Dirty Tactics Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Psychopaths Use to Manipulate Us: Part 1
Destructive individuals—those with malignant narcissism, psychopathy, and antisocial traits—often display inappropriate behavior in relationships, exploiting, belittling, and hurting their partners, family, and loved ones. They use a variety of diversionary tactics designed to misinform the victim and shift responsibility onto them. Narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths use these methods to avoid accountability for their actions.
Here are twenty of the most common “dirty” tactics toxic people use to humiliate others and silence them:
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic best illustrated by phrases like, “That never happened,” “You’re imagining things,” or “Are you crazy?” Gaslighting is one of the most insidious forms of manipulation because it’s aimed at distorting and undermining your sense of reality. It erodes your ability to trust yourself, making you question the validity of your complaints about abuse or mistreatment.
When a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath uses this tactic against you, you automatically side with them to resolve the cognitive dissonance. You’re torn between two conflicting reactions: either they’re wrong, or your own feelings are. The manipulator will try to convince you that the first is impossible and the second is proof of your own inadequacy.
To successfully resist gaslighting, it’s crucial to ground yourself in your own reality. Sometimes, simply writing things down in a journal, talking to friends, or sharing with a support group can help. Outside support can help you break free from the manipulator’s distorted reality and see things for yourself.
Projection
A sure sign of a destructive person is their chronic refusal to acknowledge their own flaws and their relentless efforts to avoid responsibility for them. This is called projection.
Projection is a defense mechanism used to shift responsibility for one’s negative traits and behaviors onto someone else. This way, the manipulator avoids admitting guilt or responsibility for the consequences of their actions.
While everyone uses projection to some extent, Dr. Martinez-Levy, a clinical specialist in narcissistic disorders, notes that for narcissists, projection often becomes a form of psychological abuse. Instead of admitting their own flaws and wrongdoings, narcissists and sociopaths prefer to pin their own vices on unsuspecting victims, often in the most unpleasant and cruel ways.
Rather than acknowledging that they need to work on themselves, they prefer to instill shame in their victims, shifting the blame for their behavior onto them. In this way, the narcissist makes others feel the bitter shame they themselves experience.
For example, a pathological liar may accuse their partner of lying; a needy wife may call her husband “clingy” to make him look dependent; a poor worker may call their boss ineffective to avoid an honest conversation about their own performance.
Self-absorbed sadists love to play the “blame game.” The goal: they win, you lose, and in the end, you or the whole world are to blame for everything that happens to them. This forces you to coddle their fragile ego, while you’re pushed into a sea of self-doubt and self-criticism. Clever, isn’t it?
The solution? Don’t project your own compassion or empathy onto a destructive person, and don’t accept their toxic projections as your own. As Dr. George Simon writes in his book “In Sheep’s Clothing” (2010), projecting your own conscience and value system onto others can encourage further exploitation. Narcissists at the extreme end of the spectrum are usually completely uninterested in self-reflection or change.
It’s important to break off all relationships and ties with destructive people as soon as possible, so you can rely on your own reality and start valuing yourself. You don’t have to live in someone else’s dysfunctional mess.
Infuriatingly Pointless Conversations
If you’re hoping for thoughtful communication with a destructive person, you’re in for disappointment: instead of a considerate conversation partner, you’ll get an epic brain drain.
Narcissists and sociopaths use streams of consciousness, circular conversations, personal attacks, projection, and gaslighting to confuse and disorient you the moment you disagree or challenge them.
This is done to discredit, distract, and upset you, to steer you away from the main issue, and to make you feel guilty for being a real person with thoughts and feelings that dare to differ from theirs. In their eyes, the problem is your very existence.
Just ten minutes of arguing with a narcissist and you’ll wonder how you even got involved. You simply disagreed with their ridiculous claim that the sky is red, and now your entire childhood, family, friends, career, and lifestyle have been dragged through the mud. That’s because your disagreement contradicts their false belief in their own omnipotence and omniscience, leading to what’s called a narcissistic injury.
Remember: destructive people aren’t really arguing with you—they’re arguing with themselves, and you’re just a participant in a long, exhausting monologue. They love drama and live for it. Trying to find arguments to refute their absurd claims only adds fuel to the fire.
Don’t feed the narcissists—instead, feed yourself the understanding that the problem isn’t you, but their abusive behavior. End the conversation as soon as you notice the first signs of narcissism, and spend your time on something enjoyable.
Generalizations and Baseless Claims
Narcissists aren’t always the brightest—many aren’t used to thinking at all. Instead of taking the time to consider different points of view, they make sweeping generalizations based on anything you say, ignoring the nuances of your argument and your attempts to consider other opinions.
It’s even easier for them to slap a label on you, which automatically invalidates anything you say. On a larger scale, generalizations and baseless claims are often used to devalue things that don’t fit into unfounded social prejudices, patterns, and stereotypes; they’re also used to maintain the status quo.
