Beginner Manipulator’s Phrasebook

Annoyance, anger, disappointment, resentment. Confusion, guilt, shame. Fatigue, fear, dissatisfaction. This is just a short list of feelings you can evoke in others if you practice the art of manipulation, or abuse. Being an abuser is an honorable and respectable profession, considering how many people are engaged in this craft.

For some, it’s a hobby; others have been manipulating since childhood, like Mozart composing music; some have done it for years and proudly call themselves veterans. For those who want to learn how to make people feel like crap without saying it to their face, I’ve put together a brief phrasebook in the language of abusers, with commentary.

The subheadings will help you classify approaches, combine them, and achieve better results: unfortunately, many people resist abuse or are just mentally resilient; to deal with such cases, you’ll need flexibility, persistence, and self-control.

In especially tough cases, seek advice from cloakroom attendants, museum workers, passport office clerks, municipal employees, traffic cops, and call center staff.

Criticism

• “No offense, but…” and “Learn to take criticism” – A great way to safely spit in someone’s eye under the guise of good intentions. Use if you want to belittle someone without bothering to learn about their professional field.
• “With your abilities, where do you think you’re going?” and “It’s for your own good” – Fake concern, works well with inexperienced targets, like teenagers. Good for those who want to keep someone dependent and prevent them from becoming independent.
• “Sasha does it better” – A popular recipe for lowering self-esteem, surprisingly effective on people of any age. Widely used in marriage and parenting.
• “You’re always so sensitive” and “It’s just a joke” – Retreat options if the target resists.

Devaluation

• “Others have it worse and don’t complain” and “I wish I had your problems” – Classic ways to show you care about someone’s feelings as much as the toilet paper shortage in Venezuela.
• “At least you’re smart” and “That’s just how you were born” – Popular in female manipulation, prevents the target from feeling attractive. Use if you want free labor that will never get married, and if you’re lucky, won’t even lose their virginity.
• “You want it? You’ll get over it,” “I’m not talking to you,” and “Nothing here is yours” – Simple tricks, but effective for already suppressed individuals who know their desires are worth next to nothing.

Ageism

• “Live as long as I have,” “Don’t argue with your elders” – Elegantly reduces your opponent’s competence to zero. You’re saying that life experience equals age, so they should keep their opinions to themselves. Works best if the person is financially dependent on you.
• “Grow up,” “Stop acting like a child,” “Be more serious” – Seriousness is a great weapon for those without arguments. A “serious person” is by definition better, smarter, and earns more than a non-serious one. No wonder you often meet “serious” people among cloakroom attendants, museum workers, passport clerks, traffic cops, and other high-income folks.
• “You have to hustle,” “Others your age already…,” “It’s about time you realized…” – Everyday bravado never goes out of style. Lean on well-known norms about what people should achieve by a certain age. If they’re confused, use “Any fool knows that” – it always throws people off.

Shame

• “Be a man” and “Don’t be a wimp” – Powerful slogans. They mean the same thing and never get old if you alternate them. A large part of society identifies with these so-called “man” and “woman” codes, making them a true source of inspiration for abusers.
• “Stop whining” and “Pull yourself together, you wimp” – Deprive the recipient of the chance to show emotion. You’ll see them choke on irritation or resentment, earning themselves insomnia, gastritis, and chronic illnesses. Use with caution: overuse weakens the effect, causes anger, and may result in physical retaliation. If getting hit is your goal, say these more often and in front of witnesses. Great for blackmail.
• “Look at yourself” and “What will people say?” – Popular among old-school abusers or those with patriarchal views. However, their effect is weakening due to generational change, the internet, and liberal ideas. Still widely used in traditional societies and by religious fundamentalists. If you’re old-school and love this method, consider moving to a more suitable country.
• “You’re so selfish” – Translation: “My desires are more important than yours.” The key is not to let the target question why. Start calling them “selfish” from early childhood, always negatively. Say that a selfish person is a nasty, antisocial type, and that every decent person must sacrifice themselves for others.

