How to Recognize the Boundaries Between Ego States

As the author notes, both approaches—Transactional Analysis (TA) and Gestalt therapy—focus on developing awareness, personal responsibility, and authenticity, aiming to identify fragmented parts of the personality for later integration. Transactional Analysis primarily offers a rational method for analyzing and understanding behavior, while Gestalt therapy provides practical tools for working with conflicting parts of the self.

A person who is unaware of their feelings and actions is missing out on much. They lack a deep inner foundation and are torn between conflicting internal forces. Such a person is not whole; their intellect, emotions, creativity, bodily sensations, and behavioral traits exist as disconnected parts that do not interact. By starting to recognize these parts and taking steps toward integrating them into a unified whole, a person gains a lot (Muriel Jackson).

Personality integration, the core and main goal of both approaches, helps people move from dependence to self-sufficiency, from relying on external authority to authentic inner support. According to Perls, a person who refuses to rely on their inner foundation and instead depends on external attributes (a prestigious job, degrees, a bank account) is neurotic.

I call anyone neurotic who uses their potential to manipulate others rather than for their own inner growth. Such people try to seize control, may become obsessed with power, and use friends and relatives in areas where they feel helpless. They do this because they cannot tolerate the tension and frustration that come with growing up. The very thought of risk scares them: it’s too dangerous. (Frederick Perls)

In Transactional Analysis, the parts of the personality—or ego states, which Berne defines as “consistent patterns of feelings and experience directly related to a corresponding consistent pattern of behavior”—are called Parent, Adult, and Child. In the Parent ego state, we repeat the actions, thoughts, and emotions of our parents; in the Adult ego state, we operate from the reality of the present, use facts, and make objective assessments; in the Child ego state, we act and feel as we did in childhood, with all the positive and negative consequences.

Each of us has all three ego states, and each has its own “program.” Some people react more often from one ego state and less from others. In life, critical and duty-bound behavior usually comes from the Parent, the Adult tries to solve problems, and the Child either enjoys and plays or, in the negative version, manipulates others and avoids responsibility.

In addition to structural analysis, which considers the personality from the perspective of ego state dynamics and their associated sensations, emotions, thoughts, and distortions, TA also includes transactional analysis (analyzing people’s actions and statements during interactions), game analysis of hidden interactions leading to predictable outcomes, and script analysis of specific life scenarios that a person compulsively repeats. Muriel James and Dorothy Jongeward thoroughly examine all these methods and offer readers techniques from Gestalt therapy to help see and transform their ego states, scripts, and habitual games.

We have selected a chapter where the authors discuss the Adult ego state and what helps a person in this position distinguish reality from distortions coming from the Parent and Child ego states, the dangers of boundaries that are too weak or too impermeable, and how “getting stuck” in one ego state impoverishes our experience.

The Adult Ego State

Once the mind has been expanded by a new idea, it will never return to its original size.
— Oliver Wendell Holmes, American jurist

People often cannot get out of unpleasant situations that cause them suffering. They feel “trapped” or “stuck” in a job, environment, marriage, family, or a certain lifestyle. They don’t see alternatives: it doesn’t occur to them to find a new job or improve the one they have, move and change their environment, transform communication patterns in marriage, break up, or use more effective parenting methods. Their perception is limited to the problem, not to possible solutions or even obvious exits. They use one narrow approach, repeating it over and over, even though it clearly doesn’t solve or change the situation.

The Electric Trap

Sometimes, the unwillingness or refusal to analyze the current situation leads people to avoid the obvious—diagnosis, solution, exit, etc. Berne calls this the electric trap. In this state, people are drawn to the light like moths to an electric bug zapper, compulsively “banging” into the same situation, like a goat butting its head against a stone wall, wanting to get to the other side but not realizing there are other ways to get there. People think that if they just try harder, they’ll break through the barrier and get what they want.

