How to Self-Reflect Without Self-Deception

Self-analysis isn’t just a scene from an anxiety-ridden arthouse film. In reality, “self-analysis” includes not only awkward conversations and uncomfortable moments, but also the decisions we make, the beliefs we hold, and the goals we set for ourselves. Often, we struggle to set the right goals because we see ourselves as either better or worse than we really are.

Setting Goals: What Does Self-Deception Have to Do With It?

Self-deception is one form of psychological self-defense. American psychoanalyst and psychotherapist Roy Schafer, in his work “A New Language for Psychoanalysis,” describes self-deception as a way of “unconscious protection” from unpleasant or shameful experiences (discoveries). Through self-deception, a person tries to look better both in their own eyes and in the eyes of others. This, in turn, prevents them from setting goals effectively.

Sometimes, to meet their own expectations or those of society, a person takes on an unhelpful position: doing things they dislike, taking on tasks that are too difficult, or not allowing themselves to rest. The term “self-deception” isn’t scientific—much like “toxicity.” Under the label of self-deception, there are actually several different behavioral strategies.

The Busy Syndrome

When someone throws themselves into work, or, if they can’t work, procrastinates instead. This kind of workaholism helps distract from major upsets (like a breakup, illness, or loss of a loved one). “Work leaves no time for depression,” but it may not bring any joy and simply eats up time that would otherwise be filled with pain or anxiety.

How to cope? Acknowledge the real source of your anxiety and face it head-on. If the cause is stress, you need to complete the stress cycle and move through it, like going through a tunnel. You may need professional help.

Denial of Reality

“I’m a good specialist, I don’t need more education, and it doesn’t matter that my industry is constantly evolving”—this is an example of denying reality. Some people think that admitting their shortcomings or asking for new skills will make them less respected or less professional. But that’s not true.

Remember: by asking for help and acknowledging your weaknesses, you open up new opportunities for growth, both personally and professionally.

Rationalization

“If I liked this job, my results would be better, but for now I’m just gaining experience, and I won’t find a better offer”—this sounds like the kind of despair anyone can face. Some people confidently step into the unknown and look for a new job, while others (which is also normal!) explain away their presence at a job they dislike. Rationalization, like bubble wrap, covers up unpleasant facts so they don’t stick out and hurt us again.

Projection

This is when a person blames others for unpleasant circumstances instead of themselves or external factors. “My parents told me to become a doctor, but I wanted to be a children’s book illustrator”—that’s what projection sounds like. But responsibility for our decisions always lies with us, and at the root of this self-deception is often an unwillingness to take responsibility.

Breaking Promises “On Credit”

For example, someone decides to run every morning but skips workouts, promising to make up for it next time. They plan to run twice as far or give up sweets “as punishment.” If they can’t keep the new promise, they feel frustrated. This often happens because the original goal was unrealistic.

It’s important to set goals and tasks based only on your own state, not on someone else’s expectations.

Inspired by the goal itself, a person starts living in an idealized picture and forgets about real actions. Robin Tanner, a marketing professor at the Wisconsin School of Business, said that people imagine their future as perfect and believe that someday they’ll have much more time and energy to do everything they want. They wait for the right moment, but it may never come, because they haven’t taken a single step toward it.

In the process of self-deception, a person not only ends up in an illusory world but also creates an imaginary better version of themselves. As a result, they don’t accept their real self, don’t listen to themselves, set false goals, don’t enjoy their work, and don’t strive for self-fulfillment.

Quality self-analysis starts with recognizing your true desires, not those imposed from outside or built around an idealized image. To achieve your goals, you need to let go of illusions and work with your real self. That’s why the first step is to stop deceiving yourself.

How to Stop Deceiving Yourself

Letting go of self-deception is a long process that sometimes requires the help of a therapist. However, you can take the first steps to break this habit on your own.

• Start noticing when you lie to yourself. Are you really skipping your workout because you don’t have time, or do you just not want to go? If it’s the latter, what’s behind that reluctance? Maybe you need rest and your body is signaling that, or maybe you need to change your workout routine instead of pushing yourself with cardio.
• Accept that you’re not perfect (and no one is). You have strengths, but your weaknesses are also growth points. Don’t try to suppress or hide them.
• Ask yourself, “What do I want?” and “What do I need to achieve it?” as often as possible. For example, if you want a promotion but lack certain skills, discuss with your manager the possibility of training to improve your qualifications.
• Think through different scenarios. Sometimes people deceive themselves because they’re afraid of negative consequences. Consider what’s the worst that could happen in a given situation and how you’d handle it—either you’ll realize life won’t end even in the worst-case scenario, or you’ll come up with a plan B.
• Be less critical of yourself. If you tend to be overly self-critical, self-deception is a way to protect yourself from yourself. For example, if you break your diet, don’t focus on scolding yourself—think about how to compensate for the “accidentally” eaten pastry.
• Admit when you’re taking on too much. Learning to say “no” is an important skill and a tool for happiness. Some of us try to take on more than we can handle. Ask yourself: do you have the time or energy to take on this task? Can you see it through to the end?
• Don’t ignore your feelings. If you feel anxious, sad, or uncomfortable, notice those feelings and look for the reasons. For example, if these feelings come up at work, maybe it’s a sign that communication in your team isn’t working, or you’re doing tasks that aren’t right for you.

Even if someone creates their own illusory world, it will eventually fall apart. Because of self-deception, people end up in the wrong place in their personal lives and at work, which slows down their development and prevents them from building the right path forward. Only by letting go of illusions and accepting your flaws can you grow both personally and professionally.