How to Avoid Getting Involved in Conflicts: The Karpman Triangle

Our lives are full of conflicts. They can arise anywhere: at home, at work, on public transport, on the road, or even right at your own doorstep. Conflicts are exhausting, and sometimes we don’t even understand how we ended up dragged into another argument or quarrel. If you find yourself constantly involved in conflicts, are tired of this situation, and want to live a normal life—or if you’re always trying to make peace but end up being blamed for everything—read this article to the end.

A conflict is a clash of opinions or a heated argument. It doesn’t have to be a fight or an insult. It’s impossible to find people who agree on everything, have the same interests, or share identical views on life, relationships, or friendship. That’s why conflicts arise, draining our nerves and causing anger and frustration—emotions we’d all rather avoid.

Conflicts are inevitable, and we all participate in them from time to time. Don’t believe it? Look around—everyone is involved in some kind of argument or conflict: a friend complains to you about a mutual acquaintance and expects your support; at work, two colleagues “team up” against you; your husband yells at your daughter, she starts crying, you yell at him, and now no one is speaking to each other…

Whenever two people are arguing and a third person is present, the disputants will almost always pull that third person into the conflict. There are different types of conflicts, but the main ones are:

• You accuse someone, and a third person steps in to defend the accused.
• You are the one being accused.
• The most common type: you’re just a bystander, a witness, “passing by,” but you get dragged into the quarrel between the other two.

You don’t want to participate, but somehow you end up involved anyway. As soon as you take the side of one of the two people in conflict, you’re part of it.

The Karpman Drama Triangle

This model of relationships in conflict is the most common. It was first described by transactional analysis expert Stephen Karpman in 1968, and it’s named after him—the Karpman Triangle. Karpman identified three roles people play in a conflict: the Victim, the Persecutor, and the Rescuer.

1. Victim – The person being accused or criticized, who is on the receiving end of demands.
2. Persecutor – The one making accusations, criticizing, and demanding explanations from the victim.
3. Rescuer – The person who sees the persecutor’s actions as unfair and rushes to defend the victim.

The most interesting part is that as long as the victim and persecutor are in conflict, they have a chance to resolve things and part ways amicably. But as soon as a third party—the rescuer—steps in to defend the victim, the triangle forms, and the roles can start shifting rapidly and unpredictably.

For example, imagine you’re on your way home and see a guy and a girl loudly arguing on the street. You say something to the guy like, “Men shouldn’t treat women like that,” but instead of gratitude, the girl yells at you, “Why are you butting in? Nobody asked for your opinion!” The guy shouts something unprintable. You had good intentions, but now you’re not the rescuer—you’re the victim.

In the Karpman Triangle, you can never predict how the roles will shift. You might not even be involved in the conflict at first, but suddenly you’re the one being blamed—by both parties.

The Karpman Triangle is a system where responsibility is shifted around. The rescuer, by creating the triangle, assumes the victim is blameless and the persecutor is at fault for making demands or expressing dissatisfaction. That’s why the rescuer tries to protect the victim.

How to Avoid Creating Karpman Triangles and Getting Pulled into Conflicts

Here are some tips that will always help you:

1. The main tip everyone forgets: If you see two people arguing or fighting, don’t get involved, no matter how much you want to stop them. This simple rule always works. They need to resolve their issues themselves.
2. The “Victim–Persecutor” pair:
   If you’re an observer and the situation really requires your intervention, here’s what you can do:
   • Enter the conflict not as a rescuer, but as a victim in relation to both participants. For example, if two coworkers are arguing at work, say: “Your argument and raised voices are making it hard for me to work. Because of you, I might not finish my report on time.”
   • Or, enter as a persecutor, addressing both participants equally: “You both acted foolishly in this situation. If you had been more farsighted, this wouldn’t have happened.” You address both equally, without singling out anyone as the victim or the one at fault. You make it clear that both are in the wrong.
3. If the triangle is already in motion and you’re just an observer:
   • Try to remove one of the roles—convince one participant to step out of the conflict. Find the person who’s easiest to influence: “Alex, you promised to help me. Can you do it now?”
   • Distribute responsibility among all participants: “If there’s a dispute, who’s responsible for resolving it? Both of you? Then let’s handle this like adults—you each present your arguments, and I can participate as an impartial party.” This way, each participant understands their role and responsibility, and the Karpman Triangle doesn’t form.

Analyze your own experiences with conflicts, observe how Karpman Triangles form in different situations, and practice avoiding them in your life.