Typical phrases of someone caught in the electric trap:

• “I’m doing everything I can, but nothing works.”
• “Every day feels like banging my head against a brick wall.”
• “I’ve been trying for years, but there’s still no result.”
• “I repeat the same thing a hundred times, and it’s like talking to a wall.”

Strengthening the Adult ego state helps avoid this trap. The person begins to understand that it’s not necessary to keep banging their head against the wall. They learn to look at the situation objectively, because the Adult can check facts, look for alternative solutions, assess consequences, and make choices.

The Adult Ego State in Action

The Inner Adult lives in everyone, and only someone with severe brain damage is unable to use their analytical ability. Structural analysis does not debate what maturity or immaturity is. In structural analysis, immaturity is defined as habitual and inappropriate childlike behavior.

The Adult ego state can be used for logical reasoning, processing stimuli, gathering technical information, and storing it for the future. It also ensures independent survival and selective responses to situations. Here’s what Berne writes about this ego state:

An independent set of feelings, perceptions, and behavioral patterns adapted to current reality and not influenced by Parental prejudices or archaic Child perceptions… The Adult ego state ensures survival. Its main task is to transform stimuli into information, process and store it based on previous experience. The main motivation for action is the autonomous collection and processing of data and assessment of probabilities. Organized, intelligent, and adaptable, the Adult is in objective relationships with the external environment, formed by independently checking facts.

Fact-checking is the process of distinguishing reality from fiction. Facts are separated from fantasies, traditions, opinions, and archaic emotions. It includes perceiving and assessing the situation and comparing current data with past knowledge and experience. Fact-checking helps find alternative solutions to problems.

A person who sees several ways out of a situation can assess the likely consequences of each path. Fact-checking and probability assessment help the Adult minimize the risk of failure, avoid regrets, and increase the chances of success.

Someone who dislikes their job but is programmed to “never quit no matter what” can check the value of this belief and decide if it’s appropriate for their current life situation. If they decide staying at a disliked job isn’t worth it, they can explore alternatives based on their abilities, talents, interests, available openings, etc. They might visit a career counselor, take aptitude tests, go to interviews, study job ads, and read about employment. All this is part of the data-gathering process.

Someone looking for a job might consider what they really want: stability, flexible hours, expense reimbursement, business trips, a regular schedule, the chance to use their intellect, interact with people, and so on. Then they must decide what’s most important and what they can compromise on if needed. They choose available options, assess the consequences, and develop an action plan for the most satisfactory result.

The criterion for acting from the Adult ego state is not the correctness of the decisions made, but the process of fact-checking and probability assessment on which those decisions are based. In short (as Berne says), the Adult “turns on” when you have just independently and objectively assessed a situation and impartially present arguments, describe your perception of problems, and draw conclusions.

The quality of decisions depends on how informed the Adult is and how well they can “filter” and use data from the Parent and Child. However, decisions are not always correct, even if based on facts. People often have to make decisions with incomplete data, so there’s a high chance of reaching the wrong conclusion.

• An elderly woman may look both ways at a crosswalk but not notice a speeding truck.
• A young man may weigh all the facts before accepting a new job, only to later discover that the boss’s moody, bored wife influences everything in the company.
• A scientist may work for years on a project and fail because of one missing element.
• Some people are well-informed in one area and less so in others. An experienced banker may be clueless about interpersonal relationships. An excellent homemaker may not be able to discuss turbine engines. A skilled mechanic may not be able to diagnose a child’s illness.

Boundaries of Ego States

A person can experience a sense of their true “self” in any ego state, depending on where their psychic energy is currently focused. When the sense of true self arises in a particular ego state, the others may be inactive—but they don’t disappear and can awaken at any moment, as Eric Berne notes.

When someone feels anger in the Parent ego state, they feel “this is me,” even though they are only temporarily in that state. When they objectively check a client’s accounts, they again feel, “This is me adding up the numbers.” When they sulk like the little boy they once were, they feel, “This is me sulking.” In these examples, the free energy that creates the experience of the “true self” is concentrated in the Parent, Adult, or Child ego states.