One aspect of a problem is blown out of proportion so much that a serious conversation becomes impossible. For example, when celebrities are accused of rape, many immediately start shouting that such accusations are sometimes false. And while false accusations do happen, they’re actually quite rare, and in this case, the actions of one person are attributed to the majority, while the specific accusation is ignored.
These everyday microaggressions are typical of destructive relationships. For example, you tell a narcissist that their behavior is unacceptable, and in response, they immediately make a baseless claim about your hypersensitivity or a generalization like, “You’re always unhappy,” or “Nothing ever satisfies you,” instead of addressing the real issue.
Yes, maybe you are sometimes overly sensitive—but it’s just as likely that your abuser is insensitive and callous most of the time.
Don’t back down from the truth and try to counter baseless generalizations, as they’re just a form of illogical black-and-white thinking. Destructive people who throw around baseless generalizations don’t represent the full richness of human experience—just their own limited perspective and inflated sense of self-worth.
Deliberate Distortion of Your Thoughts and Feelings
In the hands of a narcissist or sociopath, your disagreements, justified emotions, and real experiences are turned into character flaws and proof of your irrationality.
Narcissists make up all sorts of stories, rephrasing what you said so your position sounds absurd or unacceptable. For example, you tell a toxic friend you don’t like the tone they use with you. In response, they twist your words: “Oh, so you’re perfect?” or “So you think I’m a bad person?”—even though you simply expressed your feelings. This allows them to invalidate your right to have thoughts and emotions about their inappropriate behavior and makes you feel guilty for trying to set boundaries.
This common diversion is a cognitive distortion called “mind reading.” Destructive people are convinced they know your thoughts and feelings. They regularly jump to conclusions based on their own reactions instead of listening to you.
They act based on their own illusions and misconceptions and never apologize for the harm they cause. Masters at putting words in others’ mouths, they make you out to have the wildest intentions and opinions. They accuse you of thinking they’re inadequate even before you comment on their behavior, which is a form of preemptive defense.
The best way to set a clear boundary with such a person is to simply say, “I didn’t say that,” and end the conversation if they keep accusing you of things you didn’t do or say.
As long as the destructive person can shift blame and steer the conversation away from their own behavior, they’ll keep making you feel ashamed for daring to challenge them.
Constant Nitpicking and Moving the Goalposts
The difference between constructive and destructive criticism is the absence of personal attacks and unattainable standards. These so-called “critics” have no desire to help you improve—they just enjoy nitpicking, belittling, and making you the scapegoat.
Narcissistic sadists and sociopaths use a sophism called “moving the goalposts” to ensure they always have a reason to be dissatisfied with you. Even after you provide all possible evidence to support your argument or do everything to meet their request, they come up with a new demand or want more proof.
Have a successful career? The narcissist will nitpick about why you’re not a multimillionaire yet. Did you meet their need for constant attention? Now prove you can be “independent.”
The rules will keep changing and may even contradict each other; the only goal is to make you constantly strive for the narcissist’s attention and approval.
By constantly raising the bar or replacing expectations with new ones, destructive manipulators can instill a pervasive sense of worthlessness and a constant fear of not measuring up. By highlighting one minor incident or mistake and blowing it out of proportion, the narcissist forces you to forget your strengths and instead constantly worry about your weaknesses or shortcomings.
This makes you focus on new expectations you now have to meet, so you bend over backwards to satisfy every demand—only to find they still treat you badly.
Don’t fall for nitpicking and moving the goalposts—if someone keeps harping on a minor incident and ignores all your efforts to prove yourself or meet their demands, they’re not interested in understanding you. They want to make you feel like you always have to earn their approval. Value and approve of yourself. Remember, you are a whole person and don’t have to constantly feel ungrateful or unworthy.
Changing the Subject to Avoid Responsibility
I call this tactic the “What about me?” syndrome. It’s a literal diversion from the topic at hand to shift attention to something else entirely.
Narcissists don’t want to discuss their personal responsibility, so they steer the conversation in their preferred direction. You complain that they don’t spend time with the kids? They remind you of a mistake you made seven years ago. This tactic knows no time or topic limits and often starts with, “But when you…”
On a societal level, these tactics are used to derail discussions that challenge the status quo. For example, a conversation about gay rights can be derailed if someone brings up another pressing issue, distracting everyone from the original debate.
As Tara Moss, author of “Speaking Out: A 21st Century Handbook for Women and Girls,” notes, proper consideration and resolution of issues requires specificity—it doesn’t mean the other topics aren’t important, just that every topic has its own time and context.
Don’t get distracted; if someone tries to change the subject, use what I call the “broken record” method: keep calmly repeating the facts and don’t stray from the topic. Redirect the conversation by saying, “That’s not what we’re talking about right now. Let’s stay on topic.” If that doesn’t work, end the conversation and direct your energy elsewhere—like finding someone who isn’t stuck at the mental level of a three-year-old.