What Is Assertiveness?

In the second half of the 20th century, persistence and confidence were increasingly recognized as behavioral skills taught by personal development experts and cognitive-behavioral therapists. The term and concept of assertiveness were popularized by American researchers Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons in their book “Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships,” as well as by American psychotherapist Manuel Smith. Essentially, assertiveness is self-confidence: it means the ability to regulate your own emotions and behavior, maintain independence from others’ opinions, and defend your personal boundaries. Importantly, assertiveness does not imply aggression—an assertive person can calmly express and justify their opinion.

Experts at the Mayo Clinic, a leading U.S. medical research center, note that assertiveness is a fundamental communication skill that helps you express yourself effectively and stand up for your point of view while respecting others. This is the key difference between assertive and aggressive behavior.

An aggressive person ignores the feelings of others, belittles, or even intimidates to defend their position. Assertive people calmly express their opinions and listen to others.

With assertiveness skills, a person can communicate their viewpoint, defend it, and remain steadfast in the face of unconstructive criticism. At the same time, they are open to hearing other perspectives, discussing them, and finding alternatives if those are truly better solutions.

Main Traits of an Assertive Person:

• Clear understanding of their own desires
• No fear of taking responsibility for themselves
• Confidence in their actions and words
• Ability to rationally argue and defend their position
• Independence from others’ opinions
• Active listening skills
• Ability to defend personal boundaries

Assertive people build effective relationships with others, which is essential at work. Such employees are more likely to make the right decisions, remain calm, and foster constructive communication. At the same time, they clearly define their area of responsibility and know how to say “no,” which helps them conserve their resources.

Manuel Smith, author of “When I Say No, I Feel Guilty,” developed a model of assertive behavior based on rights and manipulative beliefs:

• Right: I have the right to change my mind.
  Manipulative belief: If I change my mind, others will think I’m incompetent.
• Right: I can say “no.”
  Manipulative belief: If I refuse to help, it means I’m unreliable.
• Right: I don’t have to explain my decisions.
  Manipulative belief: I must account for every action I take.
• Right: I can admit I don’t know something.
  Manipulative belief: I must know the answer to every question and make the right decisions in all situations.

Such manipulative beliefs prevent people from listening to themselves and, as a result, from setting true goals and realizing their potential. One of the most important steps in developing confidence is to identify and change these beliefs.

How to Develop Assertiveness

Listen to Yourself

Regularly ask yourself, “What do I want?” Are your desires truly your own, or are they imposed by society? For example, do you really want to practice yoga, or are you just following a trend? Maybe this activity doesn’t actually bring you joy, and you’d be better off choosing another form of exercise. At the end of the day, analyze which actions you took by your own choice and which you did not. Try to estimate this as a percentage.

Support Yourself

Jen Sincero, author of “You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life,” recommends surrounding yourself with support, but first and foremost, it should come from within. By letting go of unhealthy perfectionism and allowing yourself to make mistakes, you become more loyal to yourself. This doesn’t mean you stop pursuing your goals, but you start doing so in a way that’s comfortable for you.

Politely Say No

Most of us struggle to say “no” out of fear of offending or disappointing someone. By doing so, you consciously go against your own will and end up harming yourself: you may overwork, develop unhealthy relationships, and lose satisfaction with yourself and your life. If you’re not ready to fulfill a request, use the positive refusal technique described by Patti Breitman and Connie Hatch in their book “How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty: And Say Yes to More Time, and What Matters Most to You.” Express your willingness to help, explain your reason simply, and offer an alternative or compromise solution.

Track Your Progress Regularly

Jen Sincero suggests writing down three instances when you overcame doubts and achieved a victory: landing your dream job, meeting an interesting person, finishing a course, or going on a trip. You can also look at your recent past and record your progress at work or in learning, which is important for adjusting your personal and professional development path.

Justify Your Actions (to Yourself)

You don’t need to justify your actions to others, but you should understand your reasons for yourself. Clearly define why you’re making a particular decision and what result you want to achieve. This will help you act more consciously and purposefully, and as a result, more confidently.

“For me, a person’s self-confidence and ability to act bravely at any moment depend on what they think about themselves and their character. Note: self-esteem is not the same as self-confidence; it’s a sense of self-worth. Self-confidence is linked to action. You could even say it’s all about action,” writes Caroline Foran in her book “The Confidence Kit: Your Bullsh*t-Free Guide to Owning Your Fear.”

Allow Yourself to Make Mistakes

We all want to do everything perfectly the first time and achieve our goals quickly and easily, but mistakes are a natural part of the growth process. Your personal and professional development happens in the moments after you make a mistake. You can beat yourself up and give up, or you can analyze the situation, find the root of the problem, fix it if possible, and draw conclusions to prevent similar mistakes in the future.