It’s helpful to imagine that each ego state has boundaries. Berne suggests thinking of them as semi-permeable membranes through which psychic energy can move from one ego state to another.

The boundaries of ego states should be semi-permeable; otherwise, energy gets “stuck” in one and can’t move spontaneously as situations change.

Highly effective people move energy between ego states quickly; others do so very slowly. The first type is always interesting and energetic; the second struggles to keep up in a fast-changing world. The second type starts and stops any activity, including thinking, very slowly. This can be frustrating, even if the person achieves excellent results.

The physiology of ego state boundaries is not fully understood, but their existence is suggested by certain “defects” in behavior. Some people are always unpredictable; others are so predictable they seem boring. Some explode at the slightest provocation and can’t handle even mild stress, while others’ thinking is distorted by prejudice and misconceptions. These disorders are caused by boundaries that are too weak or too impermeable, their layering, and the presence of painful points.

Weak Ego State Boundaries

Victorian-era English writer Samuel Butler noted:
Open perception is partly wonderful, but it shouldn’t be so open as to let in everything. Sometimes, knowing how to close the doors of perception is useful: you can’t let drafts blow in and out.

A person with weak boundaries doesn’t close the “doors” between ego states; they lack clear self-perception, and their behavior is often unpredictable. Their energy constantly “flies” between ego states like a draft, reacting to the slightest stimuli. Such people have trouble functioning in the real world and need professional help.

Here’s how group therapy peers described a woman with this problem: “It’s impossible to predict what she’s thinking or what she’ll do next.” Blurred ego state boundaries are shown in Figure 9.1.

The Adult ego state in such people barely controls the other ego states. They behave differently from those whose energy moves quickly between ego states, even though the Adult is always active. In the second case, the person can behave rationally. In the first, their behavior is unpredictable and often irrational.

Impermeable Ego State Boundaries

Impermeable ego state boundaries prevent the free flow of psychic energy. It’s as if thick walls keep energy inside one ego state, excluding the other two. This phenomenon is called exclusion. People with this problem seem rigid, as they respond to stimuli only from one ego state. A person always acts as a Parent, Adult, or Child. (A variation is someone whose one ego state is always “off.” Sometimes—if the Parent is completely lacking in positive qualities—this is even good. The person can replace the Parent with the Adult and put the inner Child under the Adult’s care or undergo reparenting. — Author’s note.)

Getting “stuck” in the Parent or Child ego state without the Adult’s participation indicates serious mental health issues. If a person doesn’t feel connected to current reality and doesn’t check facts in the here and now, that’s a bad sign.

A person with the Child and Parent “turned off,” using only the Adult, resembles a robot, lacking emotion and empathy. Berne describes such a personality as someone missing the charm, spontaneity, and joy of a healthy child, and unable to feel righteous anger that motivates a healthy parent. Rigidly reacting from one ego state is a serious personality deviation requiring professional intervention.

Some people have a problem similar to exclusion but less severe. They favor one ego state, but the other two are not completely excluded. The following examples describe a less severe problem with impermeable boundaries, which we call the Constant Parent, Constant Adult, and Constant Child.

The Constant Parent

A person acting mainly from the Parent ego state often treats others as children, even business partners. This is typical, for example, of a secretary who takes on a “mommy” role in the office and cares for everyone, or a corporate leader who tries to influence employees’ personal lives, resists rational arguments, and lacks a sense of humor. Consciously or not, the Constant Parent “collects” people who like being dependent and submissive, and plays role games with those stuck in the Constant Child role (these two complement each other perfectly).

There are Constant Parents known for their hard work and strong sense of duty. They tend to be biased, critical, and moralizing. They never laugh or cry, suppressing the Child, and lack the objective rationality of the Adult. The Constant Parent knows all the answers, manipulates others from a “leader” position, dominates, and “pressures” with authority.

