Hidden Benefits of the Victim Role in the Karpman Drama Triangle
If a person truly realizes that their unsuccessful life patterns keep repeating and their forehead is already covered in scars from “stepping on the same rake,” they must give up their old way of living. They need to start doing the opposite of what they did before, even if the force of habit pulls them back. The Karpman Drama Triangle is a space built entirely on manipulation and the habits that come with it. It’s hard to notice in your own life, let alone change. First, because you’re inside the situation and it’s hard to observe yourself; second, because of the hidden benefit. Each of the triangle’s roles—Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer—has its own payoffs, even if they don’t like the overall picture or outcome. But this hidden benefit is like a bird in the hand—it’s hard to let go, because the “crane in the sky” is far away and uncertain.
To move from Persecutor to Philosopher (the “Whatever” type), you should say “yes” to life more often—to everything that happens. The Philosopher’s main credo is acceptance, even if they don’t like what’s happening. But since it’s already happening, resistance is useless. To change something, you first need to accept it and allow it to exist. Only then can you move forward.
To move from Victim to Hero—how? Say “I want!” and follow your desires. It sounds appealing, but the Victim is afraid. It’s never been like this before—all desires were strictly controlled. But now (if you really want a different life), your favorite question should be: “What if?… What if I take a risk, do something I’ve never done before, even if others don’t understand, judge, get angry, or reject me?”
It all seems clear, but following these simple tips is hard because of that very hidden benefit. Let’s take a closer look at it.
The Hidden Benefit of the Victim
A Victim who isn’t ready to give up their script will say, “I want to, BUT…” and then list a long string of circumstances that prevent them from doing what they want: finances don’t allow it, kids (or parents) are sick, it’s impossible in our country, and the classic: “I’m not like you. I don’t have your drive (health, persistence, strength, etc.).” Then comes, “It’s easy for you, but for me…” followed by another list of obstacles.
Strength, persistence, determination, and even health don’t come out of nowhere. These are Hero qualities, developed over time (just like muscles are built in the gym). These qualities are the result, which later become the means.
But the Hero doesn’t live in the Karpman Triangle! They’ve left it, and to do so, they had to bring their hidden benefit into the light, examine it, and give up its charms.
The Victim Isn’t Ready
If the Victim isn’t ready, talking to them is pointless for them and harmful for you. There’s a risk you’ll slip into the Rescuer or Persecutor roles yourself. The only effective approach is to act as a Provoker, using ruthless sarcasm like, “Well, go ahead and hang yourself then!” There’s a tiny chance it’ll work, but it’s there.
Why doesn’t the Victim want to leave their role? It’s obvious things are bad there! It seems clear to everyone, especially to them. Don’t be fooled—it’s not so bad, mainly because it’s familiar and understandable, and there’s no need to take risks.
The Hidden Benefit Is Safety
The potential gain from leaving the Victim role seems doubtful to them. They’re unfamiliar with the energy the Hero lives in—they don’t know what it feels like. There’s ten times more energy there, and life is brighter. But from the pit the Victim has sat in all their life, the light is blinding and scary.
What Is the Hidden Benefit?
It’s what the Victim gets for being “unfortunate.” And it’s completely free and effortless. Unfortunate people get sympathy and help. Who hasn’t seen the example of frequently sick children? A healthy child goes unnoticed and doesn’t get much attention (=love) from others. But when a child is sick, everyone rushes around with tea, compresses, pills, and thermometers. Endless questions like “How are you feeling? Is it better?” warm the soul. At least during illness, the child feels loved. And a nice bonus—they don’t have to go to school or daycare. Mom (or grandma) stays home, and her time now belongs to the child.
If this scenario repeats several times, it becomes a habit. In adulthood, the person continues to act on the principle: “Want attention? Become unfortunate.” Even if there’s no one around to take care of them, to give themselves love and care—to simply rest—they need an “indulgence” (permission) in the form of illness.
To get their hidden benefit, the Victim activates the Rescuer in others. And it’s not just about health. Complaints about life, people, the environment, the government, even the weather. And these complaints aren’t baseless—the Victim seems to attract all sorts of trouble, something is always happening to them. So, they always have a reason to blame life.
The style of complaints can vary—from restrained, dignified statements of dry facts to outright whining. But the content always answers the question: “What’s wrong in your life?” If this person is your friend or relative, you want to help—by sympathizing, giving advice, or money. You want to do something to ease their burden, to show that life isn’t so bad and has bright moments. If you do, the Victim gets their hidden benefit. They win!
And you’re on the hook. Now you’re the Rescuer, tangled up with the Victim in the Karpman Triangle. And the Rescuer has their own hidden benefit (but that’s for another article).
The Classic Example: Lending Money
The Victim is drowning in financial trouble, the Rescuer lends money. Of course, with no interest—it’s friendly help! Time passes, the Victim doesn’t pay back. The Rescuer first gently reminds, then has to demand, but the Victim has no money. The result—friendship goes down the drain. The Rescuer feels cheated. The Victim feels wronged, because “there’s no money—doesn’t my friend understand? What kind of friend is that?” Or the Victim may start blaming themselves and dramatically showing guilt—“See how I suffer!” Maybe they pay back, but in tiny amounts, which doesn’t solve the problem.
What about the Rescuer? They either “forgive, forget, move on,” or hope to get their money back. In the first case, they become the Philosopher (“Whatever” type) in the next triangle, deciding never to lend the Victim money again. Only then can the friendship survive.
If they can’t admit their own mistake and let go of the money, they shift into the third role in the Karpman Triangle—the Persecutor. There’s no hope for friendship now. The Persecutor is angry (their trust was abused). The Victim is offended—their situation wasn’t understood.
The money example is telling—money turns emotions and time into a tangible currency you can count and measure.
One More Important Point
All strategies become outdated. You can’t keep getting hidden benefits from the same script. In our fast-changing world, everyone is forced to invent something new. So, you can choose what to invent—ways to be unhappy or ways to be happy. To me, the choice is obvious.
If You Want to Leave the Victim Role
Give up the hidden benefit! Don’t let others or yourself think of you as a loser, an unfortunate, or someone unfairly wronged!
To do this:
- Don’t engage in “how bad everything is” conversations
- Don’t spread negative news
- Leave situations and people who do this
- Never complain about life to anyone (except a professional you’re working with: lawyer, financial advisor, therapist, doctor)
- Pay attention to the proverbs and phrases you use. For example, “A pig will always find mud,” or “Trouble never comes alone”—these are from the Victim’s arsenal and should be thrown out for good
- For every complaint you catch yourself making, do a small physical “penalty,” like pinching your arm. Do it immediately and discreetly
- Ask yourself more often what you want right now, and try to do it!
The hidden benefit in the Karpman Triangle keeps a person in a low-energy state, which means sadness and apathy. The Victim always wins this game—they always get their payoff, but it’s tiny. It’s nothing compared to the “capital” (emotional, financial, eventful) that Heroes accumulate. You need to dare to let go of the familiar, and then your life will change beyond recognition! Tested on myself.