10 Manipulative Tactics Used by Toxic People and How to Defend Yourself

Understanding the methods toxic people use can help you better recognize who’s who in your environment and learn how to stand up to them.

A punch in the nose is direct, obvious, and heals quickly. But a blow to your self-esteem, delivered at the right time and in the right way, can cripple you for life.
— Dr. Jay Carter, Psychologist

We’ve all encountered people who try to mock us, belittle us, or destroy our self-esteem. It doesn’t matter where you meet them—at work, at home, or among friends. There’s always at least one person who treats you far worse than you deserve.

The worst part is that they undermine us in such subtle and indirect ways that others rarely notice. If we try to explain how we feel, these tormentors easily twist the situation, making us look overly sensitive, selfish, or quick to judge—turning us from victims into aggressors.

Toxic people who enjoy cutting others down have developed specific tactics to lower our self-esteem. Here are 10 common methods they use—and how to fight back.

1. They Make You Feel Insecure

One of the main tactics of toxic people is to keep you constantly on edge. You never know when they’ll explode or do something to throw you off balance.

For example, you might think you’ve reached an understanding, found common ground, and started to trust this person. But just when things seem to be going well, the toxic person does something that erases all progress and throws you back into uncertainty.

You’re left unsure how to feel about them, so you create emotional crutches, convincing yourself you actually like them.

2. They Project Their Feelings Onto You

Projection is when someone takes their own feelings and blames you for them. For instance, someone who dislikes you might say, “I feel like you don’t like me.”

This puts you on the defensive, forcing you to explain yourself. Instead of questioning the toxic person’s motives, you start doubting your own feelings.

3. They Frequently Try to Manipulate You

Manipulators crave power. Toxic people want to feel superior and often make you feel indebted to them. This is common among politicians and managers.

For example, if you’re asked to work overtime but already have plans, your boss might try to convince you that work is more important than your personal life. If you remind them of previous overtime, they’ll likely twist it to make it seem like you volunteered or were repaying a favor.

4. They Force Their Opinions on Others

Toxic people love to label those around them and act as if everyone agrees. If they call you “irresponsible,” they assume it’s obvious to everyone and that no one will question it.

They do this to chip away at your self-esteem instead of helping you address any real issues. Helping would mean taking some responsibility themselves, which they’re unwilling to do.

5. They Exaggerate and Generalize the Truth

Beware of generalizations. Toxic people often exaggerate to make a mountain out of a molehill. If you forget to clean the apartment, they might say, “You never help me,” or “You’re useless,” instead of addressing the actual issue.

Instead of focusing on the real problem, they attack your self-worth.

6. They Deliver Backhanded Insults

“I don’t want to upset you, but…” (You’re about to be upset.) “I don’t want to interrupt, but…” (They’re already interrupting!)

Toxic people often deliver these blows in a soft, sympathetic tone, with a look of concern. They may seem sweet, but behind their back, they’re holding a dagger.

7. They Use Double Meanings

Double meanings show up in phrases where the words say one thing, but the tone says another. For example, a toxic person might ask in a mocking tone, “So, how are you?” If you respond harshly, they’ll tell everyone you’re in a bad mood and lashing out, even though they were provoking you.

Toxic people are masters of double-edged comments. To outsiders, they may seem harmless, but you feel the sting immediately.

8. They Cut Off Conversations

Another favorite tactic is to interrupt you mid-sentence. If they ask you to share something about yourself, you can be sure they’ll cut you off before you finish.

Their questions are often traps, like “Have you stopped drinking brandy in the mornings?”—there’s no right answer. They may even end the conversation abruptly, leaving you with a pile of unspoken thoughts.

9. They Build You Up, Then Tear You Down

Many toxic people love to make you increasingly dependent on them. They convince you they’ll always be there, that you can rely on them, and share your deepest secrets.

But when you truly need help, the toxic person subtly shifts the focus to your negative traits. This way, they can clip your wings, boost their own ego, and make you feel like you need them.

10. They Use the “Double Bind”

The “double bind” is the most insidious tactic. No matter what you do, you lose. For example, if you sign up for a self-esteem course, your partner might become jealous or feel threatened. You’re then faced with an ultimatum: “It’s me or your course.”

Of course, you’re unlikely to give up a relationship for a course, but by choosing the relationship, you deny yourself the chance for positive change.

How to Avoid the Influence of Toxic People

Now that you know the 10 tactics toxic people use to ruin your life, you’re better equipped to resist them and understand their motives.

Knowledge is power. Even if you can’t avoid certain people, you can at least avoid their traps.

All it takes is paying closer attention to the behavior of those around you and responding with more confidence and assertiveness.