Why We Don’t Understand Each Other: The “Maps of the World” Concept

We live in a world where words are given great importance. Yet, we rarely stop to consider whether these words are a direct and indisputable description of our experiences. Words are universal, but experience is individual. How often do we remember this when making decisions, choosing, or negotiating, relying on the data from our unique “map of the world”?

Here’s how Joseph O’Connor defines this fundamental NLP concept: “A map of the world is a person’s unique representation of the world, based on their personal perception and life experience. It’s not just a concept, but a way of life, a primary way of acting.”

The mismatch between the “Territory” and our “maps of the world” leads to the same mistakes as ignoring so-called “false friends” in translation. These are foreign words that have become part of the Russian language, have one well-known meaning, and are translated automatically. But in their native language, these words can have multiple meanings that depend on context, prepositions, and so on.

A person believes they have a problem; for them, it’s real and deserves attention at that moment.

Everyday Examples: “The Map Is Not the Territory”

Here are just a few everyday situations that clearly illustrate the well-known NLP presupposition: “the map is not the territory.”

• Summer vacation, a beautiful sunny day. A fifteen-year-old daughter is lying on her bed, staring at her computer. Her mom enters the room, and the usual argument begins: summer is for relaxing and going outside, not ruining your eyes. The daughter always replies that this is how she relaxes! Both are talking about relaxation, but they are far from understanding each other. When the mother says “relaxation,” she’s unconsciously recalling her own wonderful summer vacations at her grandmother’s village by the river: games, swimming, bike rides, plans for the future… She overlays this vivid picture onto what she sees and tries to “correct” it—not her own worldview, but her daughter’s behavior. Will she be understood? The child lives in a different time, with different values and priorities, under the influence of her own map of the world.
• Adapting to new situations. When someone suddenly finds themselves in a new life situation, their old map of the world can’t be adjusted instantly. For example, a mother comes to a consultation with her son. The boy asks to be transferred to another school and complains of stomach pain. We learn that the family moved, and the boy started third grade at a new school. Although the curriculum wasn’t much different and he hadn’t lost his abilities (he was a top student at his old school), going to school became torture. The difference was in the teacher’s attitude toward grades. She took bad grades as a personal insult, and judged every child as “good” or “bad” based on their test scores. At first, the son tried to explain to his mother that she had put him in a school where both the teacher and students were “abnormal.” For him, it was obvious that you can’t reduce a person’s qualities to their academic performance. The conflict between his old and new maps of the world led to psychosomatic symptoms.
• Relationship misunderstandings. Another example: a married couple seeks psychological help. After 15 years together, they’re considering divorce. They’ve hit an obstacle that requires a complete reevaluation of their relationship. The situation seems unsolvable. Yet, they’re making the right choice by being active and seeking help. The second crucial step is talking it out. The husband and wife describe their situation, reliving emotions and exposing their different perspectives. Day after day, psychologists see the same pattern: misunderstanding between spouses is rooted in the fact that they speak different psychological languages. Even something as simple as buying shoes for the husband becomes a reason for divorce.

The husband needs shoes but can’t explain what kind. The most he can say is that they should be soft, durable, and not pinch. He’s a sensitive, creative person (a kinesthetic type). The wife thinks there’s no reason to spend more than 15 minutes at the market—it’s easy to buy black shoes with a small heel and laces. She’s a typical visual type, less sensitive, and cares most about appearance. Misunderstandings permeate their daily life and have built up over years. They’re exhausted and looking for a place where they won’t have to solve these “language” problems. The psychologist has to act as a translator, first clarifying each spouse’s map of the world, then carefully explaining what each really meant—about the shoes and in any other situation.

The same problems arise at work. A boss demands a report “urgently.” If no specific time is given, the word “urgently” can cause misunderstanding or even conflict. For one person, “urgent” means in 20 minutes, with no time to worry about quality; for another, it means by tomorrow morning, allowing time to work overnight and do a thorough job. If the boss’s and employee’s maps of the world aren’t clarified and aligned regarding timing and quality, there’s a high risk of reprimands or even job loss.

Why Do We Misunderstand Each Other?

Most people prefer not to think about why these things happen. It’s much easier to blame others for stupidity, indifference, or misunderstanding. Don’t rush to judge. As M.N. Gordeev writes in his book “NLP in Psychotherapy”: “The big world is diverse and vast, and to standardize it somehow, a person has to simplify their opinion of it. To do this, they use three universal modeling processes—generalization, deletion, and distortion—to create their own small model of the big world around them.”

Our consciousness can’t process the avalanche of information coming at us, so the difference between the world and how we perceive it isn’t a problem in itself. The trouble starts when we draw conclusions from our perceptions. It’s no exaggeration to say this is about survival! We should always remember that behind every word is an experience, which can be positive or negative.

For effective communication, always clarify and ask your conversation partner what they specifically mean.

NLP Techniques and the “Maps of the World”

NLP techniques are designed to help us recognize the manifestations of different maps of the world, clarify them for ourselves and others, and ultimately stop making the same mistakes over and over again.