Guilt

The foundation, the gospel, the periodic table of manipulation. There’s not enough space to list even the main examples, but just remember this quote from the Abuser’s Primer: anything that causes guilt is good for manipulation.

Start with “I raised you with these hands,” move through “I gave you the best years of my life,” and end with the gravestone “I devoted my whole life to you.” Tremors, bedwetting, suppressed reflexes, loss of libido and weight, high blood pressure, disability, or suicide – a short list of the consequences of chronic guilt.

Intimidation

• “You’re already thirty” and “When are you having kids?” – Play the fertility card. Childbearing is still considered the main function of a person (especially women) by many. Some say this method is outdated; but judging by victims’ reactions, it still works as well as the classic “biological clock is ticking.”
• “You’ll end up sweeping streets,” “You’ll end up on the street,” “Get a law degree and do whatever you want” – Useful for parents to maintain control. Instills skepticism, fear of the future, and constant expectation of negative outcomes in children; develops a useful sense that “elders know best.”

Street sweepers and sex workers are still at the bottom of the social hierarchy, which surprises me. Judging by their earnings and usefulness, they are respectable citizens who make life more comfortable and even help prevent crime, which can’t be said for lawyers.

Masochism

This method boils down to “I suffered, so you should too.” The idea that suffering is valuable is nothing new and is well reflected in our culture’s literature and art: refer to the works of Dostoevsky, Chekhov, Repin, Gogol, Bryullov, and others.

• “Life is pain,” “There’s such a thing as duty,” “Everyone lives like this,” “A camel has two humps because life is a struggle” – This way, you ignore the target’s needs and turn off empathy, saving yourself time and energy.
• The classic “You’ll spoil the child” – It’s important to teach from a young age that their desires and feelings only bother others.

Passive Aggression

• “Guess why I’m upset,” “You should have known,” “I know what you meant” – The so-called telepathy test.

The target must remember that people are supposed to read minds and easily understand what the abuser wants and feels. In practice, this approach requires patience, as it contradicts basic facts, but it works well. The goal is to induce guilt for not reading your mind or guessing your desires.

• “You always…” and “You never…” – Accusations will always be a manipulator’s go-to tool for humiliation and gaslighting (see below). They leave no chance to fix the situation, making the target feel hopeless and apathetic. Alternate them from time to time so they don’t lose their effect.
• “I told you so” – The first part of a powerful combo; follow up with “What difference does it make now?” and “Whatever!” to induce guilt.
• “No, it’s fine, it’s just…” – For fans of indirect abuse who want to torment slowly and with style.

Rejection

The immortal classic “I want you to be…” is celebrated by the best manipulators. Under the guise of friendly advice, you make the target suspect they’re defective. Let them start wondering what’s wrong with them.

• “People like you need to…” – Another version of this spell.
• “Be above it” and “Be simpler” – This way, you teach the target not to defend themselves emotionally or physically, and convince them that having a complex inner world is shameful.
• “It’s impossible to talk to you” – Translation: “I don’t want to listen to you.” Works best if you immediately hang up the phone; as they say, the results will pleasantly surprise you.

Gaslighting

This term means “making the target doubt their sanity.” The key to this method is unwavering confidence: deny, obfuscate, hint, mock, and belittle.

Targets never remember the details of conversations; moreover, they’re not prepared for their words to be twisted or events distorted. Once the victim starts to waver, accuse them as absurdly as possible so they feel like they’re going crazy: “That never happened,” “I never said that,” “It’s not me, it’s you,” “You made that up,” “You imagined it,” “You forgot, but I remember,” and “You’re lying.”

And as a bonus: the legendary abuser’s catchphrase from Alexey Balabanov’s film “Brother 2.” Remember Danila Bagrov, seducing a woman with the immortal words: “Come on, don’t be like that!”

Use these boldly, and good luck in your relationships!