Pattern for Establishing Healthy Boundaries with Others

We often form codependent relationships when we become overly emotionally attached to other people. This happens because we take responsibility for things that should be the responsibility of someone else. Codependency involves poor personal boundaries and an inability to take appropriate responsibility. People who tend to think and feel this way usually struggle to set boundaries correctly. This pattern helps us establish personal boundaries that strengthen our sense of personal power, safety, and focus.

Personal boundaries give us a sense of “self” as distinct from “other.” Within these boundaries, we experience our own values, beliefs, thoughts, feelings, and sense of identity.

Steps to Establishing Healthy Boundaries

1. Identify the boundary issue.What problems do you have that result from a lack of good, firm, and stable boundaries?

   Do you ever feel responsible for how someone else feels? Do you ever feel like you’re rescuing someone from problems they’ve created, or worry about something happening in someone else’s life more than they do?

2. Create a sense of your own space and its boundaries.Using a physical sense of your territory, your “space,” imagine this space and feel it extending around you at arm’s length. Sense all the space within this area. If this is your zone of power, what qualities and resources would you like to fill it with?

   Begin to fill this space with qualities, thoughts, feelings, resources, values, etc., that belong exclusively to you (such as self-confidence, faith, dignity, love, reliability, and so on).

   Anchor this state with a color, word, or object.

3. Strengthen the boundary.At the edge of your personal space, imagine an invisible boundary. You might picture it as a force field from “Star Trek,” a sheet of plexiglass, or any other boundary that gives you a special sense of “self,” distinct and separate from anyone else.

   Fully experience this sense of individuality from your own perspective. When it feels convincing, anchor it.

4. Take the second position of perception.For a moment, step outside yourself and take the perspective of someone who respects and values your boundaries. Through this person’s eyes, see yourself with healthy and appropriate boundaries. From their point of view, hear affirmation and recognition of these boundaries. How does that feel?

   Is there anything you need that could make this resource even better?

5. Return to your own perspective.Identify and strengthen each personal value, belief, and understanding that makes you unique. Do you allow yourself to affirm them? How do you feel when you do this? When you project this perspective into the future, what does it remind you of? Does it suit you? Would you like to keep it?
6. Address shortcomings.Now imagine meeting someone who does not respect your boundaries, who speaks and acts in ways that try to violate them. How do you feel when you see them trying to do this, while your resourceful “self” expresses itself in ways that support healthy boundaries?
7. Check for ecological fit and future pacing.Imagine using these boundaries as you move into your future. Now, picture how you would feel if you went out into the world with these boundaries in place…