How to Recognize When You’re Being Manipulated

There’s a story that, in India, there once existed a secret sect of Thug stranglers, also known as Thugs. In honor of their goddess of death, Kali, they would strangle people with a silk ribbon as a sacrifice. But it would be a grave mistake for one Thug to accidentally strangle another. So, what could they do? After all, the sect was secret. How could a Thug recognize another Thug among their potential victims? They came up with various secret signs to avoid making such a mistake. But their main defense against this error was something else: just in case, all Thugs trained their neck muscles from childhood to resist strangulation if attacked by another Thug!

So, if you don’t want to be strangled—train your neck muscles and don’t give in! If you don’t want to be manipulated, train your ability to resist manipulation and don’t give in to it!

But there’s one simple question left: how can you resist manipulation if you don’t even know what it is? Let’s answer that, so we can live more peacefully in a world full of manipulation!

Manipulation in Brief

The word “manipulation” is used so often in the media these days that it’s become almost commonplace. But just because it’s familiar doesn’t mean it’s understood!

So, what is manipulation?

Let’s start with the broadest and clearest definition: Manipulation is the skillful control of a person’s behavior.

Any objections to this definition? I think it’s broad and obvious enough that there shouldn’t be any. Of course, we can clarify it further, which we’ll do soon.

So, what does this mean? If manipulation is skillful control, then who is the manipulator? A skillful controller?

A manipulator is someone who skillfully controls the behavior of others. That’s exactly right! In Russian, the word “puppeteer” fits best. The manipulator plays people like a puppeteer plays with puppets, making them move and act according to his wishes. No one asks the puppets if they want to move or act that way! And the puppets don’t resist the puppeteer—at most, they passively go along.

Modern life has given us a new image: a puppeteer can now control a puppet remotely! Think of remote-controlled cars, boats, or airplanes. The modeler stands aside and uses radio waves to control his model. Does this remind you of anything? For example, the way the masses are controlled through television and radio?

By the way, the word “manipulator” can be almost literally translated into Russian as “leader”—someone who leads others in the direction he wants. In meaning, “leader” is not much different from “puppeteer,” wouldn’t you agree?

Manipulation is a trendy word these days. People use it to scare others: “Oh! You’re being manipulated!” It’s fashionable to frighten the masses: “We’re being manipulated by shameless politicians!” Or, “Voters are being manipulated by the media!”

But what exactly do they do, and how? That’s not always clear.

Let’s break it down. First, we’ll look at some simple examples and general ideas, and then we’ll analyze manipulation in more detail.

The Concept of “Use” as an Analogy for Manipulation

In Western movies, manipulation is often referred to as “use.” Think of a few popular action or adventure films, and you’ll definitely come across this word. Often, the “good guys” say to the “bad guys” with reproach and emphasis: “You used me!”

This is a “serious accusation” and a heavy charge from the hero! Maybe it would be more accurate to say, “You took advantage of me!” or “You exploited me!” Either way, let’s think: what does this really mean?

Signs That Someone Is “Using” You:

• The person is treated as an object.
• The target of manipulation is devalued.
• The action is in the manipulator’s interest.
• The realization comes only after the fact.
• The result is worse than expected, or not what was expected at all.

Why does this accusation of “being used” come up? Why didn’t the person object before, and acted as the manipulator wanted, but then suddenly “woke up” and realized they were used? What makes the victim realize and recognize the manipulation? This happens when the victim understands that they didn’t get what they expected, or got much less. Meanwhile, the manipulator benefited!

So, if you realize you didn’t get what you expected, you can safely assume you were used! You might even want to spit in the direction of the manipulator walking away with the prize…

Conclusions About Manipulative “Use”

Let’s sum up everything said above about “use” in a nutshell:

“I am a thing that someone who considers themselves above me uses for their own interests, without informing me of those interests, and I end up not getting what I expected.”

I think that after hearing this definition, almost any child, after thinking it over, could say that it describes them and their parents! And they’d be right! That’s where the roots of manipulation and “use” come from—they go back to childhood!

What’s another example from adult life?

For instance, history knows cases where a messenger was tasked with delivering a message, and to make him ride faster, he was promised a great reward. He delivered the message, not knowing it included a note: “Eliminate the messenger!” And as his “reward,” the messenger was killed!

A chilling manipulation, isn’t it?

And it fits all the signs of “use” we discussed:

• The messenger is treated as an object.
• The messenger is placed below the other participants.
• He is used for someone else’s interests.
• He is used secretly, “in the dark,” since he doesn’t know what’s in the message.
• He doesn’t get what he wanted or expected, but something else entirely!

Also, notice that manipulation often involves deception: the victim is promised one thing, but gets something completely different!

Conclusion

You’ve now been introduced to the basics of the art of manipulation. I won’t hide that this is just the very beginning of my book “Manipulating People” and the start of my training sessions on the topic.

Nevertheless, even without any of my trainings, you can already reap the benefits of your curiosity!

Just remember this key phrase:

“I am a thing that someone who considers themselves above me uses for their own interests, without informing me of those interests, and I end up not getting what I expected.”

As soon as you suspect possible manipulation, compare your situation to this “magic phrase.” If your real-life situation matches all the criteria, then you can stop doubting—you’re being manipulated!

What should you do next?

That’s up to you. You can confront the manipulator, put a stop to the manipulation, launch your own counter-manipulation, or seek advice from someone who can help.