering doesn’t end. Now she’s tormented by guilt for not keeping the family together or not creating a family like her parents did. Or she’s angry about what’s happened to the institution of family. No matter how you look at it, it’s all suffering.
Those who don’t hold this belief, who prioritize personal happiness or their children’s happiness over family as an institution, will judge the woman who stays in an unhappy marriage, criticizing her patience and unwillingness to leave a bad situation.
There are many possible scenarios, but the essence is the same: your beliefs and how you live them determine your life.
Another Example
A family: mother, father, and two children-a boy and a girl. The girl gets much more attention. The boy feels unwanted and rejected. The children grow up without ever really connecting.
The boy starts his own family and has a son and a daughter. Remembering his unhappy childhood, he decides to give equal attention to both children and instills in them the value of love and friendship between siblings. Everything seems great-the brother cares for the sister, and vice versa.
As they grow up, they believe that siblings are the closest people in the world, always there to support each other. Then, the sister needs money to finish her education and counts on her brother to help-after all, he’s her brother. But the brother’s child falls ill and needs expensive treatment. The brother chooses to help his child. It’s a reasonable choice, and everyone understands.
But despite his conscious decision, the brother feels guilty for not being able to help his sister. The value instilled in him won’t let him avoid this unpleasant feeling. The sister, even understanding his motives, still feels rejected in her time of need, worried about her future without a diploma. Consciously, everything is clear, but subconsciously, the brother always feels guilty around his sister, and the sister sometimes laments that she can’t rely on her brother in tough times.
There are countless real-life examples like this-love for a mother interfering with a son’s family, traditional family hobbies, and so on. Not all end in “quiet” suffering.
These values may seem noble at first glance, but they don’t always bring happiness to those who hold them.
Every Value Has Two Sides
From childhood, we’re programmed with certain beliefs that we live by and use to judge others. If you were taught that lying is bad, you’ll judge those who lie and feel guilty if you ever lie, even unintentionally.
This is true for any belief. We judge those who don’t share our beliefs and feel guilty if we don’t live up to our own standards. It’s a vicious cycle.
Imagine how many beliefs you have that force you to feel these unpleasant emotions. Do you know what they are, or do you only notice them when you’re suffering or feeling guilty?
To paraphrase the familiar saying, “Tell me who your friend is, and I’ll tell you who you are,” in this context it becomes: “Tell me your belief, and I’ll tell you where and under what conditions you’ll suffer.”
Everything you value is also your vulnerability. If a woman sees herself as beautiful, any hint to the contrary will cause her real pain, and she’ll react defensively. If family is her value, the breakup of her family will be a tragedy. If a man values his career, being forced off that path can be devastating.
Sadly, by defending our values, we are doomed to suffer. All our psychological traumas are simply the result of reality not matching our beliefs, opinions, or viewpoints. Our beliefs are our personal programming, like a soldier’s code that can’t be broken. If you go against your beliefs, you’ll feel intense pain.
Look at what irritates you. Look at where you feel guilty. What are you focused on? What belief is behind it?
It might seem simple: find the belief that keeps you from being happy, let it go, and you’ll stop suffering. But it’s not always possible to let go of a belief, because most of our thoughts, beliefs, opinions, and viewpoints were given to us in childhood and became part of our lives unconsciously. Some are positive, some negative. We might not even realize they’re our beliefs, thinking they’re just reasonable choices. That’s why we can never truly say who we are. We don’t know our essence or our true “self.”
Our personal programming is a set of thoughts, viewpoints, beliefs, and mental stereotypes. We inherit this program from our parents, teachers, society, and culture. By identifying with it, we mistake ourselves for the program.
If life matches our value system (our program), we’re happy; if not, we suffer. Satisfy a person’s values and you’ll make them happy; destroy their values and you’ll make them miserable. That’s the whole secret of happiness and unhappiness.
Right now, everyone is in some kind of “box”-a good mother (or father), a good daughter (or son), a successful businessperson, etc. You’re no exception. And heaven forbid someone tells you you’re different-you’ll see them as your enemy. That’s what we’re left with. And, as I said, most of it isn’t really ours or authentic.
But are we aware of this? Do we realize we are not our programming, and that we have access to our true selves and a life without suffering? Do we realize that our access is limited by our beliefs, opinions, and convictions? Do we realize that our suffering and joy are determined by our value system?
“Yes, I realize it,” you might say, “but how do I break out of this vicious cycle of blame and guilt?”
There Are Two Ways Out
- The first, and simplest: Stay within your beliefs and learn to relieve tension during periods of suffering, or find something to distract you-an external source of energy. In other words, numb your consciousness. The sources can vary: a favorite job, a cult, drugs, training seminars, religion, the gym, shopping, books, alcohol, soap operas, and so on.
- The second, more difficult way: Self-inquiry (not to be confused with self-digging, which is something else entirely). In other words, awaken your consciousness.
- Step one: Realize that you are not the creator. Understand that you are a product of your parents, teachers, friends, the media, and society.
- Step two: Get to know your personal program-the beliefs, convictions, viewpoints, and mental stereotypes you live and suffer by. Simply observing your program will start to change you and move you away from a life of suffering. At the very least, you’ll learn to relieve tension on your own, without external sources.
- Step three: Discover your true essence.
There’s no right or wrong choice among these options. Any choice you make is the right one for you.