Foolproof Ways People Manipulate Us Into Doing What We Don’t Want
Are you sure you’re fully in control of yourself? Do you make your own decisions about what to buy, who to help, or how to spend your free time? Think again! There are plenty of clever people around us who skillfully influence even the most stubborn and independent individuals. Their “victims” often don’t even notice when they’ve been hooked.
Manipulation techniques are becoming more sophisticated and less noticeable. Occasionally, a person realizes they’ve been deliberately influenced, but by then, it’s usually too late to fix the mistake. Business leaders, political party heads, advertising and marketing specialists, salespeople, and TV show creators are all mastering the art of influence. How do they manage to “hypnotize” us?
We Are Predictable
We almost always act, think, and feel in habitual ways, responding similarly to familiar triggers. It’s natural for us to return a greeting, shake a hand when offered, or take an item when it’s handed to us. We feel roughly the same emotions each morning at work, greeting colleagues and turning on our computers.
The more life experience we gain, the more refined and varied our “built-in” automatic programs become. Young mothers instinctively catch their toddlers when they fall. Drivers maneuver through traffic with little conscious effort.
Most of the time, this benefits us. We don’t have to think about how to stand up, sit down, open our eyes, or step over a puddle. Our subconscious uses the optimal method for each action, so we don’t have to reinvent the wheel every time.
We also tend to automatically believe stereotypical statements broadcast by society: “Beautiful people have it easy,” “Genius scientists are helpless in everyday life,” “A well-dressed person is rich.” It takes a strong reason (like stress or a challenge) to make us stop and think, “What am I doing?”
So, in most cases, we behave predictably. Our reactions to certain stimuli are easy to calculate, and “influence professionals” take full advantage of this. Here are some of the ways they control us:
1. Playing on Contrast
Our minds exaggerate differences when we observe objects or phenomena with opposite qualities (big-small, hot-cold, beautiful-plain, expensive-cheap). That’s why salespeople often discuss a pricey item first, like a laptop. Once you’ve decided to buy it, they suggest add-ons like a wireless mouse or a case. Compared to the laptop, these extras seem inexpensive.
The “contrast principle” works beyond prices. Some realtors show clients two or three unsuitable properties before showing the one that fits their needs. When the client finally sees the right place, they’re less likely to nitpick or keep searching.
This principle also applies to personal situations. For example, a woman came home late from a work party without warning her husband, who called her over 20 times. When she finally arrived, she said, “You’ll never forgive me! Something terrible happened! I’ll understand if you want a divorce.” Then she calmly explained the real reason for her delay. Her husband, relieved, didn’t even scold her.
2. “That’s How It’s Done. Everyone Does It.”
When we’re unsure about what’s allowed in unfamiliar situations, others can easily catch us off guard and make us play by their “rules” simply by saying, “That’s how it’s done here.”
At work, some employees act like managers without real authority, getting colleagues to report to them. The coworkers think, “He’s confidently asking for a report, so he must have the right.”
Parents of children in daycares or schools often face staff dictating rules—sometimes unfair ones. For example, parents may be required to pay full price for materials their kids only borrow, or be barred from rooms where their young children are. Such “rules” would normally cause outrage, but when told “that’s how it’s done,” parents often comply.
This “everyone does it” tactic is common in marketing. Notice how labels like “bestseller” or “top seller” influence buyers.
3. Messages from Authority Figures
We care about who delivers information. If it comes from an authority, we believe it without question. In U.S. universities, famous professors intentionally made mistakes in lectures, but students never thought to check the facts.
Several plane crashes have occurred because pilots misunderstood orders from higher-ranking officers and rushed to obey without critical thinking.
4. Controlling the Environment
“Masters of influence” pay close attention to the setting of negotiations. When you enter a top executive’s office, you usually see a spacious room, a large desk, and a “throne-like” chair, with awards and certificates on the walls. The room itself “forces” you to grant its occupant authority.
They might seat you in a lower chair, making you feel lower in status. Your feelings change depending on your position relative to your conversation partner. That’s why business meetings often happen on neutral ground, like restaurants or hotels.
5. Nonverbal Signals: Posture, Gestures, Facial Expressions
Body language communicates much more than spoken words. “Influence professionals” easily “read” your posture and are mindful of their own. Actors can express emotions without speaking, and so can manipulators. For example, they might suddenly lean away to make you uneasy, or use quick movements to rush you. Conversely, a relaxed posture can calm you down.
