How to See Yourself Through Others’ Eyes and Become More Attractive to Colleagues and Loved Ones

Do you consider yourself a professional, work late hours, and ultimately bring value to your company—only to realize that most colleagues and even your boss don’t seem to notice? Unfortunately, we often have no idea what others think of us because we can’t look at ourselves objectively. Body language expert Patti Wood offers several effective self-analysis techniques to help you form an objective view of yourself, make a good impression on colleagues, and use role models for ongoing self-improvement.

Exercise: Analyze Yourself

Take a sheet of paper and divide it into three columns. Title the first column “My Self-Perception,” the second “Visible Behaviors,” and the last “Others’ Opinions.”

1. In the first column, list the aspects of your self-perception that you believe make up your true self. What are your main personality traits? Your key character features? If you work for a business owner, list all the qualities that you think accurately describe you as an employee, manager, or colleague. For example, you might write: “Professional, workaholic, excellent speaker, team player,” etc.
   Then, in the same column, describe how you see yourself in your personal life—as a spouse, parent, and friend. The list should consist of adjectives that reflect your opinion of yourself, such as: happy, strong, authoritative, balanced, friendly, and shy.
2. In the second column, list your visible behaviors—everything you say and do in front of others. This includes how you interact with friends, colleagues, romantic partners, customers, or clients face-to-face, by phone, email, or text—anything they notice. Be as honest as possible. For example, your list might include a too-casual dress style, neglecting your hairstyle, not greeting colleagues, a messy workspace, or the habit of sitting with your feet in your chair during meetings.
   List only the behaviors others can see or hear, not what you think they mean. Include all actions your team members witness. Don’t include things you do behind closed doors or just tell them about—only what they actually see. For example, don’t list standing ovations from audiences or glowing client reviews if your colleagues never witnessed them.
   When listing nonverbal behaviors, use specific descriptions, like a scientist recording observations. Instead of “friendly,” write: “They see that when I come into the office, I always smile and greet everyone cheerfully.” Instead of “businesslike,” write: “They see me sit at my computer with a frown and not look up until the coffee break,” or “They see that I don’t stop to smile or wave, but go straight to my computer and start working.” Instead of “workaholic,” write: “They see long, rambling emails from me at 2 a.m.” or “They see me always rushing with a coffee cup or texting with my head down.”
   When describing your work behavior, pay special attention to:
   • How and when you arrive at work each day (timing is crucial in nonverbal communication).
   • What nonverbal actions you take.
   • How you greet people, if at all (include what you say in the parking lot, elevator, hallway).
   • What’s the first thing colleagues see you do in the morning?
   • How you dress (list all details: clothes, shoes, jewelry, glasses, watch, wallet, phone, bag, accessories, using adjectives like pressed, wrinkled, old, tight, baggy, stylish, outdated, worn, etc.).
   • What your office and especially your desk look like.
   • Your typical facial expressions and speech patterns.
   • How often you work in your cubicle or other visible areas.
   • Do you usually sit with your back to the door?
   • How do you sit? What’s your usual posture at work and at rest?
   • What do you do when others enter your office or workspace?
   • Do you visit colleagues’ offices? If so, what nonverbal signals do you show?
   • How do you respond to phone calls, emails, and texts: quickly, slowly, never, curtly?
   • How do you answer your personal phone and how long do you talk?
   • How do you behave during lunch and in the break room? Where do you sit and how do you eat? Who do you talk to and who do you avoid?
   • How do you act in meetings? When do you arrive and where do you sit?
   • How do you behave in one-on-one and large group meetings? Do you listen, talk, or think about something else?
   • How quickly do you respond to requests? (Response speed is a key element of nonverbal communication.)
   • How do you interact with different people: colleagues, boss, clients, visitors?
   • How and when do you usually leave work? Do you say goodbye to colleagues?
   • Do you socialize with colleagues after work? If so, what do you do?
3. In the third column, write how others perceive you. First, try to look at your behavior through their eyes. What would you say about someone else if you only saw these behaviors and nothing else? Write down all these instant impressions. Be objective. For many, this step is eye-opening. It’s no wonder you might not be invited to projects—your colleagues may not know who you are or what you’re capable of. They might see you as careless, silly, or sloppily dressed. What’s your objective opinion of your own behavior? If you want, show your second column to friends or colleagues and ask what they think of someone who acts that way. Show it to your boss and listen to their feedback. Discuss it with your partner or best friend and hear their thoughts.
4. Now, compare the first and third columns. Does your self-perception match others’ opinions of you? Do you appear as you think you do? Do you resemble the person you want to be?
5. Finally, make a list of actions you’re willing to change if needed, and behaviors you should keep if they help you make the impression you want. To change how you’re perceived, you may need to let others see your hidden strengths, like eloquence you show outside work or your sense of humor that only comes out when you’re relaxed. You might also need to create opportunities to spend more time with people in different situations.
   Start honest conversations on tough topics. If you want to change others’ opinions of your work, arrange a meeting with colleagues, your team leader, boss, or clients. Ask: “What was or is your first impression of me?” “What specific behaviors led to that impression?”
   Remember, getting honest feedback can be hard. If they praise you, ask: “What can I do to make you like me even more?” If they say their impression was fine or give vague answers, ask: “What exactly should I change to make a great impression?” or “What am I doing now that I could do even better?” Whatever they say, listen without interrupting and say thank you. Don’t defend or explain your actions. This will help you tremendously. Believe me, there are plenty of people in your life who are dying to tell you if you have spinach in your teeth. You just have to ask.

