Emotional Blackmail: What It Is and How to Resist It

Many of us live as if there were an 11th commandment: “Do not get angry,” and a 12th: “Do not anger your neighbor,” according to Susan Forward, author of the book Emotional Blackmail. This mindset often leads us into the traps set by emotional blackmailers.

Susan explains how to deal with undeserved guilt, discomfort, and pain that arise from the toxic psychological pressure of others. Here are the key insights from her work:

1. Control and Self-Confidence

No one who is at peace with themselves needs to control others. Blackmail is a way to control situations and, as a result, feel secure.

2. How Emotional Blackmail Works

Emotional blackmail is only effective if we let others know our vulnerable spots and react painfully when they are touched.

3. The Power of Criticism

We tend to believe criticism more than praise. A single hurtful remark can have more impact than twenty compliments. We perceive criticism as more truthful and sincere, which is why even the most confident person can be thrown off balance by negative comments or comparisons.

4. The Impact of Negative Comparisons

Negative comparisons make us feel inadequate. We start to believe we are not as good, loyal, or hardworking as others, which triggers anxiety and guilt. This anxiety can make us give in to the blackmailer just to prove them wrong.

5. The Blackmailer’s Knowledge

An emotional blackmailer knows how much we value our relationship with them. They see our weaknesses and secrets, and regardless of how much they love us, they use this knowledge to get what they want: our submission.

6. Using Our Fears Against Us

Blackmailers build their conscious and unconscious strategies on the information we give them about our fears. They notice what makes us nervous and what triggers our instinctive reactions.

7. Hidden Pressure

Blackmailers are skilled at disguising psychological pressure, often leaving us doubting our own perception of reality.

8. Manipulation Tactics

Why do so many reasonable, capable people get lost when faced with such obvious behavior? One main reason is that the blackmailer does everything possible to prevent us from realizing we are being manipulated.

9. The Cost of Giving In

The unpleasant truth is that giving in to a blackmailer only encourages them. Every time we help someone achieve their goal through concessions, we show them they can do it again in the future.

10. The “Martyr” Blackmailer

“Martyrs” may seem weak, but in reality, they are quiet tyrants. They don’t yell or make scenes, but their behavior causes us pain, confusion, and hostility. They have a real talent for making us feel completely responsible for what happens to them.

11. Love, Respect, and Submission

To a blackmailer, love and respect are equated with total submission. If they don’t get it, they portray the situation as betrayal.

12. Compassion Isn’t Enough

Understanding and compassion won’t help if you’re dealing with emotional blackmail. In fact, these feelings only encourage the blackmailer to act more decisively.

13. Undermining Self-Esteem

In addition to distorting our perception, many blackmailers increase the pressure by making us doubt our qualities, motives, and worth.

14. The Blackmailer’s Perspective

Blackmailers believe conflicts arise from our mistakes and instability, while seeing themselves as wise and well-intentioned. In their view, we are the “bad guys,” and they are the “good guys.”

15. Twisting the Truth

A blackmailer will insist on their version of the truth, pulling quotes and lessons from various sources out of context to prove that only their truth matters.

16. Accusations of Inadequacy

Emotional blackmailers often accuse us of being unable to love or maintain friendships simply because we don’t want the level of closeness they demand. These accusations hit a vulnerable spot for many, especially if we see intimate relationships as a measure of our mental health. Even though blackmailers exaggerate when they claim relationships fail because we are “damaged,” such statements are often effective.

17. When Manipulation Becomes Blackmail

Manipulation turns into emotional blackmail when it is used consistently to force us to meet the blackmailer’s demands at the expense of our own desires and well-being.

18. Hidden Pressure, Friendly Motives

No matter the blackmailer’s style, they apply pressure—sometimes hidden—under the guise of good intentions.

19. The High Price of Surrender

The price of surrendering to a blackmailer is enormous. Their words and actions throw us off balance, leaving us with shame and guilt. We know we need to change the situation and constantly promise ourselves we will, but we keep falling into the same traps. This leads to self-doubt, loss of confidence, and lower self-esteem. Worst of all, every surrender to emotional blackmail destroys our integrity—the inner compass that guides our values and behavior.

20. The Stakes Are High

While emotional blackmail isn’t a crime, never forget that the stakes are high. If we tolerate emotional blackmail, it eats away at us from the inside and threatens our most important relationships and our sense of self-respect.