This dominant type is drawn to jobs that give them power over others. They become company leaders, homemakers, high-ranking church officials, school principals, politicians, military officers, and even dictators. This is how they fulfill their need to exercise “parental control” over others. Many multimillion-dollar companies were created by such strong and determined people, whose relationships with employees followed the “obedient Child—authoritarian Parent” pattern.

The second type of Constant Parent is the caring guardian or rescuer, who plays the role of a “benevolent” dictator or saint devoted to helping others. Here are typical phrases from such a Constant Parent:

• Always available: “Call me anytime.”
• Always self-sacrificing: “I don’t need anything. You take it instead.”
• Eternal rescuer: “Don’t worry. I’ll always help.”

This type is drawn to helping professions, where they can achieve great heights. However, they don’t let others be independent, indulge their need to care for others, and end up doing more harm than good.

The Constant Adult

A person constantly acting from the Adult ego state is always objective and unemotional. They care about facts and data processing. To others, they may seem emotionless and lacking empathy. They don’t react if someone complains of a headache, and they’re boring at parties.

People stuck in the Adult ego state seek jobs dealing with things, not people, and avoid professions requiring communication. They may choose specialties where abstract, not emotional, intelligence is valued. Such people become accountants, programmers, engineers, chemists, physicists, mathematicians.

Constant Adults make mediocre managers. Without the caring Parent and playful Child, relationships with people become too neutral. Subordinates may feel unhappy, as the Constant Adult never gives positive strokes. The work environment often suffers if no one takes on the caring Parent role. For example, a Constant Adult doctor may make correct diagnoses, but patients will complain about a lack of understanding, coldness, indifference, and lack of interest. Compare a patient’s emotional state on the operating table if the doctor says, “Don’t worry. You’re in good hands,” versus coldly stating, “Your chances of survival are fifty-fifty.”

The Constant Child

A person acting mainly from the Child ego state is an eternal kid, like Peter Pan, who doesn’t want to grow up. Those stuck in the Child state don’t want to think, decide, or take responsibility for their behavior. They may show no awareness in relationships and become attached to those who will care for them. The Constant Child, who wants to be supported, pampered, punished, rewarded, and praised, will likely seek out a Constant Parent as a partner.

Such people often become successful actors and athletes. But without the Adult’s participation, the Constant Child may impulsively spend even a large fee. These people are often broke. They also like routine work that doesn’t require decision-making, such as assembly line jobs.

Contamination of the Adult Ego State

The clear thinking of the Adult is often contaminated: the Parent or Child intrudes into the Adult’s territory. This happens when the Adult accepts as fact some unfounded beliefs of the Parent or distorted perceptions of the Child, rationalizing and justifying them. Contaminations are also problems of ego state boundary violations and are shown in Figure 9.3.

Contamination from the Parent

In extreme cases, this takes the form of hallucinations, including sensory ones, where something nonexistent seems real. If a person sees things that aren’t there or hears accusatory and commanding voices (“You’re a monster”; “Kill those bastards, they don’t deserve to live”), these are hallucinations.

In less extreme cases, Parent contaminations appear as prejudices. A person stubbornly holds an opinion not supported by objective data. Parental figures often pass their prejudices to children so convincingly that they seem like objective facts. If a person believes the inner Parent’s opinion without checking it, this is contamination of the Adult ego state.

Samuel Butler noted:
The difference between conviction and prejudice is that a person expresses a conviction without anger.

Parent contaminations are often “charged” with strong emotions and linked to certain topics (food, religion, politics, class, race, sex).

One woman suffered from contamination of the Adult ego state regarding the role of women in society. Like her mother, Helen believed that children of working mothers turn out worse than those of homemakers. When others disagreed, she decided to conduct a study among suburban families to prove her point. She surveyed working and non-working mothers, and with parents’ permission, also teachers. She was interested in the children’s academic performance, independence, and emotional stability.

She compiled the data and found that children of working mothers even slightly outperformed their peers. But Helen didn’t believe her own findings. She reasoned, “The teachers must have lied because they’re working mothers themselves and didn’t want to look bad.”

