How to Tell Cockroaches from Ladybugs: What Are Beliefs and How to Deal with Them?
Most people, even those far from psychology, have heard the phrase “he’s got cockroaches in his head.” What does that mean? Most often, it refers to beliefs, or as some branches of psychology call them, convictions. Maybe you’ve heard others—or even yourself—say things like, “I can’t do it,” “I’ll never succeed,” “all women are gold diggers,” “all men are jerks,” or “all rich people are thieves.” These are the most obvious examples, but there are subtler ones. The result is the same: these are the “cockroaches” that clutter our lives and keep us from growing.
Beliefs come in two types: limiting and supportive. Limiting beliefs are the cockroaches; supportive beliefs are the ladybugs. Cockroaches poison our lives, while ladybugs enrich them. The goal is to learn to tell them apart: kick out the cockroaches and nurture the ladybugs. No matter how much a cockroach begs or tries to look cute—like the cat from Shrek—don’t give it any treats!
Where Do Cockroaches Come From?
Of course, they come from childhood. There’s a term called “imprint vulnerability”—that’s the period in our childhood when critical thinking isn’t just undeveloped, it’s completely absent. For example, a three-year-old starts to show independence. Yes, they make mistakes and do things wrong, but they’re trying. But sometimes parents do everything they can to stop this. I’ve seen it myself: I go to pick up my older child from daycare, and he’s already dressed and ready to go, while next to him stands a “superman” in a star pose, with a doting grandma fussing over him like a top fashion designer dressing her VIP client. Or at the pool, I walk into the locker room and see a mom dressing her ten-year-old, who’s just standing there in a star pose. I couldn’t help but think: this is where psychologists should be handing out their business cards—there’s no shortage of clients here!
What Do Beliefs Have to Do with It?
During these moments, parents often say things like, “Let me do it!” “You’re all thumbs!” “What are you doing? That’s not right!” “You’re too little, I’ll do it for you!” “You won’t succeed!” “You can’t do it!” “You’ll never manage!” and so on. In my practice, I’ve worked with countless adults who say things like, “I’m all thumbs,” “I have no ear for music,” “I have no talent!” And these aren’t kids—they’re grown men and women.
I can confidently say that every child is talented in their own way. There’s no such thing as a person with zero musical ability—it’s so rare it’s almost nonexistent. Sure, maybe you won’t conduct the London Symphony, but you can absolutely enjoy making music for fun.
Why Do Parents Act This Way?
It’s simple: because their parents did the same to them. It’s the “hot potato” phenomenon, passed down from generation to generation. But anyone can break the cycle and stop passing that potato along. As Karen Horney said, “We are victims of victims.”
On the surface, it seems easy: just change your belief and everything will be great. But in reality, it’s not that simple. Change happens slowly, not everyone is ready for it, and old habits have lots of hidden benefits. For example, beliefs like “I can’t,” “I’ll never succeed,” or “I’m not capable” protect a person from responsibility, from the risks of changing jobs, careers, or needs. It’s easier to sit quietly in your comfort zone and complain about life. There are also beliefs that help people avoid responsibility altogether: “It’s their fault”—and “they” can be anyone: parents, kids, bosses, the government, neighbors, you name it.
The scariest part is that beliefs are like glasses through which we see the world. As the saying goes, the way your mind drives is determined by the cockroach at the wheel.
How Beliefs Shape Our Reality
For example, a woman aged 40–45 comes to a psychologist about her relationships with men. She’s had relationships, but they were always with alcoholics, womanizers, or slackers. When asked why she chooses these men, she answers, “They’re all like that.” That’s the lens through which she sees the world. If her belief is “all men are drunks, cheaters, and lazy,” then those are the only men she’ll notice. Normal guys won’t even register—they don’t make it through her mental filters. And even if she does start a relationship with a good man, she’ll unconsciously create situations that push him to drink, cheat, or slack off. This happens so unconsciously that if you ask her, “Did you criticize, belittle, or nag him?” she’ll say, “Of course not! I just told him, ‘Why can’t you put up a shelf, you useless jerk?’ and he didn’t even react!”
See? Beliefs work behind the scenes, but their effects can be obvious to an outsider—like a psychologist.
How to Work with Beliefs
- First and hardest: Identify the belief and its consequences.
- Second: Challenge the belief. You can do this by turning a statement into a question.
For example:
- Are all men jerks?
- Are all women gold diggers?
- I can’t do it, I’ll never succeed?
Beliefs are formed like this: someone (often a parent) says something, and then it gets confirmed by experience. “You’ll never succeed!” You try once, twice, and fail—belief formed!
Now, turn it into doubt. “Are all men jerks?” Add more doubt: “Really, all of them?” Push further: “How many do you actually know?” “Did you know there are over 3 billion men on earth—are they all jerks?” “Have you ever met one who wasn’t?” The goal is to move the belief into the realm of doubt, because that’s where you can replace it with a more productive one—in other words, swap a cockroach for a ladybug.
Do the same with other beliefs:
- Are all women gold diggers? Really, all of them?
- You’ll never succeed? Really, never?
Of course, new beliefs won’t take root overnight, and your life won’t change as quickly as you’d like. If a belief has been with you for 10, 20, or more years, it’s easy to change it, but living with the new one is a whole different story. Now your whole life will be different—unknown, mysterious, and full of experiments. It’s much easier to live the way you’re used to: it may be sad and unpleasant, but at least it’s familiar. The choice is always yours: you can keep blaming men and women for being imperfect, or you can build healthy, harmonious relationships. You can keep blaming yourself, your boss, and your coworkers, or you can try a new career and earn good money. You can keep yelling at your child, or you can learn effective parenting and become a supportive parent. The choice is always yours. And the very fact that you have a choice is itself a belief—a productive, supportive one.
In Conclusion
All men are different! All women are different! I can do it, I’ll try! I can, I will manage! I will learn! This is the result of transforming limiting beliefs into productive ones. So, here’s some advice for parents: help your children develop supportive beliefs—they’ll need them in the future. And if you’re already an adult filled with limiting beliefs, don’t give up—it’s never too late to change! After all, “it’s already too late” is just another limiting belief.