Techniques for Regulating Emotional Tension in Communication

Effective communication often depends on our ability to manage emotional tension—both our own and that of our conversation partner. Below are practical techniques to help reduce or avoid unnecessary stress during interactions, as well as common mistakes to watch out for.

Actions That Reduce Tension:

• Emphasizing common ground with your partner (shared goals, interests, opinions, personality traits, etc.)
• Highlighting the importance of your partner and their opinions in your eyes
• Verbalizing emotional states—both your own and your partner’s
• Showing genuine interest in your partner’s problems
• Giving your partner the opportunity to express themselves
• Immediately admitting your own mistakes
• Offering concrete solutions to the situation
• Referring to facts
• Maintaining a calm, confident speaking pace
• Keeping an optimal distance, body angle, and posture

Actions That Increase Tension:

• Emphasizing differences between yourself and your partner
• Belittling your partner, giving negative assessments of their personality, downplaying their contributions, or exaggerating your own
• Ignoring emotional states—yours or your partner’s
• Showing disinterest in your partner’s problems
• Interrupting your partner
• Delaying or denying your own mistakes
• Blaming your partner or looking for someone to blame
• Making things personal
• Suddenly speeding up your speech
• Avoiding physical proximity and eye contact

Technique: Emphasizing Common Ground

In Japanese management training, participants are asked 20 minutes after meeting a group to write down what they have in common with each group member. Each list should include at least ten qualities and be as long as there are participants.

There are two key conditions for emphasizing common ground:

1. The shared traits should be more pleasant than unpleasant for your partner. These should be perceived as strengths (e.g., observant, inventive, artistic) or as unique characteristics (e.g., dominance, slyness, eccentricity, individualism). Some traits, like shyness or persistence, may be seen as flaws by those who have them, so highlighting these could touch a “sensitive nerve.”
2. The shared traits should be relevant to the person’s professional or personal expertise.

Examples:

• We both want to resolve this situation.
• We both appreciate creative people.
• We often come up with “out-of-the-box” ideas.
• What unites us is quick thinking.
• We’re both a bit “sly,” aren’t we?

Technique: Highlighting the Importance of Your Partner

Highlighting importance means expressing admiration for another person, recognizing their achievements and contributions. The requirements for this technique are:

• Be specific and fact-based
• Be sincere

The formula is not “I like you,” but “I value what you do.” This is not a compliment in the usual sense, but a positive statement with an emotional touch, such as “I admire…,” “I feel proud…,” or “My respect for you is growing.”

Examples:

• You know, I found your idea very valuable.
• I kept thinking today about how well you answered that question yesterday.
• I saw your calculations and was truly impressed!
• Now that’s what I call work! Amazing!
• Your quick thinking amazes me!

Technique: Verbalizing Your Own and Your Partner’s Feelings

Effective formulas for verbalizing your own feelings include:

• I’m surprised…
• I’m upset…
• I feel uncomfortable…
• I’m bothered by…
• I feel some resistance…
• I’m worried…
• I feel weighed down…

Examples:

• How could you not send me the workers? Am I supposed to move the tables myself?
• Nina, I’m surprised… How could this happen? After all, I…
• Why do you never warn me in advance that I’ll have to work weekends?
• Zina, I’m upset… I’m upset that I have to call you in, and even more upset that you weren’t told in advance…
• Why are you here? What are you supposed to learn here? Or are you here to watch us?!
• Kolia, I feel very uncomfortable when I hear such assumptions… very uncomfortable…

Verbalizing your own feelings (so-called “I-messages”) serves two purposes: it informs your partner about your emotions, reducing their tension, and helps you regulate your own emotional state. Expressing negative feelings can also be a polite way to ask your partner to stop doing something that causes you stress.

It’s much harder to verbalize your partner’s feelings. Phrases like “You’re upset” or “You’re agitated” can actually intensify negative reactions. Indirect verbalization is more effective, for example:

• I agree, this could cause frustration.
• I agree, this is uncomfortable.
• I agree, this turn of events is unpleasant.
• Yes, this is certainly disappointing.

When directly stating feelings, it’s better to use terms that show respect for both your partner and yourself. For example:

• Instead of “I don’t understand,” say “I’m surprised.”
• Instead of “You’re depressed,” say “You’re upset.”
• Instead of “I don’t like it,” say “I feel uncomfortable.”
• Instead of “I’m disgusted,” say “I’m indignant.”
• Instead of “You’re nervous,” say “You’re concerned.”
• Instead of “I’m offended,” say “I’m bothered.”
• Instead of “I’m furious,” say “I feel resistance.”
• Instead of “You’re angry,” say “You’re annoyed.”
• Instead of “You’re afraid,” say “You’re apprehensive.”

Negative feelings can also be softened by using metaphors. For example, Carl Rogers used metaphors like, “I have a fantasy that you’re a princess and would like everyone to obey you,” or “I feel like you’re acting as both judge and defendant toward yourself, telling yourself: ‘You’re to blame for everything.’”

You can use the formula: “I feel like…” + metaphor. For example:

• I feel like a student being called to the blackboard.
• I feel like a defendant in court.
• I feel like Thumbelina in a tulip: she fell in and is floundering in the flower.

The metaphor should be vivid yet gentle, truthful yet playful, precise yet respectful.

Common Mistakes in Verbalization and How to Avoid Them

1. Emphasizing common ground in areas your partner does not want to acknowledge. For example, “We both hate being put down,” or “The boss doesn’t even consider us people.” This can be perceived as a hidden insult. People want to belong only to groups that are meaningful to them. Only highlight shared weaknesses if it doesn’t threaten self-esteem. It’s better to phrase weaknesses as extensions of strengths, like “We’re both intolerant of inaccuracies,” or “We can both be pretty blunt!”
2. Backhanded compliments when highlighting importance. For example, “You did a great job! I didn’t expect that from you!” or “You did well today, unlike usual!” This is a hidden put-down, implying the person is usually at a lower level. Avoid comparing someone to themselves or to your expectations. Simply say, “You did a great job!” or “You performed really well today!”
3. Empty statements instead of real verbalization. For example, “I understand you very well,” or “I totally get you!” Until the emotion is named, the person may feel misunderstood. Also, people want to be understood only as much as they want to be. “I totally get you” can trigger fear of being exposed. If you’re not sure about your partner’s state, use neutral, respectful phrases with a questioning tone, like “Are you surprised?…,” “Do you feel uncomfortable?…,” “Is this upsetting for you?…,” or “Are you still unsure about…?”
4. Verbalizing negative feelings or states in a way that only intensifies them. For example, “You look tired,” “You look exhausted,” or “You look so scared!” Freshness, energy, and a neat appearance are signs of well-being and social success. Looking tired signals defeat or giving in to life’s difficulties. Discussing such states drags the conversation into negativity. Instead, use more neutral phrases: “You seem focused…,” “You seem tense…,” “You seem concerned…,” or “I see you’re a bit worried…”

Finally, verbalizing feelings isn’t always about negative emotions. Sometimes, when someone attacks you, it can actually energize, inspire, or even impress you. For example, in the movie “Tootsie”:

• Director: I love how you always understand exactly what the director wants!
• Tootsie: Where do you see a director here?
• Director: I love that you never let anyone off the hook!