6. Voice Control
Voice has a powerful effect. If a country’s president spoke quickly, it would undermine their authority. Every word should sound weighty and impressive. The slower and louder someone speaks, the more important they seem.
Here’s a story: A chauffeur for a high-ranking executive used to play music loudly. The boss never asked him to turn it down; she simply spoke very quietly. Eventually, he stopped playing music altogether so he could hear her instructions.
7. Overwhelming with Words
Milton Erickson, an American psychiatrist, found that breaking familiar behavioral patterns can put someone in a brief trance. For example, refusing a handshake or turning away unexpectedly makes the other person uncomfortable and eager to “regain balance”—even if it means complying with a request. This is the basis of “Ericksonian hypnosis,” used by con artists and street scammers.
Scammers intensify the trance by “overwhelming” the victim with talk, often working in pairs. They repeat obvious truths (“All mothers want their children to be healthy,” “We’re always afraid of the unknown at first,” “It’s better to be kind”), ask the same questions repeatedly, and touch the victim often. This puts the listener in a trance-like state, ready to obey. The effect is brief—after a few minutes, the “client” realizes they’ve made a mistake.
8. Reminding You of “Obligation”
Most of us feel obliged to return favors. If someone does something nice for us, we feel we must reciprocate. In his book “Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion,” Robert Cialdini describes an experiment where a colleague would bring someone a soda without being asked, then later ask them to buy raffle tickets. Almost everyone agreed, even though:
- The tickets cost much more than the soda
- No one asked for the soda
- Not everyone liked the experimenter
The sense of obligation fades over time if we don’t repay the favor right away.
9. Giving a Reason
Cialdini also describes an experiment where a woman asked to cut in line at a copier. Over 70% let her go ahead simply because she gave a reason—even if it was just, “Because I need to make some copies.”
10. From Small to Big Requests
We naturally want to be consistent. If we make a successful purchase at a store, we’re likely to return. If we give in to a small request, we’re more likely to agree to a bigger one later.
One religious group recruited many young women this way. They’d politely ask, “May I ask you a question?” Most agreed. Then, “What do you think about couples living together without marriage?” After sharing their opinion, the women were invited to a 15-minute talk about relationships, then to a longer seminar. Step by step, the “victim” was drawn in, making it hard to escape.
How to Resist Manipulation
We’re vulnerable to manipulation because of our own negative emotions: fear, guilt, envy, shame. When you’re at peace with yourself, scammers have nothing to latch onto. High self-esteem is a great defense against manipulation.
Here’s how you can protect yourself:
- Trust your intuition. In daily life, we rely on common sense. But when someone is trying to manipulate us, logic can fail. Your inner voice will signal, “I don’t want to do this!” Intuition speaks through feelings and emotions. If you agree to something but feel irritation or anger, pay attention to those feelings and consider why they arose.
- Practice mindfulness. Several times a day, ask yourself: “What’s happening?” “Why am I sitting like this?” “What’s making me anxious?” “What’s wrong?” “Why do I (not) like this person?”
- Think and act unpredictably. Predictable people are easier to control. Expand your range of responses to familiar triggers. Use different greetings, come up with new conversation topics, and avoid the overused “How are you?” Try more specific questions, like “Are you taking time off these days?” or “Have your kids noticed how amazing their mom is?” Replace the standard “I’m fine” with something new, like “Things are going so well, even a well-fed cat would be jealous!”
- Set goals. Write down your goals and review them often. Let your list guide you, like a compass, to stay on track. Master manipulators plan every step in their “hunt,” but you can outsmart them by having your own plan. To-do and shopping lists help you politely refuse things you don’t want to do.
- Pause before making decisions. “Influence professionals” often rush their “victims,” creating artificial time pressure. Don’t let yourself be thrown off. Make decisions calmly and privately.
- Allow yourself to say no. “Don’t be afraid to be impolite!” wrote André Maurois in his book “Letters to a Stranger.” He told of a man who asked an elderly surgeon for help just to avoid hurting his feelings, even though the doctor’s skills had faded. The “polite” patient died on the operating table. Maurois also shared a story of a soft-hearted young man who married a woman he didn’t love simply because she threw herself at him and said, “I always knew you loved me.”
By allowing yourself to be “impolite,” you can avoid many troubles. You don’t need to invent an excuse to refuse—just say, “No!” Or soften it: “I can’t do that.”
Doing good by choice makes us happier. But sacrificing your time and interests is never good. If you feel you’re being forced to play by someone else’s rules, stop and ask yourself: Can I really afford to give such a generous “gift” to a manipulator? Is it worth it?