Face the Truth: Effective Self-Reflection Questions

Are you ready to face the truth? In her book Writing Down Your Soul: How to Activate and Listen to the Extraordinary Voice Within, Janet Conner discusses four types of unhelpful questions people often ask themselves or the universe when journaling.

She notes that closed questions (those that can be answered with “yes” or “no”) are best directed at yourself. For example: “Am I ready to face the truth?” or “Do I really want to become a more empathetic, compassionate person?” Any answer you give yourself to these questions is an invitation to dig deeper. When directed at the universe (however you define it), closed questions are much less effective for understanding your life and destiny.

People often ask “why” questions, such as “Why did this happen to me?” While common, these are not the most constructive for self-discovery. There’s no guarantee you’ll find the reason, or that it will be the “right” one, or that knowing it will help you change your life. Most often, the “reasons” for our choices and states are the actions of others in the past, which we can’t influence from the present. In many psychotherapy traditions, “why” questions are considered less helpful, partly because they can trigger childhood memories of being asked, “Why did you do that?!”-leading to defensiveness. However, reframing as “why is it important” changes the focus to values and meaning: “Why was it important for you to act that way in that situation?” In this form, the question is much more constructive.

Another type of unhelpful question Conner identifies is about timing: “When will what I want happen in my life, or when will what I don’t want stop happening?” A more constructive version is: “How do I need to change, or what do I need to start doing differently, so that what I want happens or what I don’t want stops happening?”

The last type of unhelpful question, according to Conner, is about other people. When journaling-especially as a spiritual practice-it makes sense to write about yourself: your experiences, their meanings, your own growth. Trying to influence someone else’s behavior through your writing is ineffective. Other people’s behavior may change only after your own behavior changes, as a result of deeper self-understanding gained through writing.

Constructive Questions

Conner began collecting effective, “working,” constructive questions for written self-exploration, and her collection now includes over 200 such questions. They fall into five main categories:

1. Questions That Support Awareness

• Where do I feel stuck in my progress? What’s holding me back?
• What do I need to address first right now? What decisions need to be made?
• What conditions do I need to make the right decision?
• How do I feel about what’s happening?
• What am I turning away from, hoping it will just disappear from my life?
• What do I need to be more at peace with myself?
• Which “parts of me” want to be heard right now?
• At what moments during the day do I feel happiest?
• What is draining my energy? Where is my energy leaking?
• What do I most need to learn right now?
• What changes are coming in my life? How do I recognize them?
• What “product” do my worries and anxieties create? How do they affect different areas of my life?

2. Questions That Foster Understanding and Meaning

• What decisions have brought me to where I am now? What alternatives did I reject?
• What do I do to distract myself from what’s important?
• What strengths and abilities do I need to be more honest with myself and others?
• What beliefs underlie this decision or action?
• How do my thoughts, words, and actions undermine my own efforts? How do I sabotage my progress toward my dreams and my desire to act according to my values?
• What has kept me from doing what truly matters to me?
• What “pushes my buttons,” triggering automatic behavior patterns I’d like to change?
• What tone and words do I use when I talk to myself?
• What do I feel “forced” to do in my daily life and at work? How does this feel different from what I truly want to do?

3. Questions for Deep Self-Understanding

• What parts of myself do I not want to accept? What would change if I could accept them?
• What am I hiding from, like an ostrich with its head in the sand? What experiences am I avoiding? How much of my life do I spend “in ostrich mode”?
• What do I do “on autopilot,” repeating a behavior pattern I don’t really like? How does this pattern affect those around me?
• Do I have a habitual “mask”-a rigid way of presenting myself and communicating? Or more than one?
• What am I most afraid of deep down?
• What is my calling? What am I doing when I feel most like myself-in the highest and best sense?
• At what moments do I feel inner wholeness?
• Does my self-presentation and environment reflect my inner world? To what extent, and how?
• What can I do to bring more love into my life?
• How can I reclaim my power? What will it cost?
• What is my heart’s deepest desire? How did it arise?
• What question am I most afraid to know the answer to right now?

4. Questions for Imagining and Shaping a Preferred Future

• What keeps me from dreaming?
• How do I recognize unfamiliar, perhaps grand, but still real opportunities?
• What would my life look and feel like from the inside if what I want and dream of came true?
• What would I do if nothing held me back?
• What kind of mark would I like to leave on the world?
• What can I do to bring the best of my inner world into reality?
• Do I believe I can change my life, or even the world? How do I know?
• What do I need to do, and how, to manifest what I strive for in the world?

5. Questions for Manifesting and Creating a Preferred Future

• What is most important right now? What do I need to be asking?
• Where should I start moving toward my preferred future?
• What can support me as I move in my chosen direction?
• What is the smallest change I can make right now?
• What do I need to let go of or release to live the way I want?
• How can I feel calmer despite the uncertainty of the future?
• What is the gap between how things are now and what I want? How can I bridge that gap?
• What needs to be done today?