Emotional Tension Regulation Techniques

Ways to Reduce Tension:

• Emphasizing common ground with your partner (shared goals, interests, opinions, personality traits, etc.)
• Highlighting the importance of your partner and their opinions in your eyes
• Verbalizing both your own and your partner’s emotional state
• Showing interest in your partner’s problems
• Giving your partner the opportunity to express themselves
• Immediately admitting when you are wrong
• Offering a concrete solution to the situation
• Referring to facts
• Maintaining a calm, confident speaking pace
• Keeping an optimal distance, body angle, and posture

What Increases Tension:

• Emphasizing differences between yourself and your partner
• Belittling your partner, giving negative assessments of their personality, downplaying their contributions, or exaggerating your own
• Ignoring both your own and your partner’s emotional state
• Showing disinterest in your partner’s problems
• Interrupting your partner
• Delaying or denying your own mistakes
• Blaming others or accusing your partner
• Making things personal
• Suddenly speeding up your speech
• Avoiding physical proximity and eye contact

Technique: Emphasizing Common Ground

During Japanese management training, participants are asked 20 minutes after meeting the group to write down what they have in common with each group member. There should be as many lists as there are participants, and each list should include at least ten qualities.

When emphasizing common ground, two conditions must be met:

1. The shared traits should be more pleasant than unpleasant for your partner. These characteristics should be seen as strengths (e.g., observant, inventive, artistic) or as unique features (e.g., dominance, slyness, eccentricity, individualism, etc.). Some traits, while not flaws, may be perceived as such by those who have them (e.g., shyness, directness, persistence). Emphasizing these may touch a sensitive nerve.
2. The shared traits should be relevant to the person’s professional or personal expertise.

Examples:

• We both want to resolve this situation.
• We both appreciate creative people.
• We often come up with “crazy” ideas together.
• What unites us is our quick thinking.
• We’re both a bit “sly,” aren’t we?

Technique: Highlighting the Importance of Your Partner

Highlighting importance means expressing admiration for another person, recognizing their merits and achievements.

Requirements for this technique:

• Be specific and fact-based
• Be sincere

The formula is not “I like you,” but “I value what you do.”

Highlighting importance is not a compliment in the usual sense. It’s a positive statement with an emotional touch: “I admire…”, “I feel proud…”, “My respect for you grows,” etc.

Examples:

• You know, I found your idea very valuable.
• I kept thinking today about how well you answered that question yesterday.
• I saw your calculations and was truly impressed!
• Now that’s what I call work! Amazing!
• Your quickness amazes me!

Technique: Verbalizing Your Own and Your Partner’s Feelings

Effective formulas for verbalizing your own feelings include:

• I’m surprised…
• I’m upset…
• I feel uncomfortable…
• I’m bothered by…
• I feel some resistance…
• I’m worried…
• I feel oppressed…

Examples:

• How could you not send me the workers? Am I supposed to move the tables myself?
• Nina, I’m surprised… How could this happen? I thought I had…
• Why do you never warn me in advance that I’ll have to work weekends?
• Zina, I’m upset… I’m upset that I have to call you in, and even more upset that you weren’t told in advance…
• Why are you here? What are you supposed to learn here? Or are you here to watch us?!
• Kolia, I feel very uncomfortable when I hear such assumptions… very uncomfortable…

Verbalizing your own feelings (so-called “I-messages”) serves a dual purpose: it informs your partner about your feelings and reduces their tension, while also helping you regulate your own emotional state.

Verbalizing negative feelings can also be a polite way to ask your partner to stop doing something that causes you tension.

It’s much harder to verbalize your partner’s feelings. Phrases like “you’re outraged” or “you’re upset” can provoke a stronger negative reaction.

Indirect verbalization is more effective, for example:

• I agree that this could cause protest.
• I agree that this is uncomfortable.
• I agree that this turn of events is unpleasant.
• Yes, this is certainly upsetting.

When making direct statements about feelings, it’s better to use terms that show respect and care for both your partner and yourself.

For example:

• Instead of “I don’t understand,” say “I’m surprised.”
• Instead of “You’re depressed,” say “You’re upset.”
• Instead of “I don’t like it,” say “I feel uncomfortable.”
• Instead of “I’m disgusted,” say “I’m outraged.”
• Instead of “You’re nervous,” say “You’re concerned.”
• Instead of “I’m offended,” say “I’m bothered.”
• Instead of “I’m furious,” say “I feel resistance.”
• Instead of “You’re angry,” say “You’re annoyed.”
• Instead of “You’re afraid,” say “You’re apprehensive.”

Expressing negative feelings can be softened by using metaphors. Carl Rogers, for example, used metaphors like: “I have a fantasy that you’re a princess and would like everyone to obey you,” or “I feel like you’re acting as both judge and defendant toward yourself, sternly telling yourself: ‘You’re to blame for everything.’”

You can use the formula: “I feel like…” + metaphor. For example:

• I feel like a student being called to the blackboard.
• I feel like a defendant in court.
• I feel like Thumbelina in a tulip: she fell in and is floundering in the flower.

The metaphor should be vivid yet gentle, truthful yet playful, precise yet respectful.

Common Mistakes in Verbalization and How to Overcome Them

1. Emphasizing common ground in areas your partner does not want to acknowledge. For example: “We both don’t like being put down,” or “The boss doesn’t even consider us people.” This can be perceived as a hidden insult. People want to belong only to groups that are meaningful to them. Emphasize shared weaknesses only if it doesn’t threaten self-esteem. It’s better to phrase weaknesses as extensions of strengths: “We’re both intolerant of inaccuracies,” or “We can both be pretty blunt!”
2. Doing the opposite when highlighting importance. For example: “You did a great job! I didn’t expect that from you!” or “You performed well today, unlike usual!” This is a hidden put-down, implying the person is usually much worse. Avoid comparing someone to themselves or to your expectations. Simply say: “You did a great job!” or “You performed so well today!”
3. Making empty statements instead of verbalizing feelings. For example: “I understand you very well,” or “I totally get you!” Until the emotion is named, the person may think you misunderstood them. Also, people want to be understood only as much as they want to be. “I totally get you” can make someone fear being exposed. If you’re unsure about their state or sense mixed feelings, use neutral, respectful phrases with a questioning tone: “Are you surprised?…”, “Do you feel uncomfortable?…”, “Are you upset?…”, “Are you still unsure about…?” etc.
4. Verbalizing negative feelings or states that only make things worse. For example: “You look tired,” “You seem exhausted,” or “You look so scared!” Freshness, energy, and a put-together appearance are signs of well-being and social success. Looking tired signals defeat or giving in to life’s difficulties. Discussing such states drags us into negativity. Use more neutral phrases: “You seem focused…”, “You seem tense…”, “You’re concerned…”, “I see you’re a bit worried…” etc.

Finally, verbalizing feelings isn’t always about negative emotions. In situations where someone attacks you, it can bring a surge of energy, inspiration, or even admiration.

Example from the movie “Tootsie”:

• Director: I love how you always understand exactly what the director wants!
• Tootsie: Where do you see a director here?
• Director: I love that you never let anyone off the hook!