How to Respond to Insults Effectively
Have you ever been insulted, whether intentionally or by accident? Did it hurt? Did you take it personally? If so, why? Do you feel guilty, or just unsure how to handle such psychological attacks?
Let’s start by understanding what an insult really is. According to Wikipedia, “An insult (invective language) is the intentional or careless humiliation of another person’s honor and dignity, expressed in an indecent form, i.e., in a way that contrasts with the accepted norms of the society in which the act occurs. An insult can be delivered verbally, in writing, through actions, publicly, and either in the presence or absence of the victim. An insult does not communicate defamatory information about the victim, but rather gives a negative assessment of their personality in a crude form.”
Knowing your “enemy” makes it easier to deal with them. But do you really need to fight back? Over time, I’ve developed a certain tactic for responding (or rather, not responding) to insults. When someone tries to insult you on purpose, ask yourself: WHY? Why are they doing this? Do they want to put you down to feel better about themselves? If so, their actions deserve pity. This is the only way they can assert themselves. Or maybe they want to get under your skin and make you lose your temper. Why? Maybe they’re looking for a lightning rod, someone to dump their irritation on. Always ask yourself: why? Once you understand the root cause, you can choose how to respond. Remember, no one can offend us unless we allow ourselves to feel offended.
Leo Tolstoy once said, “It’s all about thoughts. Thought is the beginning of everything. And thoughts can be controlled. Therefore, the main task of self-improvement is to work on your thoughts.”
If you react impulsively to an insult, your offender wins. Why give them that satisfaction? How do we usually respond to insults? “You’re stupid!” “No, you’re stupid!” Sound familiar? When you see this from the outside, it’s clear that both people are acting foolishly. One lacks manners and self-control, while the other accepts the “game” and stoops to their level. Both deserve pity.
Sometimes insults catch us so off guard that we don’t have time to respond positively. Hurtful words can sting like needles to the heart. We can’t think of a comeback in the moment, but later we come up with a plan for revenge. Stop and look at the situation from the outside. It’s silly and even funny. Why waste your precious life on this? The person who insulted you has probably forgotten all about it, while you’re nurturing seeds of revenge in your soul, which only destroy you from within. Why?
If you realize that you control your thoughts, not the other way around, pause and imagine the situation from a cosmic perspective. Are you crying? Are you hurt? How would this look on a cosmic scale? Insignificant and not worth your nerves. It even becomes funny—so much worry over such a trifle. Calm down. Now, go to the window and carefully observe something outside, down to the smallest detail. You’ve shifted your focus, taken a deep breath, and you’ll feel better. At first, it’s hard to get rid of destructive thoughts, and the hurt may return from time to time. STOP! Interrupt the flow of sad thoughts. Have some delicious tea with lemon and honey. Watch a comedy. Play with your pets. Switch to a positive mindset.
How to Handle Relationships with the Offender
If the person who insulted you is a friend you value and love, be sure to talk calmly and openly about how their words hurt you. Discuss the situation. It will make things easier for both of you. If it’s your boss and you have to keep interacting, you’ll need to develop a specific strategy. I once had a boss who made insulting employees a daily practice. At first, I reacted very emotionally, since I’d never encountered such behavior and was strongly against it. The company had a staff psychologist who advised me to imagine the boss as a spoiled child, always crying and fighting. He just needed to be calmed down and patted on the head, put on the potty, and fed some porridge. I started doing this, and the effect was amazing! As soon as I saw his car approaching, I pictured the whole scene. I couldn’t help but smile. I felt so much more confident. The most interesting part was that my boss started to fear me. He saw my psychological advantage and didn’t know how to act around me.
Later, I tried another technique called “The Aquarium.” When the boss gathered everyone for a meeting and started yelling and insulting people, I imagined him in an aquarium, like a fish opening its mouth but with no sound coming out. I put on a protective shell, and his words bounced off me like little balls, never reaching their target. I was probably the only one in the department who could keep a clear head after those disastrous meetings. Everyone else was thrown off for the rest of the day.
“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but harsh words stir up anger.” (John Ruskin)
This is also a good approach, but it requires self-discipline and composure. Respond to nasty insults politely. Or, at the very least, calmly say, “How rude and ill-mannered you are.” Sometimes this works like a bucket of cold water on the offender. In any case, you gain a pause and can leave the “battlefield” with your head held high.
The worst way to respond, in my opinion, is to shout back something foolish. That just makes you a twin of the rude person and brings you down to their level. But sometimes it helps to release tension, especially if you raise your voice a couple of octaves.
A much better way to release negative emotions is with water. Turn on the faucet and shout everything you’re feeling into the stream of water. It really helps. Wash your face with cool water and go do something that brings you joy. The conflict is over. You were the smarter one! Give yourself a high five and try to learn something from the situation.
The person has shown their true colors. Can you change them? That’s a thankless task. Either accept them as they are, or end the relationship. The choice is always yours! The main thing is not to become a victim. Have a great day and may all your interactions be conflict-free!