How This Works

One of my clients admitted: “I was intrigued by your story about calling all your clients at the start of each year to ask about their first impression of you, and that you get honest answers. After the ‘Analyze Yourself’ exercise, you gave each member of our group the homework to have an open discussion about this with our potential and regular clients.

I didn’t believe people would tell you the truth. But when I started calling clients and asking these questions, the results were amazing. I learned that I speak too quickly on the phone, so people thought I was in a hurry, and some even felt their calls annoyed me. I started speaking more slowly, spending more time on greetings, and it’s already making a noticeable difference.”

Exercise: How to Create the Perfect Role Model

Here’s another exercise to help you improve the first impression you make. Imagine you’ve become the wonderful person you want to be. To develop the necessary qualities, you need to find role models. Then you can observe these people and note the behaviors you should copy.

Make a list of everyone you admire. These can be people you know personally, famous leaders, celebrities, or characters from movies and books. My own top three are Oprah Winfrey, Ted Clevenger (former dean of the Communication Department at Florida State University), and my friend Sarah. If you have trouble making a list, let it form in your subconscious. Each night for the next week, ask yourself to dream of people you admire and want to emulate. When your list is ready, write down the main qualities of each of these remarkable people. Here’s what my list looked like:

• Oprah — honesty, sincerity, and sense of humor.
• Ted Clevenger — honesty, sincerity, integrity, high intelligence, ability to read people, warmth, and empathy.
• My friend Sarah — honesty, high intelligence, and warmth.

Now look at your list of people and their qualities, and note what each person does to demonstrate those traits. Dig as deep as you can. It’s easiest to notice how someone dresses—do that, then move on to their actions. For example, ask yourself: “What does Oprah do on her show that convinces us of her sincerity?” Which specific characteristics of each person on your list do you like and want to copy: their voice, posture, gestures, attentiveness, time management, greeting style, ability to maintain eye contact? As you make your list, note which nonverbal behaviors overlap between people and mark each match with a checkmark.

Now you have a list of ideal behaviors and know exactly what mastering them will achieve. If you actively use them, you’ll become one of the most remarkable people you know.

What Makes a Person Seem Selfish or Self-Absorbed

Selfishness shows when someone always considers their own emotions more important than others’—like a child who takes another child’s toy. The extreme form is narcissism. Intense narcissism makes people unable to handle overwhelming emotions like anger, grief, or happiness. For example, they may quickly become furious or euphoric over trivial things and be completely unable to understand others’ pain. Sometimes, they feel a strong need to believe their emotions are stronger and more important than anyone else’s.

