Gaslighting: How Manipulators Make You Doubt Your Sanity

Ecology of Consciousness. Psychology: The term “gaslighting” originated from the thriller “Gaslight.” In the movie, the husband steals his wife’s jewelry and hides it in the attic. When he turns on the attic lights, the rest of the house gets slightly dimmer (the pressure in the other lamps drops). The heroine is puzzled, but her beloved husband insists that she has mental problems and that the lighting is normal. In the end, the woman believes she is losing her mind—after all, it’s her closest person convincing her of this.

How Manipulators Make You Doubt Yourself

The scariest part of gaslighting is the victim’s trust in their tormentor. “He can’t be wrong. He can’t lie. He’s smarter.” That’s exactly what the gaslighter exploits—your doubts, your lack of self-confidence, and their own “super-competence.” Parents, spouses, partners, bosses, and friends—any of them can become the jailers of your ego and the killers of your future. Look around and listen—maybe there’s someone nearby who’s always “turning down the gaslights”?

The Gaslighter Makes You Doubt Your Memory

• “When did I ever promise that? No! You’re confused.”
• “What meeting? There was no meeting. Look, I don’t have it written down. You must be getting forgetful.”
• “Did we agree on something? Maybe you should see a neurologist.”

The gaslighter might say this with a smile or with concern, but their confidence that it’s your memory that’s faulty makes you extremely anxious. You might remember every detail, but the gaslighter is so insistent that you start to doubt yourself. Was it real? Maybe you really did mix things up? Maybe you really are forgetful? That’s exactly what the gaslighter wants.

The Gaslighter Regularly Makes You Doubt Your Emotional Stability

• “You’re exaggerating again. Your reactions are off because of your depression.”
• “Your constant paranoia is your downfall. You’re too suspicious.”
• “Honey, you’re nervous again. Maybe you should take some antidepressants.”

The gaslighter is calm, gentle, and treats you like you’re mentally ill, and you start to think, “They must know better. Maybe I should let other, ‘normal’ people make all the important decisions.” The gaslighter is satisfied.

The Gaslighter Always Makes You Feel Intellectually Inferior

• “Listen. People study this for years. Why are you even trying with your backwater diploma? Better keep quiet—don’t embarrass yourself.”
• “Are you sure you have the knowledge and brains for this? Maybe you shouldn’t aim so high?”
• “I don’t know what you’ve read or learned, but that’s all outdated. Progress has moved on.”

Take even a small step forward, and the gaslighter immediately makes you doubt whether you’re smart, knowledgeable, or capable enough. They know you lack confidence and skillfully use your doubts against you. Sit still and don’t make a move—that’s exactly what the gaslighter wants.

Age, Gender, and Physical Incompetence—The Gaslighter’s Three Favorite Tactics

• “You women/men just don’t get it. You’re wired differently!”
• “You’re too young/old to handle this—don’t get involved where you shouldn’t.”
• “Look at yourself, with your health, where do you think you’re going?”
• “Let’s be honest, you’re not exactly a beauty queen, so you shouldn’t wear dresses above the knee.”

As a result, even if you’re a genius, strong as an ox, look like a Greek goddess, and have an IQ five times higher than Aristotle, you’ll eventually stop trusting yourself and start seeing yourself as a nobody. And eventually, that’s what you become.

The Gaslighter Convinces You That You’re Completely Antisocial

• “Only I can put up with you—you know you’re a weirdo.”
• “You’re strange. I can handle it, but normal people can’t deal with you.”
• “Yeah. Don’t tell anyone else about this—they might misunderstand.”

The gaslighter does everything to make you see yourself as a social outcast and everyone else as enemies. This is easy if you have unusual hobbies or struggle to find like-minded people. It’s even easier if the gaslighter takes you to a couple of places where you feel out of place. That’s it! You’re hooked. You’re convinced that no one in the world will accept or love you… except your tormentor, of course.

The Gaslighter Often Uses Genetics to Undermine Your Individuality

• “What do you expect? There were alcoholics in your family.”
• “Be careful. I heard your great-great-grandmother had schizophrenia.”
• “None of your relatives ever got a college degree.”

It’s hard to argue, and you can’t. If you try to say that everyone is different, the gaslighter replies, “Listen. Your great-grandmother was just like that. You’re exactly like her.” Under this kind of pressure, you’ll gain weight by forty, start drinking by forty-five, and after that—who knows.

What to Do If You’re a Victim of Gaslighting?

Gaslighting probably won’t land you in a hospital, but neurosis is almost guaranteed. Psychotherapists and sociologists offer different advice—from “have a heart-to-heart with the abuser” to “switch roles with them.” They also recommend never doubting yourself, not digging through your memory to reconstruct events, not justifying yourself, and not looking for the cause within yourself. Seek help from a professional so that a real specialist, not an amateur “psychoanalyst,” can make a diagnosis if needed. Keep moving forward, no matter how often the gaslighter tries to trip you up. And most importantly, gather your courage and break away from anyone who turns your life into a nightmare as soon as possible.