Prejudices are usually presented as facts:

• Black people can’t be trusted. White people can’t be trusted. Men can’t be trusted. Women can’t be trusted.
• Republicans can’t be trusted. Democrats can’t be trusted.
• Children can’t be trusted. People over thirty can’t be trusted.

Sometimes, large groups agree on prejudices. For example, city dwellers may believe the strongest houses are made of brick, even if the city is on a fault line and at risk of earthquakes.

Contaminations often even make their way into laws. For example, until recently, Texas law considered killing a wife for adultery a mitigating circumstance, but if a wife killed her husband in the same situation, it was first-degree murder. Similarly, a Wyoming legislator in 1969 proposed giving voting rights to everyone over 19—except for long-haired boys. “If you want civil rights, you should look like a decent citizen,” he reasoned.

Contamination from the Child

Strong contamination from the Child often results in mania. A common example is a messiah complex. In its extreme form, a person truly believes they are the savior or ruler of the world. Another common case is paranoia (believing someone wants to poison them, is watching them, or plotting against them).

Less extreme forms of contamination from the Child are distorted perceptions of reality. For example, a person may sincerely say and believe:

• The whole world owes me.
• Everyone is talking about me behind my back.
• No one loves/wants/forgives me, or the opposite: everyone loves me.
• Someday someone will save me.

If a woman believes a prince will come and save her, she may languish in a low-paying job like Cinderella, thinking marriage will solve all her problems and waiting for her prince. (If she changes her belief to “Maybe I’ll never get married,” she’ll see the contamination and reconsider her views on education, career, living conditions, and her whole life script. — Author’s note.)

Such distortions arise in children in different ways. Some are taught them; others invent them. For example, a boy may have a nightmare about a monster under his bed wanting to eat him. Mom comes in and “scolds” the monster: “Don’t you dare eat my baby! Get out from under the bed!” This reinforces the distortion. If she says, “I looked under the bed; there are no monsters. You probably just had a bad dream,” she helps her son separate reality from imagination, giving him accurate information without devaluing him (“You made it all up!”).

Double contamination occurs when the Parent’s prejudices and the Child’s manias overwhelm the Adult ego state from both sides and layer on top of each other. In this case, the Adult ignores facts and tries to rationalize the contaminations. If the distortions are removed, perception of reality becomes clearer.

When the boundaries between ego states are restored, a person becomes aware of their inner Parent and Child without succumbing to their influence. Here’s how one client describes this process:

“I used to be sure I could never be liked by anyone. Now I realize that’s how I felt as a child. I see that not everyone likes me, but there are people who do.”

Experiments and Exercises: “Projection Analysis”

Others often serve as our mirror. You look at another person and see yourself. Projection analysis is an important tool for self-knowledge. Let’s try it.

1. Imagine someone you strongly dislike.
   • What don’t you like about them?
   • Do you know others who are similar? Do you dislike them too?
   • Imagine you have the same traits. Picture your behavior.
   • Do the things that irritate you in this person.
   • Ask yourself: Do I have these qualities and act this way myself?
2. Imagine someone you admire.
   • What do you like about this person?
   • Do you know others who are similar? Do they inspire you too?
   • Imagine you talk and act like this person, carry yourself as they do, and have the same qualities.
   • Ask yourself: Can I become like this and do the same things? Do I have this potential?
3. For a week, keep two lists:
   • In one, write down everything negative you blame others for (she rejected me, he’s an idiot, my wife/husband acts stupid, she’s always angry, she hates me, etc.).
   • In the other, write down everything that inspires you (she’s so affectionate, my wife/husband always knows what to say, kids adore him, she knows how to dress, etc.).
4. At the end of the week, review the lists. Do you notice any patterns?
5. Now answer the question: Is it true that…? For example: Is it true that I reject Mary for the same reasons she rejects me? Is it true that I want to end this marriage myself, even though I blame Dick?