Cold narcissism is marked by weaker emotions but also makes people unable to control themselves. Since they don’t feel as strongly as most people, they may crave other things—money, power, drugs, sex. In their pursuit of thrills, they don’t realize the instant impression they make, appearing indifferent and cruel. They can’t see that their actions might ruin someone else’s life.

Lack of Face-to-Face Communication Time

I’m sure you’ll agree that we interact in person less now than ten years ago. When we talk to friends and family on smartphones, read texts, play computer games, and watch TV, our hearts, minds, and even eyes are more often on a screen than on each other. What happened to looking people in the eye?

Speaking of eye contact, people seeking romantic relationships no longer even need to meet in person. Of the ten million internet users who were single and looking for partners in 2006, 74% used the internet in some way for romance, and 37% visited dating sites. According to Pew Research Center, these two groups made up about 10% of all internet users that year. Now, the number of users registered on dating sites like Match.com and eHarmony.com has reached 20 million.

Business colleagues complain it’s harder to get meetings with potential clients. A customer visits their website, clicks “Send me information,” and then asks for a price list by email. In this kind of business interaction, no one even tries to get a good look at the person they’re dealing with.

But the brain needs and expects another, more important kind of information—facial and vocal feedback. As I mentioned earlier, not being able to assess people in person negatively affects the brain and, therefore, the quality of communication.

Neurobiologist Dr. Thomas Lewis believes that instant facial feedback is essential for fueling our brains and feeling empathy for the person we’re trying to understand. He says that in today’s world of texts, Twitter, and Facebook, “no matter how much we use text-based communication, it still stresses the brain.”

Research shows that parents now spend an average of just one hour a week in face-to-face conversation with their children! That means we have only one hour a week to see the signals that tell us how each family member is doing. How can parents learn about their kids’ problems in such a short, often rushed time? And how can children get the instant nonverbal feedback that lets them feel seen, heard, and understood, and helps them develop empathy?

There are countless nonverbal cues—a slammed door, coming home late, humming a love song, leaning forward, touching a hand, a sigh, averted eyes, an unfinished dinner—that help us understand and build social relationships.

Once, I had dinner with my friends Kevin and Amy and their daughters, six-year-old Shannon and two-year-old Rachel. Kevin raised his voice slightly and said, “Shannon, it’s not your turn to talk. Wait until Mom is finished.” Amy leaned toward Rachel’s high chair, gently stroked her cheek, and said firmly, “Rachel, don’t talk with your mouth full. Chew first, then speak.”

Then Kevin and Amy turned to Shannon, gave her their full attention, and Kevin asked, “Tell us what you did at school today.” Shannon’s face lit up with a huge smile, and she started talking about her art project. Her parents nodded with interest and asked follow-up questions. They didn’t touch their food until Shannon finished and said, “That’s all!”

Kevin turned to me and asked where I’d traveled. “Florida,” I replied. Little Shannon turned in her chair, made direct eye contact, and asked loudly, “Did you swim a lot?” I said yes, surprised that a six-year-old knew how to keep a conversation going with questions, and she mirrored my excitement, nodding and copying my facial expressions as I described swimming and riding ocean waves on an inflatable mattress.

But what impressed me most was the parents’ constant use of subtle corrective and encouraging gestures. I’d noticed this before during monthly dinners with them, but that night I started counting how often they used nonverbal coaching techniques I usually use in research and consulting. When the number of corrective comments and nonverbal gestures (like a raised eyebrow or approving nod) passed twenty, I stopped counting.

You may have heard of research showing a clear link between the rise in teens dropping out of school or using drugs and the decline in family dinners. Something as simple as nonverbal communication is actually a very important and complex language. To master it as children, kids need to copy adults, follow their guidance, and practice constantly. Scientists have found that to develop strong body language skills, children should participate in family dinners at least three times a week for eighteen years. This helps create and strengthen neural pathways to the brain’s communication centers and develop interpersonal skills.

For years, I’ve surveyed audiences and tracked their answers to various questions. When I say, “Raise your hand if you had family dinners as a child,” in some groups—especially those under twenty-five—not a single hand goes up. And we wonder why people under twenty-five prefer texting to talking! It takes eighteen years of direct, face-to-face interaction with adults to master the nuances of nonverbal language.